But Leonard and Leonora were not very good at living without each other.
For whatever reason.
And sooner or later - they were going to start their silly games all over again.
Monday 21 September 2009
Saturday 4 July 2009
Monday 16 March 2009
What next?
The trouble was, after a while, Leonard realised he was missing Leonora.
He was moping around the house, gazing at the screen waiting for new caches to be published, but none were appearing in front of his very eyes.
Leonora always changed her mind and got back in touch with him. Even when she was adamant that she never ever wanted any more to do with him.
But this time she hadn't.
"What shall I do Tata?" he asked.
Tata glared at him. There was no fire for her to lie in front of, she was still not allowed to go on the new sofas so she was sulking on her basket behind the sofa.
She didn't really care about Leonard's problems with Leonora. Tata had spent months and months conniving and contriving with Leonard to lure Leonora back and he still managed to stuff it up. She was not getting involved any more. Unless someone allowed her on the sofa of course.
Leonard needed a new distraction. Suddenly a brilliant idea came to him.
He NEEDED an iPhone. That was it. A nice new shiny 3G iPhone. He was pleased with the iTouch that Mrs Leonard had bought for his birthday, but the iPhone was becoming an Essential Gadget To Have.
All the gadgets he needed in one. GPS, a phone, a camera, and automatic updating with the geocaching website while he was on the move. Just in case those new caches cropped up. He sighed in anticipated pleasure. Of course, he would still carry a proper GPS too, but he wouldn't need the new camera, the expensive mobile, or the iTouch.
He happily spent a few hours reading up on them and sourcing some good prices. The thing was though, he didn't want a rip-off contract. And when he started his research, he discovered that the price for the internet made the contract even more expensive in the second year.
Nothing was going right at the moment. He decided reluctantly to look for other options. He gazed at the Samsung and the HTC iPhone imitators. They didn't look like an iPhone though.
And Leonora would be so annoyed if he got an iPhone. She never shut up about how superior her flippin' Apple computers were, but she didn't seem to want to pay out for an iPhone. It would be good to steal a march on her there.
But Leonard had another dilemma. How to convince Mrs Leonard that he NEEDED an iPhone when the iTouch wasn't even 12 months old? And there was nothing wrong with the expensive mobile that she had bought for him either. Although it was four years old. And a couple of functions didn't work after he took the battery out without resetting it. But otherwise it was pretty good, considering it had been bounced, dropped, stood on, and generally abused. He would worry about that later. What he needed to do first, was to find a good deal, and then it would be virtually fait accompli.
Leonard was persistent when he NEEDED gadgets. He started looking at options for unlocking iPhones so that he didn't have to pay the ridiculous contract prices. He was fairly confident about doing this as he had managed to jailbreak his iTouch. It shouldn't be a problem unlocking the iPhone and using his current cheap mobile deal.
Eventually he thought he found the solution. He decided to think about it before he broke the news to Mrs Leonard so that he could present a clear and unarguable case about the necessity for an iPhone. In the meantime though, he would write to Leonora and ask her if she was ok. Perhaps he would mention the iPhone too in a nice sort of way, asking for her advice. Maybe not though.
He looked at the iTouch and the mobile. Yes, their days were definitely numbered. They would soon be finding their way into the (large) box of treasured presents and neglected fad gadgets. Still, they would not be lonely in there.
He was moping around the house, gazing at the screen waiting for new caches to be published, but none were appearing in front of his very eyes.
Leonora always changed her mind and got back in touch with him. Even when she was adamant that she never ever wanted any more to do with him.
But this time she hadn't.
"What shall I do Tata?" he asked.
Tata glared at him. There was no fire for her to lie in front of, she was still not allowed to go on the new sofas so she was sulking on her basket behind the sofa.
She didn't really care about Leonard's problems with Leonora. Tata had spent months and months conniving and contriving with Leonard to lure Leonora back and he still managed to stuff it up. She was not getting involved any more. Unless someone allowed her on the sofa of course.
Leonard needed a new distraction. Suddenly a brilliant idea came to him.
He NEEDED an iPhone. That was it. A nice new shiny 3G iPhone. He was pleased with the iTouch that Mrs Leonard had bought for his birthday, but the iPhone was becoming an Essential Gadget To Have.
All the gadgets he needed in one. GPS, a phone, a camera, and automatic updating with the geocaching website while he was on the move. Just in case those new caches cropped up. He sighed in anticipated pleasure. Of course, he would still carry a proper GPS too, but he wouldn't need the new camera, the expensive mobile, or the iTouch.
He happily spent a few hours reading up on them and sourcing some good prices. The thing was though, he didn't want a rip-off contract. And when he started his research, he discovered that the price for the internet made the contract even more expensive in the second year.
