But not for long

Leonora did not like having her hair ruffled. No, that was not true. She did like having her hair ruffled but she wasn't sure whether she liked it being ruffled by Leonard. She wondered whether to say anything.

She brooded away about it as she looked at the pretty countryside flashing past them.

"Hey girl, anything wrong?" said Leonard, patting her on the leg and naively walking into a minefield.

Leonora exploded.

"First you call me a spoilt brat, then you ruffle my hair as though I am a child or a dog, then you call me a girl and pat me on the knee.

"Both your language and your gestures are infantilising and patronising to an adult woman, and you are also invading my personal space.

"I would be very interested to know how many men you would treat like that?" she said, the words out of her mouth before she could stop herself.

Leonard gulped and said: "None Leonora, because I'm not as fond of any as I am of you, but nor do any of the ones I know behave in such a brattish fashion as you do.

"In future I'll keep out of your personal space and watch my language."

They sat in an uneasy silence from then on until they reached Leonard's house.

When they opened the door Tata came rushing up to greet Leonora.

"Aruff ruff ruff," she barked happily.

"Yeah, it's great to see you too," replied Leonora.

The three of them went off to Leonora's room, Tata leading the way, then Leonora and the two little crutches (who Tata had ignored), and lastly Leonard with Leonora's bag.

Leonard put the bag down and said: "I'll leave you to do any unpacking you may want to do.

"I'm going to make a cup of tea, would you like one?"

"No, thanks," she said.

Tata thought Leonard sounded rather abrupt, but didn't pay much attention to him as she was more interested in making a fuss of Leonora, and in Leonora telling her how beautiful she was.

Leonora lay on the bed and patted it for Tata to bound up next to her. They both lay there happily for a while not saying anything. Then there was a tap at the door. Leonora ignored it. Tata jumped off the bed quickly and tried to look innocent.

Leonard rapped more noisily. "Leonora!" he said loudly.

She still didn't bother answering, so he walked in with a large glass of wine, plonked it on the table next to the bed, and walked out again without saying anything.

Tata realised something was definitely amiss.

"Ruff?" she asked Leonora.

"Oh nothing really. Just the usual sort of disagreement. Leonard ruffled my hair and patted me on the leg so I told him he was infantilising me and invading my personal space," she answered.

"Ruff," barked Tata, who considered herself above Leonora's ideology of feminism and patriarchal society, but she sympathised with her nevertheless out of solidarity. She jumped back on the bed.

Leonora finished her glass of wine and decided to have a nap. If nothing else it would save speaking to Leonard.

Leonard stamped around the house. Flippin' Leonora. She hadn't even got into the house and she was already picking on him. He had been so nice to her too. What a wasted effort. And Tata had hardly bothered to acknowledge him she was so busy fussing over Leonora.

He wondered how many jaffa cakes to have with his mug of tea? They were quite filling though, and he didn't want to ruin his appetite for his evening meal. Still that was pretty unlikely. He picked a few out of the tin and went over to the computer to distract himself on the internet.

Leonard logged onto a few forums, and websites and decided to see if there were any new local caches. He had been joking when he suggested going out caching with Leonora, but if there were any FTFs he might as well go and have a look for them. There weren't. He sighed and decided to mess around playing a few quizzes.

Lara arrived with Mrs Leonard not long afterwards.

"Hiya dad, where's Leonora?" she said clearly far more interested in Leonora than she was in him.

"In her room," he said sulkily. "She's probably asleep with Tata on the bed next to her. How are you?"

"Great thanks," she called over her shoulder as she shot off to see Leonora.

How are you dad, oh I'm OK, thanks for asking.

"Hi Leonard," said Mrs Leonard making her way to the kitchen. "How's Leonora? Did she have a good journey?"

How are you Leonard? Did you have a good day? Why is no-one interested in me?

"Much the same as usual, and yes," he answered.

Lara gave a perfunctory tap on Leonora's door and walked straight in. Tata remained on the bed.

"Hello you idle woman. Wake up and talk to me," she said.

Leonora opened her eyes and smiled. "I am awake," she said. "Depending on who walked into my room."

Lara laughed. "Been arguing with Dad again have you?"

"Of course not," said Leonora. "I just happened to point out that his language and gestures were inappropriate."

"Been getting up your feminist nose again has he?" said Lara. She thought Leonora's views were somewhat radical, but she always carefully watched what she said when Leonora was around to avoid annoying her.

"Anyway, I have a bone to pick with you young woman. I take it that it was Leonard's idea for you to ask me down here?" asked Leonora.

"Hey I would never have rung you if I didn't want to see you. You know that," she said neatly avoiding the question.

"Mind you it's a bit clever for Leonard. I wonder whose idea it really was," said Leonora thoughtfully.

Tata wriggled uncomfortably next to her on the bed but barked nothing.

"Tata?!" said Leonora accusingly, shocked at Tata's duplicity.

Tata quickly screwed up her face and looked straight at Leonora with her best irresistible look and gave a tiny whimper.

Leonora fell for it straightaway, and said, "Oh well, I was missing you, and it is good to see Lara."

Tata sighed with relief and pulled another silly face for good measure.

"Why don't I go and get us both a glass of wine and we can start chatting about my trip?" said Lara. "Or better still, I can bring the bottle."

"Don't forget to bring an atlas, and your visas and tickets and stuff," called Leonora after her.

Tata smiled, pleased with herself. She had been found out but Leonora wasn't cross with her, so she could look forward a fine evening with two of her favourite women.

She nuzzled up to Leonora, who stroked her again, and told her what a wonderful dog she was.

Reconciliation

Leonora's first thought was to jump back on the train. But it whooshed slowly out of the station behind her.

She stood there glaring at Leonard, wondering why Lara had not turned up to meet her. Surely it wasn't a totally put-up job on Leonard's part just to lure her back?

Eventually Leonard approached her.

"Hi Leonora," he said, even giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Let me take your bag."

"Where's Lara?" she snapped.

"She got rid of the car before going on the trip, so it meant she would have had to borrow one to pick you up. It was easier for me to take the afternoon off work and come and meet you," he said. It was actually true.

"Oh. Well, why did she say she was going to pick me up then?" said Leonora, still looking for a conspiracy.

"Probably forgot, or intended to borrow a car, I don't know. You can ask her if you think it is that important. I wouldn't have thought it was. Someone is here to pick you up which is what matters," he replied.

The trouble was, Leonora could hardly accuse Leonard and Lara of conspiring to get her back without appearing a) paranoid and b) amazingly egotistical.

"Good journey?" he asked.

"Yeah, it wasn't bad," she said.

"No screaming kids, no dribbling people falling asleep next to you with their heads falling off their shoulders?" he asked.

Leonora laughed. "No, none of those. I didn't do that either. I read most of the way down.

"So when's Lara coming?" she asked, determined to at least check out whether or not she had been totally had over.

"Some time later on. She said she would make her own way although I guess we could go and pick her up. Rod might turn up if he thinks there is a chance to scrounge free food and a shower so maybe she'll come with him."

Leonora was suitably appeased.

"How's Tata?" she asked.

"Fine. Absolutely ecstatic that her best mate will be around to play tugs with her."

"Yeah, that will be good fun. And Mrs Leonard?" she asked.

"She's well too, looking forward to having a few people in the house again. You know how sociable she is. Not like me," he said.

Leonora thought this was a slightly surreal conversation. She hadn't been gone from Leonard's house for even a week and they were talking as though she hadn't seen any of them for months.

Although, oddly, it did feel as though it had been some time since she had been there.

And Leonard was being irritatingly agreeable. She found him very disarming when he was nice and really didn't know what to say to him.

"I hope you are going to stay for a few days," he said casually.

"I hadn't thought it through," she admitted. "I just said yes when Lara rang and didn't think any further ahead."

"Did you get an open ticket?" he asked.

"Yes," said Leonora, knowing that she was digging her own grave. "I hate restricted tickets. I wasn't sure how long Lara was staying. Or how long I should stay."

Shit, shit, shit, she thought. It must be a conspiracy.

"Oh well, you can stay as long as you want then. Or clear off tomorrow if you like. Your choice Leonora," he said.

Leonard was very pleased with himself. He knew Leonora could not cope with him being reasonable - she had nothing to argue about. Have that Leonora.

Leonora said nothing.

They got to Tata's Land Rover. Leonora was disappointed not to see Tata.

"Where is Tata?" she asked, as they climbed inside.

"At home. I didn't want to leave her locked inside or stood on the station with me if the train was going to be late.

"How far can you walk Leonora?"

"Not far really. Why?"

"Just thought we could all go out caching this evening. Be good fun for Tata," he said grinning.

Leonora couldn't help laughing. "You are wicked and I hate you nearly as much as I hate caching."

"And you are a spoilt brat, but it's good to see you again. Don't leave it so long next time."

He ruffled her hair affectionately, and they set off home.

Leonora's return

Leonard rang Lara the next day on his lunch break. Lara burst out laughing at Leonard's request, but agreed to do it.

"Are you and Leonora still arguing like a pair of kids?" she asked.

"It's Leonora who is childish," said Leonard sulkily. "Not me."

"Well, I'll give her a ring tonight and sort something round.

"Shall I get her to come and stay with me?" she added naughtily.

"No," snapped Leonard. "You are all to come here, and that's that. Don't you go ruining our plans."

"OK," she said, still laughing. "I'll ring you back when I've convinced her I can't possibly leave the UK without seeing her."