Nothing was going right at the moment. He decided reluctantly to look for other options. He gazed at the Samsung and the HTC iPhone imitators. They didn't look like an iPhone though.
And Leonora would be so annoyed if he got an iPhone. She never shut up about how superior her flippin' Apple computers were, but she didn't seem to want to pay out for an iPhone. It would be good to steal a march on her there.
But Leonard had another dilemma. How to convince Mrs Leonard that he NEEDED an iPhone when the iTouch wasn't even 12 months old? And there was nothing wrong with the expensive mobile that she had bought for him either. Although it was four years old. And a couple of functions didn't work after he took the battery out without resetting it. But otherwise it was pretty good, considering it had been bounced, dropped, stood on, and generally abused. He would worry about that later. What he needed to do first, was to find a good deal, and then it would be virtually fait accompli.
Leonard was persistent when he NEEDED gadgets. He started looking at options for unlocking iPhones so that he didn't have to pay the ridiculous contract prices. He was fairly confident about doing this as he had managed to jailbreak his iTouch. It shouldn't be a problem unlocking the iPhone and using his current cheap mobile deal.
Eventually he thought he found the solution. He decided to think about it before he broke the news to Mrs Leonard so that he could present a clear and unarguable case about the necessity for an iPhone. In the meantime though, he would write to Leonora and ask her if she was ok. Perhaps he would mention the iPhone too in a nice sort of way, asking for her advice. Maybe not though.
He looked at the iTouch and the mobile. Yes, their days were definitely numbered. They would soon be finding their way into the (large) box of treasured presents and neglected fad gadgets. Still, they would not be lonely in there.
Thursday 5 March 2009
Dismissed
Leonard received an email from Leonora.
He read it in annoyance and decided not to reply.
The next morning he was still annoyed with her arrogant, judgemental tone, and her suggestion that she wanted no more to do with him.
He decided he would reply after all. Leonard did not consider he was guilty as charged. He had no intention of apologising and if Leonora wanted to break off all communications, that was fine by him. He was tired of her childish temperamental behaviour.
Leonard sent her an angry one-liner. Have that Leonora, he thought to himself. Being a thoughtful nice sort of guy, he added that he hoped she enjoyed her weekend.
.............
He had a pleasant weekend pottering around in the garage and going for a few caches with Tata.
On Monday he was rather surprised to received an email from Leonora. Perhaps she was having a change of heart. Leonard did not reply.
Later that night she sent him another brief mail asking if he was ignoring her. Before he went to bed, he sent her a cold dismissive response.
He read it in annoyance and decided not to reply.
The next morning he was still annoyed with her arrogant, judgemental tone, and her suggestion that she wanted no more to do with him.
He decided he would reply after all. Leonard did not consider he was guilty as charged. He had no intention of apologising and if Leonora wanted to break off all communications, that was fine by him. He was tired of her childish temperamental behaviour.
Leonard sent her an angry one-liner. Have that Leonora, he thought to himself. Being a thoughtful nice sort of guy, he added that he hoped she enjoyed her weekend.
.............
He had a pleasant weekend pottering around in the garage and going for a few caches with Tata.
On Monday he was rather surprised to received an email from Leonora. Perhaps she was having a change of heart. Leonard did not reply.
Later that night she sent him another brief mail asking if he was ignoring her. Before he went to bed, he sent her a cold dismissive response.
Wednesday 25 February 2009
Wondering
Leonard wondered what had happened to Leonora.
He looked for her but couldn't find her.
Perhaps she had cleared off to her own blog without telling him.
That would be typical of her.
Leonard knew he had done nothing wrong and decided that Leonora was clearly over-reacting as usual.
He really didn't have anything to say to her anyway.
He looked for her but couldn't find her.
Perhaps she had cleared off to her own blog without telling him.
That would be typical of her.
Leonard knew he had done nothing wrong and decided that Leonora was clearly over-reacting as usual.
He really didn't have anything to say to her anyway.
Thursday 5 February 2009
Friday
When she woke up on Friday morning Leonora was livid.
The evening before she had been in a state of mild shock after the episode in the shower and had managed to get through dinner as though nothing was wrong, and then gone to bed.
But by the morning her anger had had chance to ferment overnight and she decided Leonard had gone one step too far.
She lay in bed listening to Leonard and Mrs Leonard getting ready to go to work, and decided to wait until they had left the house before she got up. She really couldn't bring herself to say anything remotely civil to Leonard.
His footsteps came towards her room. Leonora feigned sleep. She was very good at that.
Leonard stuck his head round the door.