"Thanks Lara," he said. "Catch you later."

He turned to Tata. "That should do the trick, don't you think?"

"Ruff," she agreed, winking at Leonard.

............................

Lara was as good as her word.

She rang Leonora early that evening, remembering that Leonora was an early bird and did not keep Leonard's nocturnal hours.

"Hello," said Leonora in her snotty voice in case it was Leonard who had been suspiciously quiet since her 'phone call the day before.

"Hi Leonora," said Lara who was used to Leonora's snotty voices. "It's Lara Smith here."

"Oooooh, Lara, hiya, how are you?" said Leonora, dropping the snottiness immediately on hearing Lara's voice.

"Hey, you must be going on your trip soon," she said.

"Yeah, that's why I'm ringing," said Lara. "I'd really like to see you before I leave, so I thought we could fix up a time to meet.

"I'm spending a couple of nights at dad's, so thought you might like to come down and join us all," she said confidently, although waiting for the outburst.

"I'd come up and see you, but to be honest I've not really got time, and if you come down to us that means you can catch up with everyone else too.

"Rod and his girlfriend will probably be kicking around as well if there's an excuse for a free shower and some free food."

Leonora laughed. Rod's habit of turning up whenever he could for showers and food was a standing joke in the family and everyone teased him about it. It didn't stop him doing it though.

"When were you thinking of?" said Leonora without even realising what she was committing herself to.

"As soon as you can really. I'm just finishing off at work now so I'm flexible on time, and I've virtually got everything ready for the trip.

"I can show you my visas, and we can talk about all my planning," said Lara, knowing Leonora would find this irresistible.

"Oh, it sounds great. I can't wait to see you," said Leonora, all thoughts of Leonard swept totally out of her head as she thought of Lara's forthcoming trip.

"Can you get down tomorrow then? I'll pick you up from the station if you let me know what train you are on," said Lara, thinking it was best not to give Leonora any time to wriggle out of it later.

"OK, I'll give you a ring or send you a text. I'll probably get the one that arrives mid-afternoonish at a guess," said Leonora.

"Fantastic Leonora. I'll let dad know by the way, don't worry about that. See you tomorrow then. Bye," said Lara, and put the 'phone down.

Leonora smiled happily and turned to the two little crutches.

"We're going to go and see Lara tomorrow and talk about her trip," she said.

"Oh goody," said the little crutches, who liked any adventure really. They wondered why she was so pleased about going to stay with Leonard again but thought it better not to ask.

Leonora decided to do some packing that evening so that she didn't have too much to do the following morning.

As she was packing, the realisation that she was going to end up staying at Leonard's again finally sunk in.

And a nasty thought crossed her mind. Surely Lara wasn't in collusion with Leonard? No, Lara was not that sort of woman. She probably didn't even know that Leonora had stormed off from Leonard's in an independent huff.

..........................

"Hi dad," said Lara, ringing him after she had spoke to Leonora.

"Leonora's coming down tomorrow. I said I'd pick her up from the station, but obviously that would mean borrowing a car.

"It would be easier if you picked her up wouldn't it?" she said.

Leonard laughed at Lara. "Good girl," he said.

"What time?"

"She said probably mid-afternoon, but she's going to ring or text me, so I'll let you know tomorrow."

"OK, thanks," he said. "We'll see you all tomorrow. Bye."

He grinned at Tata. "Seems like you and Lara have sorted it between you."

Tata grinned back at him and then went to get a toy from her box. She figured she deserved a wrestling match.

...........................

The next day Leonora and the little crutches set off for the railway station with Leonora's small travel bag.

The train journey wasn't too bad, and Leonora was feeling pretty chilled. She sent Lara a brief text confirming the time of her arrival, and received an acknowledgement back.

She settled into her seat with her book and the time passed quickly.

When they arrived, she hobbled off the train and looked around for Lara. Puzzled and surprised not to see her, she looked around again.

And then saw Leonard, leaning against the station wall, with a triumphant grin on his face.

Tata's solution

Leonard sent his email to Leonora just before he went to bed. He enclosed loads of photos and told her how much Tata was missing her. He nearly wrote that she was pining away but Leonora was prone to seeing through such exaggerated comments.

Leonora was sure to read it first thing and send him a reply to work. But nothing came. By lunchtime Leonard was feeling decidedly gloomy. He couldn't decide which was worse, a snotty email from Leonora, or no email at all. And how was he going to break the news to Tata? She would be distraught. Well, maybe not distraught but pretty put out.

He opened the front door and Tata came bounding up to greet him as usual, wagging her tail and smiling at him.

"Ruff, ruff?" she barked.

"No. I've not heard from her at all," said Leonard sadly.

"Ruff?" barked Tata in disbelief, pouting.

"Maybe she's busy or not looked at her emails or something," said Leonard not convincing either of them. They both knew that Leonora was irritatingly efficient at checking her emails and replying to the ones she wanted to reply to.

Leonard wandered off into the kitchen to make a cup of tea, but before he got there the 'phone rang. He glanced down to see who it was but the number was unavailable. Probably work.

"Hello, Leonard Smith," he said.

"Hello Leonard. Thank you for the email and the beautiful photos of Tata. Please tell her that I miss her lots too and love her very much. But you can stop sending me all these emails chock full of photographs and trying to manipulate me to return because I am not coming back. Is that clear? Good bye." And Leonora put the 'phone down.

.......................

Leonora was pleased with herself. She turned to the little crutches.

"Encore," they said, clapping at Leonora's bravura performance. "Encore Leonora."

"Don't be silly," she said laughing. "I can't possibly do an encore, that would totally ruin the effect."

The little crutches laughed too. "Well, it was very good anyway," they said.

And they all limped off to the sofa. Leonora picked up her book, but it soon dropped from her fingers, and her eyes shut as she dozed off, dreaming of giving Leonard what for.

.........................


Leonard stared at the 'phone blankly.

Hello Leonora.

Nice to hear from you.

How are you?

Yeah, I'm OK thanks.

No, not a single word of it. He put the 'phone down and turned to Tata.

"That was Leonora," he said.

"Ruff," barked Tata who had worked that one out.

"She said the photos of you are beautiful and that she misses you lots and that she loves you. But she is not coming back."

Tata sat down with a thump. How could Leonora miss her and love her and not want to come back? It didn't make any sense. In fact it was giving her a headache even thinking about it. She decided to go and lie on the sofa.

Leonard wandered off into the kitchen to make the cup of tea and looked around for inspiration for his lunch. He found none. Perhaps he would go and buy a large bar of chocolate when he got back to work.

Then he noticed a banana waving at him. He limped over to get it and as he reached for it he remembered Leonora telling him they were fattening. He decided to take two just to annoy her. But of course it wouldn't annoy her because she didn't seem to want to have anything to do with him so she wouldn't know he was going to eat not one, but two of them.

The trouble was that he had grown quite fond of Leonora. She had become a part of his daily life, with her sarcastic comments and always poking fun at him.

He took his cup of tea and went to sit on the sofa next to Tata.

"Ruff ruff?" she asked.

"I don't know what I'm going to do now. What do you think I should do?" he asked back.

"Ruff," barked Tata who usually had an answer to most things. After all, she was head of the house so it was important that she did the option appraisals and found solutions to problems.

"Lara?" said Leonard puzzled. Lara was Rod's older sister and got on particularly well with Leonora. It was hard to believe there was 20 years difference in them as they could both be quite crazy when they got together.

"Ruff, ruff," replied Tata. Really, did she have to go into detail with everything?

"But Lara is going off on her world trip in a week or so. Oh, I see. Yes, I suppose so. Get her to ring Leonora and come visit before she leaves.

"Hmmm, do you think Leonora will buy that?" he asked.

"Ruff," barked Tata, who didn't think it was in doubt.

"Leonora loves planning trips too. She will love to hear what Lara has done, and all about her visas and everything. Yes, she won't be able to resist that one.

"Last time Lara was here and they were talking about it, she hadn't finalised anything. I'll leave it while tomorrow though. Today might look too coincidental.

"You are a very clever dog Tata," he said and stroked her head.

"Ruff," she barked, smirking.

Evening caches

When Leonard got in from work, he made a cup of tea and took some directions from the caching site.

"Grrr ruff ruff ruff," barked Tata dancing around in excitement.

"Yes, yes, we're going now, and I will take lots of photos of you," replied Leonard.

"Ruff," barked Tata and charged out of the door, waiting for her Land Rover to be opened.

Leonard's mood had improved over the afternoon. Work had not been too much of a pain, and Tata's idea had been a good one. He had spent most of the afternoon anticipating the excitement of the early evening caching.

The first one was a circular walk. They parked in the car park, walked into the village and took the public footpath opposite the 'phone box.

Tata was torn between bounding in and out of the stream and running up and down the path through the woods.



Then she sat down nicely, and put on her best "Please come back Leonora" expression.



The next cache involved a bit of an uphill walk. Leonard was a bit worried about this with his broken leg, but decided to exchange his walking pole for a little crutch which he had thoughfully put in Tata's Land Rover.

The three remaining little crutches were not getting out much at all these days as Leonard's leg slowly improved, so there had been a bit of a fight in the cupboard about who should go with Leonard. They were all very jealous of the two little crutches who had disappeared off to have adventures with nice Leonora.

So the little crutch had been very pleased to be chosen to go out, even though Leonard was a rather large person for one little crutch to manage on its own.

It jumped perkily out of the Land Rover and naughtily kicked the snooty walking pole when Leonard exchanged the pole for the little crutch.

The three of them set off and slowly climbed the hill. Tata tried very hard to do more winning expressions for Leonora.

First she did a serious pose, looking right at the camera.



And then she put her head to one side. How could Leonora's hard heart not melt at her photos?

She was very pleased with herself so off they went. They took nothing from the cache, and left nothing.



When they arrived home Mrs Leonard was already in the kitchen preparing the evening meal.

Tata rushed in to greet her and tell her about the two caches and her beautiful photos.

"Ruff ruff ruff," she barked happily to Mrs Leonard, who reached down and patted her and gave her a small titbit.

Tata charged back into the sitting room to see if Leonard had uploaded her photos.

"Grrrr ruff ruff," she ordered, when she realised he hadn't even opened up the computer. What a slowcoach he was.

Leonard uploaded the photos and Tata sighed in admiration of herself on the computer screen. How lucky she was to be so beautiful. She was so cute with her head on one side.



"What a beautiful dog you are Tata," said Leonard, echoing her vain thoughts.

"Rrrrrrrrrrr," she agreed.

"Leonora will not be able to resist that last photo of you with your head on one side. It is an absolute winner," and he scratched the top of her head down past the little wrinkles of fur.

He was just about to go and tell Mrs Leonard about Leonora's snotty email when he thought again. If - although he didn't think it possible - Leonora was still determined to be horrid even after yet more gorgeous photos of Tata, he needed to keep Mrs Leonard in reserve.

No, he would just send the photos with a short message from Tata. And he would do it before he went to bed, so that he didn't end up checking gmail for Leonora's non-existent response all night.

He decided to have an email game of Scrabble with the snotty woman who liked to ask him Nosy Personal Questions. She had been a bit quiet of late, but it was always a good laugh when he managed to beat her at Scrabble. She got so annoyed about it, just like Leonora.

He set the game up, calling himself Mr Cock-a-hoop (at last match) and called his opponent Ms Gutted (at last match). Leonard had won the last match, obviously. He shuffled his tiles around trying to find the best word for his opening move.

"What's for tea?" he called out while he pondered the letters in front of him. He should be able to get something decent as he had a blank.

"Smoked mackerel, salad and baked potato," answered Mrs Leonard from the kitchen.

Good, thought Leonard. No silly vegetarian food. And I can have lots of garlic mayo and garlic butter without horrid Leonora telling me they are fattening.

At the thought of food, inspiration came. He looked at the tiles again and realised he could use the blank tile as an O. IDIoTIC. That was a great word. With his bonus points of 50 for using all his tiles, that gave him an opening score of 74.

'Ave that, Ms Gutted, he thought. In fact, he was so pleased, he decided to write it up in the little chat box that came with the game.

Life was looking up.

Missing Tata

Leonard was at work when the email from Leonora arrived. He had been to the company's gym for a physio session and then wandered into one of the small kitchens to make a cup of tea to have with his sandwiches. After that he returned to his desk feeling somewhat exhausted.

He flicked on his emails and started reading them. Then he saw one had come from Leonora so he scrolled down quickly to read that one, pleased that she had finally written. Smiling, he started to read it. His smile disappeared immediately and he suddenly felt a huge knot in his stomach.

Leonora's email did not sound remotely friendly or jokey. Why was she being like that? What had he said to annoy her so much? Sometimes he just did not understand Leonora at all. He had sent such nice pictures too of Tata and the pigs. And he didn't think he had said much about geocaching and shooting. Leonora was so rude about his interests.

He read the email a couple more times to see if he had missed a hint of a joke or a touch of warmth anywhere. No. He had to admit to himself, this was one of Leonora's prize put-downs. He closed the email gloomily and decided to reply later. He got on with some work for the rest of the morning, thinking he would tell Tata all about it when he arrived home at lunch time.

Tata was nowhere to be seen when he got in. Leonard panicked. Where on earth was she? Leonora's email was bad enough, but the disappearance of Tata would be the last straw. He remembered the cows that had been abducted out of the field by aliens and wondered if aliens had descended on the house and taken Tata.

He opened the bedroom door and the weight fell from his shoulders. There she was, pulling a silly face at him and tail wagging furiously. The duvet was all ruffled up and seemed warmer than usual. But Leonard didn't care if she had been on the bed, here she was, happy to see him, and not abducted by aliens.

"Wonderful dog," he said, giving her a huge hug. Tata wagged her tail even faster, relieved to have got away with her morning snooze on their bed. After all it wasn't her fault the door had shut behind her when she wandered in, so what else was she to do for the rest of the morning when there was a nice comfy bed to lie on?

"Listen Tata," he said, "I got an email from Leonora today."

"Grrr ruff ruff. Grrr ruff ruff," barked Tata excitedly.

"No, she didn't say anything about coming back. She said she wanted to call it a day."

Tata stood rigid in shock. Then she recovered herself.

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr?"

"No she didn't say anything about missing you," Leonard had to say, although knowing how upset that would make Tata.

Tata's eyes were very big and sad. How could Leonora not be missing her, especially after seeing all those wonderful photos she had posed for?

"Ruff?" she barked in a very tiny voice.

"Yes, she did say the photos were beautiful and thanked us both for them," he said, which was true.

"Ruff ruff?"

"But no, it didn't make any difference and she is not coming back."

Tata thought. They clearly hadn't taken enough photos.

"Ruff ruff ruff," she barked.

"Well, maybe we could go out geocaching this evening and take some more. That's not a bad idea. But I'm not to mention geocaching again, she says she is not interested in it.

"I'll just have to say you wanted to go out for a walk and send her some more photos from you, what do you think?"

"Ruff, ruff ruff," she replied, pleased with her idea and happy to have cheered Leonard up a bit. She still couldn't believe that Leonora was not missing her, surely Leonard must have got that one wrong.

When Leonard got back to work he decided to send Leonora a brief email saying he was sorry he had annoyed her and that it certainly hadn't been his intention. For good measure he told her how upset Tata was and that she sent her love to Leonora and missed her very much.

Then he thought when he went out caching after work and took more lovely photos of Tata, he would send another email with the photos, and tell Leonora that Mrs Leonard was upset too.

If the woman had a conscience that should do the trick. He wasn't sure whether Leonora did have a conscience though.

Emails

Leonard had waited all evening for Leonora to reply to his email, but nothing arrived. He decided he was bored with the internet so he picked up a dvd he'd been given as a present. American Gangster, that should distract him.

Mrs Leonard and Tata cleared off to bed as usual. The film was long and slow and he nearly fell asleep a few times. Just as well it was a present, he thought when it had finally finished. Wouldn't have been pleased if I'd bought it. And he staggered off to bed.

Sunday morning dawned bright and sunny and he and Rod set off for the estate.

They started laughing at some of the other other guys in the party who were all dressed up in camouflage outfits.

"Why are they dressed up like that?" asked Rod, trying not to snigger and failing.

"Hiding from the targets," suggested Leonard.

"Or the pigs," added Rod.

The pigs were part of an organic farm on the estate, and they ran wild in the woods.

Leonard decided to take some photos of the pigs to send to Leonora, she would be bound to reply to that. The pigs were so cute. They had come to greet the party as they arrived at the estate. They were just like dogs - wagging their tails and sniffing everyone and their bags, one even tried to bite Leonard's leg. Then they followed the party all the way to the farm gate until the men disappeared into the woods.



Rod and Leonard had an excellent day out. The weather stayed fine all day and it was really enjoyable. When he returned home, he uploaded his pictures as usual, and then went to do some tasks around the house. He decided to leave emailing Leonora until later, he didn't want to spend all night waiting for her to reply in case she didn't bother.

Just before he went to bed, he dashed off the email and attached a couple of images of the pigs. She was sure to like them. He smiled to himself and went to bed.

...................................

Leonora had a good Sunday too. She was starting to get into an organised routine. She was pleased that she had started planning her cooking as it meant she didn't spend ages wondering what she fancied to eat every day.

When she was younger she always used to write out her menus for the week and pin them up. And then when she came in from work, she just got on with it, without having to think about what to cook.

So on Sunday she made orange and tomato soup. It was particularly easy. She chucked the tomatoes in the pan with an onion and a carrot, plus a strip of lemon rind, a bayleaf, some peppercorns, and some vegetarian stock. While it simmered away, she retired to her sofa.

Her evening meal would be a bowl of chilled soup, followed by a fine salad, with some potatoes, layed in a pan with garlic, salt and pepper, and the tiniest shavings of cheese from a piece that had sat in her fridge far too long while she was staying at Leonard's house, but fortunately had not gone off.



As for Leonard, she had decided that she was not going to bother with him for now. She would have a Leonard-free weekend.

She stretched out on her sofa and asked the little crutches if they were ok.

"Yes, Leonora, we are quite happy thank you," they said in unison as usual.

"I know it's a bit boring at the moment, because I am not going out, but when I am feeling better, we can go for lots of short walks and stuff," she said.

The litte crutches smiled at her and then chattered on together as usual while she stuck her nose in her book.

................................

When she woke up on Monday morning, Leonora realised she had adjusted quickly to coming home. She was perfectly happy in her own space, and she was eventually working out the easiest way to do things with the help of the little crutches. They were good company too and were never grumpy. She had become fond of them and did not want Leonard to take them back.

In fact, she had no desire at all to return to Leonard's.

She made strong black coffee as usual, and had some toast with olive pate for breakfast. She chatted to the little crutches while she ate, and then they all went over to the computer with another cup of coffee (a serious achievement) to see what was happening in the big wide world of the internet.

Leonora scowled when she saw yet another email from Leonard. What did he want this time?

She opened it up and scrolled rapidly down reading all about his day out in the woods and the cute pigs. Then she got to the photos.

Er no, Leonard, I am not interested in men wearing camouflage outfits to go shooting pop-up or pop-down targets or whatever they are. The pigs are very cute, she thought, no doubt you think that when you are stuffing your face with a fat boy breakfast too.

And she blasted off an email to that effect, adding for good measure, "We really are worlds apart Leonard. I think we should call it a day. Thanks for your hospitality. Regards, Leonora."

The weekend - Saturday

Leonora was pleased with her purchases. She surveyed all the goodies she had ordered from the supermarket with glee. They had arrived early Saturday morning, as she had been too late for same day delivery on Friday.

She had never done this before but considered the delivery charge was well worth it.

No fighting with people who couldn't drive their trollies properly or double-parked them in the middle of the aisle to stop for a chat with half a dozen kids all milling around as well, no staggering around with heavy bags, no driving/bussing there, and no time wasting. Yes. An experience to be repeated.

Of course, because it needed to be carefully planned, she felt very organised. Not that she was an impulse buyer, but she didn't usually take a list, remembering the essentials in her head, and then just buying a few organic veg if there was anything decent.

Leonora and the little crutches carefully put everything away tidily. She had another coffee, and then they all went into the sitting room for Leonora to lie on the sofa and read, and the little crutches to lie on the floor and chatter and snooze.

.................................................

Leonard, on the other hand, was not so easily pleased. He got up glumly on Saturday morning realising there would be no Leonora that weekend. Still, at least he had a full day's shooting to look forward to on Sunday without her cantankerous comments.

He decided that he and Tata would go geocaching as originally planned while Mrs Leonard cleaned the house and went shopping.

"Come on Tata, let's go bag a few caches, there is a fine one near a river, so you can go running through the water crazily," he said.

"Grrrr ruff ruff," barked Tata and bounded around happily.

"Ruff ruff?" she asked.

"No, Leonora is not coming. She's decided to stay home this weekend," he replied.

"Grrrrrrr," barked Tata accusingly.

"No, it is not my fault that she isn't coming back. I rang and asked her, and I told her that you missed her," he said.

"Ruff," she barked in disbelief. Of course Leonora would have come back if she knew that she, Tata, was missing her. "Ruff, ruff."

"Look, don't you start. You'll just have to run in the river on your own. Leonora wouldn't have been able to run in the river anyway, she's struggling to limp and hobble around as it is."

Tata shut up. It wasn't often that Leonard spoke sharply to her so she had clearly barked the wrong thing, although she wasn't sure what.

Leonard had printed off his instructions, and he took the fine new GPS unit that he had ordered when Leonora was still staying with them. He was sure that Leonora would have enjoyed learning how to use it. How could she not? It was a fine gadget with a rather good specification. He caressed it lovingly.

They climbed into Tata's Land Rover and off they went. It wasn't a bad day and Leonard's spirits lifted. He leaned towards the CD player waiting for Tata's stern gruff. Nothing. She had been so surprised at his sharp tone earlier that she was keeping uncharacteristically quiet. He decided to risk it and put in a CD, although not as loudly as usual.

Tata gave a very quiet sigh. Mostly she thought Leonard was OK, if slightly eccentric, but she really could not bear his taste in music. It was terrible.

First they went to the reservoir. Tata was not impressed. A reservoir was not a river and she could not run up and down in it. She refused to look at the camera.



"Please look at the camera Tata. I want to send some photos to Leonora, so she realises what she is missing and it will encourage her to come back," said Leonard.

Tata decided to co-operate and chose what she thought was a rather nice spot where she looked exceptionally gorgeous. Leonora could not possibly resist her winning expression. After all, she was the most beautiful dog in the world because everyone kept telling her so.



They did a few more caches and took lots more photographs. Tata got so carried away with her role as photographer's model that she forgot about running in rivers. They finished off with one where Tata put on her best pleading face.



When they got home, Leonard uploaded the photos to the geocaching site, and then composed his email to Leonora.

..........................

Leonora, of course, was lying on the sofa when the email came through. She hobbled over to read it and was perplexed. Why was Leonard sending some boring details of his geocaching trip to her? Did she care how wonderful the new GPS unit was? Or that it had been quite a nice day? Or whether he had first learned to windsurf some 20+ years ago at the reservoir?

Really. Leonard was losing it. She decided not to reply and hobbled back to her sofa and her book.

The 'phone call

Leonora was miserable. Her ankle was not painful but it was aching. She had no energy. She had little food in the flat, and what little she had she didn't feel like cooking.

She missed her personal waiter service. She definitely missed Mrs Leonard in the kitchen preparing something delicious every day. She missed Tata. It was a good thing she had the little crutches for company and they tried their best to cheer her up.

Leonora wondered if she should ring Leonard on some feeble pretext, and see if she would be welcome to return, but decided against it. Perhaps she should send him a snotty email, pointing out how thoughtful it was of him (not) to get in touch to see if she had arrived home safely. But she didn't do anything.

She gazed at the internet and decided internet supermarket shopping would be the way to sort her depleted kitchen. Perhaps she should sit down and plan her menus over the next few days and make sure she had exactly everything she needed. She didn't feel like paying extra delivery charges for a few small items, and she would be so annoyed if she forgot anything from her list.

For the next couple of hours all was peaceful, as Leonora lay on the sofa with a notepad and pen, surrounded by cookbooks, happily planning some delicious meals. The little crutches lay on the floor next to her, chatting for a while, and then snoozing on and off.

...............................

"Don't forget to ring Leonora at lunchtime," was Mrs Leonard's parting shot as Leonard went out of the door to work.

Leonard frowned. It was going to be difficult to get out of this. He hoped he wasn't going to be too busy at work, and then he could spend most of the morning planning what to say to Leonora.

He wondered if Mrs Leonard would accept an email as a suitable compromise. He doubted it.

He still wasn't sure what he was going to say when he arrived home at lunchtime. He decided to pick up the 'phone and get it over with.

.................................

Leonora had finally compiled her shopping list. She was carefully entering it into the supermarket on-line ordering form when the 'phone rang. Just as well it was on the desk, she thought, as she picked it up absent-mindedly, still thinking about her shopping list.

.................................

"Hello Leonora," said Leonard chirpily.

Leonora paused. Actually she nearly dropped the 'phone.

"Hi," she said curtly.

Oh dear, thought Leonard. Here we go.

"I rang to ask how you were. I thought you might have been tired last night after the journey so I didn't want to disturb you if you were sleeping," he said quickly, before she could say something sarcastic.

"Actually I'm feeling particularly shitty, if you really want to know, and it was a vile journey."

Told you so, ooops, no, that's not the right thing to say.

"I can imagine Leonora, I do feel for you having travelled by train with my broken leg. It's very difficult isn't it?" Leonard was pleased with that. A rather subtle I-told-you-so.

Fortunately Leonora missed it, and softened up a bit in the face of his apparent sympathy.

"Yes, it was horrid. How are you?"

"Not bad, the house feels pretty quiet and empty without you. We'd all got used to you. Tata is very upset.

"Mrs Leonard wants to know when you are coming back and then she can plan the shopping," he said, finally getting in the all-important point.

"Coming back?" asked Leonora.

"Yes," he said casually as though it wasn't in doubt. "Now you've checked out the flat, and your mail and stuff, you can come back whenever you are ready and we can look after you again." But as he said it, he realised he had made a mistake.

"Look after me?" she said.

"I don't need looking after, thank you. I thought I had made that clear and that was why I came home.

"As a matter of fact, I was just in the middle of ordering my shopping when you rang.

"So you see Leonard, you are not as indispensable as you seem to think you are."

Do not groan over the 'phone Leonard. Do not tell her what a spoilt ungracious brat she is.

"Oh well, Leonora, if you want a few days there while you work out the best timing for you, that's no problem, just ring and let us know when you want to come back down, we're flexible and happy to fit in with you. One of us will pick you up at the station.

"After all, you will need to go back to our local hospital. They have your records, and you know what the NHS is like. If they start trying to transfer them they will probably end up in Scotland."

Leonard thought that was a clever practical touch. She couldn't argue with that. She didn't.

"Well, I must get back to ordering my food. Thank you for the call. Very kind and thoughtful of you. Bye," and she put the 'phone down.

Then she felt guilty because she had not sent her love to Tata and Mrs Leonard.

But what was she to do? Stay or go?

As Leonora can't decide, I have put up a poll.

Not quite the end

Leonora arrived home exhausted. The journey had been endless and Leonard's words were ringing in her ears.

"Believe me Leonora I've travelled on public transport with a broken leg and it is not an experience I would recommend," he had said.

She looked round the flat glumly. It was dusty. She didn't even want to go into the kitchen to find there was the usual array of tins and pasta in the store cupboard and some decidedly tired veg in the fridge. The fact that Mrs Leonard would not be dishing up the usual tasty scran for tea hit her hard.

Still, she had made her bed - or rather her train journey - and would have to lie in it. At which point, she thought going to lie down would be a very good idea. She wondered when the inevitable 'phone call would come from Leonard. Should she ignore it or answer it? She decided to take her mobile with her in case he did ring - and then she could decide then whether or not to answer.

She lay down, propping up the little crutches next to the bed. They were tired too and pleased that Leonora wanted to nap. They all went to sleep.

........................

Leonard had arrived back at the house as usual at lunchtime. When he opened the door Tata came to greet him. That was odd he thought, she didn't usually bother if she was playing tugs with Leonora.

"Grrr ruff ruff," barked Tata sadly.

"What?" said Leonard in disbelief.

"Grrr ruff ruff," repeated Tata.

"How do you mean she's gone? She agreed not to go. Do you mean gone as in gone?" asked Leonard incoherently. They both went slowly to Leonora's bedroom. Not a trace of her, not even a note.

"Ruff, ruff," pleaded Tata.

"How am I supposed to get her back? I did that the first time she stormed off, I don't feel like asking her again."

"Ruff," sulked Tata and stalked off haughtily. She was annoyed anyway that she had demeaned herself by entering into an alliance with the little crutches and they had deceitfully cleared off with Leonora in search of excitement elsewhere.

Leonard sighed and went into the kitchen. There in front of the biscuit tin - very funny Leonora - was the briefest of notes. Leonard was not pleased. He thought about ringing her. He thought about emailing her. But he did neither. Perhaps she would change her mind and return anyway.

He made some toast miserably and had a cup of tea, and then stood outside with his tab watching Tata, who was still sulking at him. Then they went inside, and he said "See you later Tata, I'm off back to work."

His colleagues in the office seemed to be particularly stupid that afternoon, especially Brigitte, who was never very bright on the best of days. He tried his best not to snap at people when they asked him stupid questions.

He spent most of the afternoon brooding about Leonora's abrupt departure. It was very churlish of her not to say goodbye. And he was sick of her brattish behaviour. Maybe he could have fish or meat for tea tonight now that the compulsory vegetarian regime was over. He cheered up slightly.

Then he thought there would be nothing in the house except for boring old vegetarian food. He wondered if he should ring Mrs Leonard and tell her that Leonora had gone and ask her to call at the shops for some dead animals, as Leonora insisted on calling them. He knew the response though. Why was he thinking about his stomach before poor Leonora's well-being? He took his hand away from the 'phone.

.....................

Leonora woke up after a couple of hours. She looked at her mobile. No messages received. No missed calls. Stupid Leonard, he's probably forgotten my number as usual. She picked up the little crutches and they went into the sitting room to check the main 'phone. No messages. No missed calls. She opened up the computer to check for emails. A load in which she wasn't interested and nothing from Leonard. He couldn't possibly have missed her note by the biscuit tin, and anyway Tata would have told him. Horrid Leonard, he didn't care about her at all.

She didn't feel like cooking and she wasn't really hungry. She decided to lie on the sofa with a book for a while, and then go back to bed. Tomorrow would be another day.

..............................

Mrs Leonard came in from work.

"Leonora's gone," announced Leonard.

"Oh Leonard, that's all your fault. Why did you keep upsetting her?" she said.

That's right. My fault as usual that Leonora behaves like a spoilt five-year-old and clears off without saying goodbye.

"What has she said?" continued Mrs Leonard.

"Not much, she just left a brief note," he replied.

"I mean what did she say when you spoke to her?" she asked.

"I haven't spoken to her, she had gone by the time I got in for lunch," he said.

"But surely you've rung her. Haven't you?" said Mrs Leonard.

"Oh really Leonard, no wonder the poor girl felt she was unwanted. You are always so rude to her. Go and ring her."

"Not tonight, I don't feel like it, and I don't want to argue with her. She'll probably be asleep too after the long tiring journey and the last thing she would want would be me waking her up," he said, pleased with that.

"Ring her tomorrow then," said Mrs Leonard.

Leonard wondered why Mrs Leonard couldn't ring seeing as she seemed to get on so well with Leonora. Maybe better not to suggest that though.

"What's for tea?" he said brightly.

"I was going to do vegetarian risotto for Leonora, so we might as well have that anyway," she said, and walked off into the kitchen to start preparing it, with Tata naturally following as usual.

Vegetarian risotto? What a shit day it had turned out to be.

The End

The next day Leonora ordered a taxi.

She said goodbye to Tata and took the two little crutches with her.

She left a note saying she would collect her Land Rover when she was back driving again.

And then she left.



ETA This blog will shortly be going down. So read it while you can.

ETA (2) Leonard has been given a reprieve, subject to good behaviour.

Leonora's plans

The days dragged by. Leonard and Leonora had established a sort of routine which involved playing a game of Leonora's choice in the morning, followed by lunch prepared by Leonard with the inevitable glass of wine for Leonora, and then another game, or a snooze (for Leonora) or a read in the afternoon.

And although they teased each other while they were playing, neither of them could be bothered to argue. Tata and the little crutches were deeply disappointed. They had at least expected some fireworks especially during the games. But no, nothing. So the little crutches chatted together and dozed off, and Tata lay around sulking that she wasn't getting enough attention.

But then Leonard went back to work. Leonora had all day to herself and was horrified to discover she missed Leonard. Well, his company anyway. What an irritating man, she thought. Inveigling himself into my daily routine, and then disappearing. Tata on the other hand was secretly pleased. She got far more attention as Leonora had no-one else to talk to, and they played tugs a lot more often.

Leonard was also annoyed to discover that he missed Leonora too. At least he had work to distract him, but the easy-going relationship that he had established with Leonora wasn't there any more. He tried emailing her a couple of times during the day but it wasn't the same. And although he went home for lunch, he had little time to chat to her. By the time he had let Tata out for her run in the garden, made sandwiches (or usually toast for him), and had a cup of tea, it was time to go back. Leonora was invariably sulky too for some reason he couldn't figure out.

The truth was Leonora was feeling increasingly in the way. She wasn't doing anything useful (not that she ever did) and all she was doing was lying around and costing money, although not much it should be said. Nevertheless she thought Leonard and Mrs Leonard had done more than enough. It was time to leave. She did not want to be an unwanted guest.

But how to go about it? Even if Leonard had changed his mind and thought it was time for her to go, she knew he was not rude enough to kick her out. Perhaps she should order a taxi and sneak off when he had gone to work. She could imagine the 'phone call she would receive if she did that.

No. Best to tell Leonard she wanted to go home.

So, the next day, when he came home for lunch, she announced her intentions.

"It's time I went home Leonard. I can't spend forever and a day scrounging off you and Mrs Leonard," she said.

"I had thought of getting a taxi and sneaking off but I thought you wouldn't have been very pleased," she added.

"Damn right I wouldn't. And when were you thinking of going?"

"Tomorrow morning, or maybe afternoon, I haven't decided. Depends on the trains," she answered.

Leonard looked at her for a while without saying anything. Leonora began to worry. She didn't know whether she was going to get a lecture or an angry outburst.

"I think I'm being reasonable Leonard. You wouldn't want me to stay here and be unhappy would you?" she said quickly.

"Why would you be unhappy?" he asked.

"Anyway, I don't have time to get into a fatuous argument with you right now. Let's discuss it at the weekend," he finished.

"But Leonard, I'm telling you that I'm leaving tomorrow."

"I'm going back to work. I'll see you this evening," and he stormed, as much as you can with a limp, out of the house to drive back to work.

Well that was amazingly unsuccessful, thought Leonora to herself when he had gone. Although she had planned the conversation carefully all morning, Leonard had failed to respond with the words she had allocated to him in her head. Irritating man. All the more reason to leave. He wasn't even predictable enough to say what she wanted him to say.

"What would you do?" she asked the little crutches.

"We're happy with whatever you want to do Leonora," they said smiling at her. Leonora didn't bother asking Tata, as she could guess the answer.

She spent the rest of the afternoon faffing around on the internet, as she couldn't concentrate on her book, and playing tugs with Tata.

Leonard came in shortly after 5pm.

"Afternoon Leonora," he said.

"Hi," she said.

"Want a game of something before Mrs Leonard gets in?" he said cheerily.

Why wasn't he mentioning her proposed departure?

"I thought we were going to talk about my plans," she said.

"At dinnertime. There is more than just you to consider in this household, and I want to make sure everyone has the chance to contribute," he said pompously. "What do you want to play?"

"Nothing. I don't want to play anything at all with you. You are manipulative and horrid," she said.

"Don't be silly Leonora," he said, and dealt some cards.

Leonora couldn't resist picking them up and they spent the next hour or so in an uneasy silence playing cards.

Over dinner, Leonard said: "Leonora seems to think it is a good idea to leave tomorrow before she becomes unhappy."

Mrs Leonard looked puzzled. That really didn't make much sense to her.

Leonora was annoyed. Leonard was twisting her words. She had not said that at all.

"Well Leonora, of course you can leave whenever you want. Although you know Leonard and I are are happy for you to stay as long as you want. Are you sure you can manage at home alone on your own?" said Mrs Leonard, concerned about Leonora's sudden decision to leave.

"Leonard will drive you to the station of course," she added.

"Not tomorrow I won't. I'm busy at work. Why don't you stay over the weekend Leonora and we can think about it next week?" he said.

"And anyway, how are you going to manage without the little crutches?"

The little crutches jumped up and down. "We're going with Leonora," they said excitedly.

"Shut up, " said Leonard nastily.

"You happen to be my little crutches, on loan to Leonora while she stays here. If it wasn't for me you wouldn't be here at all so you can stop being so disloyal and pipe down.

"And what about your colleagues in the cupboard? Are you just going to leave them and go gadding off with Leonora? If the pair of you don't be quiet I'll throw you both in a heap in the cupboard, and see how you like that."

The little crutches were horrified. They stopped jumping up and down and went very quiet. They looked at Leonard with their big eyes.

"More salad, Leonora?" asked Mrs Leonard. Leonora held out her plate unthinkingly and nearly knocked over her glass of wine.

Tata was not impressed with the little crutches taking centre stage.

"Grrr ruff ruff," she barked, thinking it was time someone paid attention to her. After all she ran the house, didn't she?

"And Tata has got so used to you being here during the day now to play tugs with her all the time," said Mrs Leonard after Tata had pointed that out.

"Ruff," barked Tata, pleased to be talked about. She wandered over to Leonora and put her head on Leonora's knee.

Things were not going Leonora's way.

"So that's settled," said Leonard.

"No, it is not settled at all," said Leonora peevishly. "Why can I not decide for myself what I am going to do?"

Leonard put down his knife and fork patiently. "Leonora, I told you earlier. This household is a community, and we all get the opportunity to express our opinion and reach a decision that is for the good of everyone.

"And you clearing off when you aren't well enough, can hardly walk, taking MY crutches, leaving Tata alone during the day when she has got so used to you, is just plain selfish and unacceptable," he concluded, feeling rather pleased with himself.

Leonora's face was growing blacker.

"Anyway, Leonard is going out shooting on Sunday so we can all have a great time together on our own," said Mrs Leonard. Although she was not usually so tactless, the words fell out of her mouth before she had even realised.

The little crutches perked up. So did Tata. Leonard wondered whether he should kick Mrs Leonard under the table.

"So. You want me to stay the weekend. You aren't even going to be around for half the weekend. I seem to remember having this conversation when I first arrived. You never change Leonard, and you have no respect for me or my opinions," she said, as icily as she could manage.

"Perhaps you can bring my salad to my room, as I do not wish to continue arguing here. Oh, and don't forget my glass of wine. Or maybe you should just bring me the whole bottle."

And she stood up to make a grand exit. But she overdid it on the acting bit and nearly fell over. The little crutches rushed to help her, and she just managed to regain her balance.

"How do you think you are going to cope on your own if you can't even get up from the table without nearly falling over?" he said.

"Now shut up and sit down. I'm not a personal flippin' waiter service and I'm not bringing your food to your room. If you want to eat you can eat here with us, and stop being so childish."

Leonora was so stunned she nearly fell over again, but the little crutches were there for her and kept her as upright as they could manage.

The trouble was, Leonora was hungry, and the food smelled delicious as usual. And Leonard sounded as though he meant what he had said. She sat down, very sulkily.

"On Saturday, when Mrs Leonard is shopping and cleaning the house, how about you, me, Tata and the little crutches go geocaching on a short walk that you should be able to manage? And you can learn how to use the GPS unit. I'll even let you use the new one," he offered. How could she resist an offer like that? he thought.

Leonora looked at him in disbelief. "Only you, Leonard, would manage to mention geocaching and shooting in the same conversation."

That was unfair, he thought. It was Mrs Leonard who had mentioned the shooting. Still, it was too late so it didn't matter now.

"I think you have gone quite far enough for one day. If you can't talk about anything interesting perhaps you should shut up too," she said.

Leonard, being a discreet sort of guy occasionally, decided to say nothing and walked out to get Leonora another glass of wine.

The little crutches and Tata were perplexed. Where was the feisty Leonora that everyone (except Leonard) loved? Leonora clearly was poorly. And she should stay. They had a quick chat amongst themselves, which was rare as Tata did not normally ally herself with two silly little crutches, and agreed to vote for Leonora staying.

Leonora decided to polish off the bottle of wine.


Superlong post as missed yesterdays!

The deal

Leonard was disturbed from his important perusal of Essential Gadgets Just For Men by a strange sound.

Leonora was making totally incomprensible noises on the sofa. She didn't sound very happy though.

Just as well I can't understand, thought Leonard. She's probably cursing me for making her play Risk. And he returned to Essential Gadgets, wondering if he could really justify another GPS to Mrs Leonard. I have it, I can say it is for Leonora while she is here. He limped over to the computer to start searching for the cheapest possible seller on the internet.

Leonora woke up with a start and a very muzzy head after her horrible nightmare.

Leonard turned round and told her he was ordering a GPS so that she would have one of her own to use while she was staying with them.

He thought she would be very pleased at his generous and thoughtful gesture. Obviously as he was paying for it she wouldn't be able to take it away. And it might come in useful for other guests too. Actually that was silly. The trick was to let Leonora use the old one, while he took the new one, especially as he needed to get used to the new features.

"Shut up about stupid GPS and geocaching. I'm not interested," she said most ungraciously.

Leonard looked very disappointed.

"Aw Leonora, I thought you would be pleased," he said sadly.

"I've just had a horrid nightmare about geocaching and armies so it's all your fault."

Leonard burst out laughing, he really couldn't help it.

"What a stupid dream Leonora. Only you would dream about geocaching and Risk together. What happened?"

She glared at him, but decided to tell him anyway.

"I was out caching on my own - which is highly unlikely as you can imagine - and just as I was about to find something, you sent your armies in to capture me, so you got to the cache, and it was a First To Find too."

At this point Leonard was laughing so much he thought he was going to choke. Tata and the little crutches sniggered too.

"I don't see why that was such a bad nightmare. Admittedly it would be disappointing not to get the First To Find, but it's hardly the end of the world," he eventually managed to say. Although he was always gutted when he just missed them.

"It wasn't funny. I was terrified of your armies. They were fierce and frightening and I thought they were going to kill me. They accused me of being a spy because I was pretending I didn't like geocaching but all the time I was trying to find the locations for your competitors so they could increase their numbers," babbled Leonora.

Leonard looked at her totally bemused. "I don't know what it says about your state of mind," he said.

"I do. It says no more Risk today," she said firmly.

"Are you making this dream up?" he asked.

"No, and I don't want to go geocaching again either, so you can forget ordering a new GPS unit and using me as an excuse."

"I'll do you a deal," he said quickly, desperate on seeing his reason for justifying the new GPS going up in smoke.

"I don't do deals," she said. "What is it?"

"No more Risk, as long as you let me go along with ordering the GPS on your behalf, so that Mrs Leonard doesn't complain at me." It was a risky suggestion but he thought this might appeal to Leonora's conspiratorial nature.

"No more Risk, OK you can order it - but as a surprise so it doesn't tie me into going caching, and you find a different game for us to play. And not anything involving dice. I don't think I like dice games. I certainly don't like war games," she said.

"Draughts, scrabble, dominoes or cards. And if you can't find any of them in the house, you can buy some. Or I'll buy them in fact." Leonora laid down her terms, pleased with herself that she had come back with a good counter-proposal.

She knew Leonard's weakness for gadgets, he would get to order the new GPS unit, and she would get to beat him at whatever game they ended up playing. And if he couldn't find any of the prescribed games in the house, her offer to buy something meant it wouldn't cost him anything. Irresistible, she thought.

"OK, I can live with that. But whatever game we play, we play for money," he added.

Now, much as Leonora liked playing the games she had mentioned, she did not like playing for money. It added a totally different dimension. And if she did not like losing games, she certainly didn't like losing money. Neither did Leonard but it was worth the risk that she would refuse so he could get his next point in.

"That's gambling. I don't gamble," she said.

"I think it is called playing for stakes," he said.

"That's what I said. Gambling." Leonora was getting sulky. She wasn't that confident of winning that she was prepared to put money on a game.

"How about strip poker then?" he said, with a straight face.

"I don't think that is funny at all."

"All right then. If you aren't willing to play for money, or .. play strip poker, I'll do you a different deal. When the new unit comes, and you are able to move about a bit more, you come caching with us at least once to justify me ordering it."

"Maybe," she said grudgingly, thinking she could probably get out of it later.

"No, not maybe, Leonora. You aren't going to get out of it later. Say 'Yes, Leonard, I agree.'"

There was a long silence. Well, it felt long to Leonard, wondering if he had pushed it too far.

"I agree," she finally said.

"I'll go and make us both a cup of tea, camomile of course for you," he offered generously.

"I really can't manage more than one cup of camomile tea a day. Just get me a glass of wine, oh, and I'll have a sandwich as well. Please."

That should annoy Leonard, she thought viciously. He was so prudish and boring that he certainly wouldn't approve of her drinking a glass of wine in the morning, and he would dislike her treating him as a waiter. She settled back on the sofa, pleased with her little self again.

"I'm not sure we've got any wine Leonora," he said, laughing to himself as he limped off into the kitchen.

Strategy

Leonora was not winning.

It was hardly surprising as she had never played the game before and wasn't remotely interested in military strategy.

The nearest she had got to any contact with military strategy was reading about the spread of the Roman Empire and its subsequent decline, and that was not proving at all useful during this game.

Leonard, unsurprisingly, was being very good-natured. He was also being very patronising and superior. Every time Leonora made a poor move, he helpfully pointed out exactly why it was crap and suggested a few other moves she could have made instead.

Leonora's head was spinning. It was worse than chess. Leonard had done it deliberately and she hated him. It was totally unfair to choose a game that she had never played and which she disliked out of principle. She would have stood a good chance of beating him at all the other games (apart from chess). She sighed. She hated being beaten. She liked to win, and she was not going to win this game.

Leonard heard the sigh and tried not to laugh. He hated being beaten and liked to win too. He very much enjoyed beating Leonora, because there was the added delight of knowing how much she hated to lose.

Totally forgetting his earlier resolution to wait until she was in a good mood - which she clearly wasn't at the moment - he asked his favourite question.

"What did you do with the letters?"

That was it. Leonora had had quite enough of Leonard and she tipped up the board. Infantry, cavalry, artillery, cards, and dice flew all over the sitting room and she sulked back against the sofa. At least it got her out of losing the game.

"Flippin' heck, Leonora. Why did you do that?" he asked.

"It wasn't because you were losing was it?"

And he patiently started collecting everything back together, crawling all over the floor to retrieve the tiny pieces from underneath furniture. This took some considerable time.

Tata and the little crutches watched in amazement at this latest development in their morning's entertainment.

"Well, anyway, you've got the idea of it. We can regard that as a trial game and play a serious one now," he said peaceably, once he had rescued all the displaced armies, cards and dice.

And Leonard started sharing out the pieces again. Smiling.

Leonora was horrified. She hadn't got out of the game at all, and she had missed her chance to give him grief for mentioning those irritating letters again. What a disastrous morning.

Nor did she seem to have any choice. With a furrowed brow, she settled down to learn how to play Risk and prove she wasn't entirely useless at the stupid game.

She grabbed the rules from Leonard and read them yet again. Hmmm, it seemed fairly straightforward in a confused sort of way. Perhaps if she treat it like a complicated version of draughts she might get the hang of it. She needed to look it up on the internet and then she could get some tips on strategy. How to get Leonard out of the way long enough for that?

Fortunately he decided to take Tata out into the garden for her morning run round, and to smoke a couple of tabs while he watched her.

Leonora promptly threw off her cover and fell over to the computer to look up strategy for playing Risk on the internet. Gloom. There was far too much information. She went for a couple of key sites and decided to print them off so she could refer to them. By the time Leonard came back she was lying innocently on the sofa as usual.

"Ready to start again Leonora?"

"To be honest Leonard, it's done my head in a bit. Can we take a break, and I'll have a nap, and then we can start again later? If that's OK with you?"

Leonard didn't really care when they played as he was going to beat her. And apart from her amazingly childish tantrum, she had been quite pleasant and seemed mildly interested in learning.

He picked up Essential Gadgets Just For Men and decided to have a browse through for the tenth time to decide which of the latest gadgets he absolutely needed immediately. He plonked himself on the other sofa. Tata bounded up to lie next to him with her head on his lap.

Leonora drifted off to sleep.

Peace and tranquility descended on the household for a short while.

The game

Leonard was out of his wheelchair. But Leonora was still lingering on the sofa. In fact Leonard wished he had never asked her to move out of the bedroom.

The woman had turned into a permanent invalid who wasn't even ill. She was like Margaret out of Mary Wesley's A Dubious Legacy. Not that Leonard read Mary Wesley, but if he had done, no doubt that is what he would have thought.

Every day she graciously got up mid-morning, and with the help of the little crutches, who were having a very lazy life thanks to Leonora, she would install herself on the sofa and summon Leonard to bring her book and her cover.

If Leonard had thought being a waiter providing room service was a bad idea, being Leonora's nursemaid was even worse.

Most mornings she would sigh and make a pointed comment about it not being a fresh coffee household. Then she would reluctantly accept Leonard's offer to make her a cup of tea. The only way Leonard could bring himself to do this was because he usually wanted another one.

Of course Leonora did not like Leonard's tea so Mrs Leonard had thoughtfully bought a box of camomile tea which Leonora had one day said she liked. She also liked darjeeling and assam, but couldn't imagine Leonard faffing around with tea leaves and getting it exactly how she liked it. A camomile tea bag was far easier.

"Don't forgot to use camomile tea for me please," she repeated every morning to Leonard's increasing irritation. One morning he was going to lose it and snap at her, but so far he had resisted the temptation.

After the camomile tea, which Leonora did not usually drink at home so was enjoying the change, she would then request some fruit. If there was fruit salad, she would have a bowl of that, otherwise she was happy with a couple of kiwi fruit or a grapefruit. Sometimes she had a glass of orange juice too, but she didn't want to overdo it on the Vitamin C.

The first time she had asked Leonard for kiwi fruit, he had carefully peeled them and sliced them up for her.

"Oh Leonard, you didn't have to do that. I would have done it. All I would need is a knife and a spoon, and two bowls, oh, and some kitchen paper too," she said in her helpful pained voice.

"It's easier and less messy to do it myself," he said. So he became Leonora's unwilling fruit preparer from then on.

Tata sat next to her waiting for her share of the fruit, and was invariably disappointed to only receive a couple of pieces. She considered she was totally irresistible with her big eyes and couldn't understand why Leonora got it all down her neck without so much as a guilty look.

Leonora quite fancied fiddling with Leonard's laptop in the mornings but decided that wasn't an entirely sensible request so she quietly opened her book when she had finished breakfasting.

Occasionally Leonora would say something of a chatty nature to Leonard, to prove she was sticking to her part of the bargain. She usually managed to choose a time to start the conversation when he was in the midst of writing something or uploading photos.

"What was that Leonora?" he would answer. "Can you just wait until I have finished this?"

But he had lost his concentration by then and invariably forgot what he was going to write or which picture went where.

"Sorry Leonard, I didn't meant to interrupt you. I just didn't want you to think I was being rude and ignoring you," she would say apologetically.

One day she said brightly - interrupting Leonard's meanderings around the geocaching site - "Shall we play a game?"

"What? I spy?" he said wondering what on earth she was talking about. "Or hide and seek?"

"Ha ha. No. I meant a board game like draughts, or cards if you want," she answered.

He turned to look at her thoughtfully. "I don't know what we've got still. There might be something left over from when we played with the kids. I'll go and have a look and see if there is anything. Otherwise there may be something in the loft but we will have to ask Mrs Leonard to get that for us."

Off he went to have a look, and Leonora lay there tantalising herself with what games he might bring back. She liked draughts. Chess was a bit heavy and too thoughtful, plus she could never remember how to play and she was rubbish on the strategy.

Monopoly wasn't much fun for two. Scrabble was ok. What else might Leonard be able to find?

Dominoes would be all right too. Leonora was good at dominoes. She liked cards as well, poker, whist, rummy. She particularly liked snap. It would be ace fun to play snap and shout SNAP! in Leonard's face all the time.

Leonard returned clutching a box. Leonora's face fell. It wasn't any of the ones she had been hoping for.

Risk. Military strategy to achieve world domination.

"Leonard. I do not wish to play a game based on fighting."

"Sorry Leonora. That's all I could find. It's Risk or nothing," he said.

"Did you look for anything else?"

"Do you want to play?" he said ignoring the question.

"I don't know how."

"I'll teach you. I'm sure you will learn fast enough," he said nicely. "Shall we play?"

And Leonard started sharing out the pieces, happily dreaming of a pleasant morning trouncing Leonora and her armies as he dominated the world.



Pic courtesy of Wiki

The truce

Leonora stared at him. Leonard had definitely lost it. He was utterly and completely mad. Only a raving idiot would ask about two letters written some 20 years ago.

"What did you do with the letters?" he repeated pleasantly as though she hadn't heard him the first time.

"I was serious you know. I meant every word," he said, adding to Leonora's discomfort.

She shook herself. And recovered.

"Only you Leonard, would ask silly questions about letters written 20 years ago.

"If you were so interested, it might have been a good idea to have asked about them at the time."

"So, why didn't you reply?" he persisted cheerily.

"Leonard. Shut up about the letters. I'm not interested in them," she said.

"I am. Why didn't you reply, or even mention them to me?" he said.

Leonora looked at him perplexed. She had thought he was having a joke at her expense at the time and he seemed to be doing it again now.

She had been so annoyed when she received them that she had intended to reply, or say something about them to him, but never quite thought of the right words and eventually time had slipped by. Just as well, she thought.

"They are in the past Leonard and that's where they belong. Leave them there. And if you can't find anything more sensible to talk about, clear out of my room."

"Aw Leonora, that's a good reason to talk about them. We can have a conversation like adults."

"We never have a conversation like adults, as we both well know. Now if you don't shut up about them I shall throw my book at you," she said assertively.

"You weren't reading it anyway. And you would miss."

"How could I miss when you are six inches from my nose and getting right in my face. As usual," she said, becoming irritated with him.

"Leonora,....." he began.

"I'm serious Leonard. Shut. Up."

"OK," he said reluctantly. "But if I'm meeting you halfway, you could at least drag yourself out of the bedroom and come and talk to me. Or read your book in the same room as me." And then he left.

Why had she not answered his questions? Leonard did not like to have his questions ignored. He thought he was particularly good at asking questions too. The trouble with Leonora was that she was quite good at avoiding them. That silly journalist training that she had done had taught her to spot a basic line of questioning, and she had also developed an aversion to answering Nosy Personal Questions. Maybe he would ask her again when she was in a better mood.

Leonora was confused. Leonard confused her at the best of times but this questioning about the letters was truly strange. She decided to put it to the back of her mind, as she had done with the letters all those years ago.

But she realised he was right about avoiding him. She had been avoiding him, for good reasons in her opinion, but if he was offering to be nice, or at least as nice as he could manage, she could hardly refuse.

She got out of bed and then realised she was going to struggle to carry the book while using the little crutches. Well, if Leonard was going to be so helpful and kind she would get him to come back for her book. Perhaps she could send him on a few trips backwards and forwards to the bedroom. That would soon determine how nice he really was.

She limped painfully into the sitting room.

Leonard was faffing around with his music on the computer as usual with about 10 boring forums open at the same time.

"Leonard," she said with a forlorn face. "I can't carry my book and manage the little crutches at the same time. Do you think you could possibly go and get it for me please? I'm sorry to disturb you," she said in her very best apologetic voice.

"Of course Leonora. No problem." And off he went. Thank goodness the stupid woman had decided to be reasonable for once.

Leonora installed herself on the sofa. Leonard brought the book back.

"Oh Leonard, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise until I lay on the sofa that I would really like a sheet or a light blanket or something. Do you think you would be able to bring one from the bedroom for me?" she asked.

Leonard gave her the book and looked at her. She met his gaze. The truth was she had forgotten she would want something to cover her, although the thought of sending Leonard back again was very nice. She obviously couldn't do it a third time though.

He came back with a light cover for her and carefully tucked it round her.

"Thank you so much. I won't ask for anything else," she said, and smiled sweetly at him. Too sweetly he thought.

She wondered how long to leave it before she asked for a glass of water. And perhaps a sandwich. This truce could be fun.

The interrogation

Leonard and Leonora were skirting round each other. Whenever Mrs Leonard was around they attempted to be civil, although not usually with much success. Less so when Tata was around, which was silly because Tata always told Mrs Leonard what was going on when they talked about Womens' Things in the kitchen together.

Leonora was miserable. It was one thing staying as a welcome house guest for a couple of days and being able to go out and do fun things and everyone generally having a good time. It was quite another being a virtual - although well-treated - prisoner in someone else's home. And Leonard was being quite horrid to her. It was fun teasing each other for a short while, but Leonard wasn't smiling or joking at all. Leonora felt that he wished she was just not there.

Leonard was miserable too. Why was Leonora being so bad-tempered with him all the time? She had totally lost her sense of fun. Admittedly it wasn't much fun having a badly-sprained ankle but she hadn't smiled or laughed or teased for days.

She spent most of her time in her room reading, or sleeping, or just lying there. He knew she would rather be at home, but she didn't need to make it so obvious that she didn't like to be in the same room as him.

He decided to do something about it. There was only the two of them in the house.

Tata and Mrs Leonard had gone out to the beach to dig holes and run round in crazy circles. Obviously Mrs Leonard did neither of those things, she was far too sensible. But Tata had not given up hope that Leonora might at least run round in crazy circles with her when her leg was better, even if she didn't want to dig holes in the sand.

Leonard approached Leonora's room and rapped on the door.

Leonora was lying on the bed with an open book, but not reading it. She recognised Leonard's authoritative knock. Not that it would be anyone else as the other two had gone down to the beach. The two little crutches jumped smartly to attention. They had self-designated themselves as Leonora's protectors, or at the least, her supporters.

"Yeah," she said eventually, and Leonard went in. She finally looked up at him. Irritating man. He was right next to the bed and very much in her face.

"What do you want?" she said churlishly, wishing she had told him to go away.

Leonard felt like giving the woman a good shaking but reminded himself that he was meant to be there to improve the situation and not make it worse. He thought about being subtle, but he wasn't sure how to do it. It was hardly his style.

"Leonora, what's wrong? Why do you seem to be avoiding me?"

She was horrified. She hated difficult conversations. It was much easier to joke and tease. She looked at Leonard blankly.

"I know you would rather be at home but we are all very concerned about you, and feel terrible that you came to stay with us and ended up having an accident.

"But you are hardly speaking to me, and you go out of your way not to be in the same room as me. What have I done?"

Leonard was proud of himself. He thought that was exactly the right mix of honestly, empathy, a slight amount of humility, and oozing with thoughtfulness and consideration. He waited patiently for Leonora's response.

"What?" she said, totally puzzled. It was Leonard who was being horrid to her. What was he playing at now?

Leonard sighed, somewhat over-heavily.

"I know we don't always understand each other, or have the same views, but at least this chance to spend a longer period of time together gives us the opportunity to learn more about each other," he said. Why had he said that? He was getting totally carried away with his own rhetoric and felt slightly sick.

Leonora looked at him as though he was absolutely raving. She felt sick too. She didn't want to get to know Leonard any more than she already did. Silly idiot.

"It's easier to stay here than keep staggering around the house," she said. It was true. And meant she didn't have to get into any of that emotional stuff that Leonard strangely seemed intent on.

"But you could always lie on the sofa for most of the day," he suggested.

"Not when Tata is on there."

"There is more than one sofa. Even Tata can not lie on two sofas at once," said Leonard, his irritation returning.

Leonora felt cornered. What was wrong with Leonard? She was keeping out of the way and they weren't arguing. Well, they couldn't argue as they weren't speaking, apart from at meal times.

Leonard had a flash of inspiration.

"What did you do with those two letters that I wrote to you?"



Note from editor: two posts today as didn't post yesterdays due to unreasonable behaviour by Leonard

Room service

When they got back from the hospital, Leonora said she was going to go and lie down for a while. Not only did she go and lie down, she cried herself to sleep, partly with the pain, partly because she felt so out of control, but mainly because she was feeling so very sorry for herself.

Leonard was very frustrated at being in a wheelchair again. He was also annoyed that Leonora had gone to bed because he had no-one to take out his irritation on.

Mrs Leonard and Tata had immediately cleared off into the kitchen on the pretext of preparing a somewhat late lunch, although mainly because they could see the warning signs of Leonard's frustration and they didn't feel like humouring him.

As they chatted in the kitchen together, they agreed the ideal solution would be to lock Leonard and Leonora in a room together for the next week so that they could annoy each other and leave everyone else alone.

"Ruff, ruff, ruff," barked Tata, thinking that was a really funny joke. And then "Rrrruff," when she realised that if Leonora was locked in a room with Leonard she would not be able to play tugs with Tata, or tell her how beautiful and wonderful she was.

At lunchtime, Leonora had still not surfaced.

"Leonard, " called Mrs Leonard from the sanctity of her kitchen. "Go and tell Leonora it's lunchtime."

"Aw do I have to? Why can't you or Tata go?" he whined.

"We're busy."

What the hell was Tata doing to be busy in the kitchen apart from gossiping with Mrs Leonard and scavenging tit-bits? Arguing with either of them however, was not to be recommended and as for arguing with both of them....his life would be miserable for days. And it was bad enough as it was at the moment.

He sighed and wheeled his way towards Leonora's room. He tapped on the partly open door. No answer. Damn. He hoped the wretched woman wasn't half naked. He pushed the door open cautiously, ready to do a shoot (as much as he could) if she was not sufficiently respectable.

But no. She was lying there with a sheet over her, and it looked like she had some clothes on too. Phew. He looked at her tear-stained face and almost felt sorry for her, and then remembered that she was selfish, childish and rude.

"Leonora, it's lunchtime," he said curtly.

There was no answer. "Leonora!" he snapped.

She pulled the sheet over her head.

"Don't want any lunch. Go away," came the muffled and sulky reply.

"Mrs Leonard has cooked an excellent vegetarian meal, solely with the intent of pleasing you. Stop being so inconsiderate and come and have something to eat." And he left the room before she managed to annoy him even more.

Leonora wearily sat up and dragged herself over to the mirror with the help of the little crutches. Not only did she have a huge plaster cast up to her knee, she now had a blotchy face, a red nose, and incredibly baggy eyes. She could try and disguise it with make-up but she doubted she would have much success so she didn't bother trying.

She slowly hopped to the table.

"How are you feeling Leonora?" asked Mrs Leonard kindly. "Any better after your nap?" Although actually thinking that Leonora looked terrible.

"It was good to have a rest," replied Leonora, not answering the question, and toying with her salad.

Then out of nowhere, "I was thinking maybe I could get the train home, and then when I can drive again, I can come back and pick up my Land Rover," she said.

"No," said Leonard.

"How do you mean 'No'?" she asked.

"Just that. No. There's no discussion to have. Drop the subject Leonora," he ordered.

She lifted her unhappy green eyes to meet his cold grey-blue ones. And decided she didn't feel like arguing. Leonard was not in a mood to be argued with.

Leonora was torn. On the one hand, it would be nice to be looked after and Mrs Leonard's cooking was always delicious. But on the other, Leonora felt genuinely embarrassed about staying with someone for longer than a couple of days, and although it was fun to tease Leonard, even she realised it would rapidly stop being funny.

"How about I contribute something to the food bill?"

Neither Leonard nor Mrs Leonard were remotely bothered about the extra cost of feeding Leonora as she was hardly expensive to keep.

"I suppose you can buy a few lettuces or whatever it is that forms the main part of your diet," said Leonard.

"That's rather a stereotypical view Leonard. I do eat more than lettuce as you well know," she answered.

"Let's worry about it later Leonora dear. We don't even know how long you will be here do we?" said Mrs Leonard, stepping in to avoid yet another spat between the two of them.

Leonora pushed the salad round her plate a bit more. Mrs Leonard looked at her sympathetically.

"If you don't feel like eating any more Leonora, just leave it. You can always eat later, and I will reheat the main course for you," she said.

"Or if you want to eat in your room, Leonard can bring it to you."

Flippin' heck, thought Leonard. Now I'm a waiter providing room service to Leonora. Whatever next?