"Morning you. I'm off to work, but as it's Friday I'll be home in a few hours so we can go out somewhere this afternoon," he said.
He waited for an answer. Nothing.
"Oh well, see you then."
Like hell, thought Leonora. Like hell. She lay there for a while longer listening to the sound of Tata's Land Rover starting up and then driving down the street. Then she gave it another five minutes or so just in case for some bizarre reason he decided to come back for anything.
When she was satisfied the coast was clear she got up. She packed her tiny bag, made the bed, and walked out into the hall.
Tata was lying on her basket snoozing happily. She heard Leonora get up but decided to wait for her to go into the kitchen before she went to greet her. Leonora paused in the hall. She had forgotten something. What was it?
She suddenly remembered, and opened the door to the junk cupboard. The three remaining little crutches were still there, neglected, abandoned and very sorry for themselves.
Leonora smiled at them, and reached in to take them out. They opened their big eyes in shock. They couldn't remember the last time they had gone anywhere. They were so dejected they figured it would be their last trip out, and they were going to be thrown on the scrap heap.
"I'm taking you home with me to join the other two little crutches," she said kindly.
The little crutches still didn't say anything as Leonora bundled them under her arm, and picked her bag up with the other hand.
She marched out of the front door, and strode towards her Land Rover. She opened the driver's side, put the bag on the passenger seat, and lay the three little crutches down carefully in the rear of the vehicle.
Then, taking a deep breath, she put the key in the ignition. She said a quick prayer to Lucas, Prince of Darkness and any other Land Rover deities who might be listening, and turned the key.
Brrrrrrrrrm. The Land Rover sprung into life (if Land Rovers can do that). Leonora engaged first gear and set off home.
The evening before she had been in a state of mild shock after the episode in the shower and had managed to get through dinner as though nothing was wrong, and then gone to bed.
But by the morning her anger had had chance to ferment overnight and she decided Leonard had gone one step too far.
She lay in bed listening to Leonard and Mrs Leonard getting ready to go to work, and decided to wait until they had left the house before she got up. She really couldn't bring herself to say anything remotely civil to Leonard.
His footsteps came towards her room. Leonora feigned sleep. She was very good at that.
Leonard stuck his head round the door.
"Morning you. I'm off to work, but as it's Friday I'll be home in a few hours so we can go out somewhere this afternoon," he said.
He waited for an answer. Nothing.
"Oh well, see you then."
Like hell, thought Leonora. Like hell. She lay there for a while longer listening to the sound of Tata's Land Rover starting up and then driving down the street. Then she gave it another five minutes or so just in case for some bizarre reason he decided to come back for anything.
When she was satisfied the coast was clear she got up. She packed her tiny bag, made the bed, and walked out into the hall.
Tata was lying on her basket snoozing happily. She heard Leonora get up but decided to wait for her to go into the kitchen before she went to greet her. Leonora paused in the hall. She had forgotten something. What was it?
She suddenly remembered, and opened the door to the junk cupboard. The three remaining little crutches were still there, neglected, abandoned and very sorry for themselves.
Leonora smiled at them, and reached in to take them out. They opened their big eyes in shock. They couldn't remember the last time they had gone anywhere. They were so dejected they figured it would be their last trip out, and they were going to be thrown on the scrap heap.
"I'm taking you home with me to join the other two little crutches," she said kindly.
The little crutches still didn't say anything as Leonora bundled them under her arm, and picked her bag up with the other hand.
She marched out of the front door, and strode towards her Land Rover. She opened the driver's side, put the bag on the passenger seat, and lay the three little crutches down carefully in the rear of the vehicle.
Then, taking a deep breath, she put the key in the ignition. She said a quick prayer to Lucas, Prince of Darkness and any other Land Rover deities who might be listening, and turned the key.
Brrrrrrrrrm. The Land Rover sprung into life (if Land Rovers can do that). Leonora engaged first gear and set off home.
The shower scene
Leonard was as good as his word.
While Leonora was standing under the hot water in the shower trying to warm up, he lit the fire.
Leonora was the sort of person who could spend hours in a bath and nearly as long in a shower.
She stood there with her eyes shut letting the water cascade all over her.
Suddenly she heard a noise. She looked at the shower door horrified. It was moving. The shower scene from Psycho shot through her mind. Where the hell was Leonard? The scream stuck in her throat.
Leonard stepped into the shower and shut the shower door behind him.
"Leonard," she eventually squeaked. Then she quickly breathed in to restore her stomach muscles to their pre-40-year-old status, and, couldn't help looking down Leonard's body. He was naked. As you normally are in the shower.
Leonard saw her glance and laughed.
"What are you doing here? This is MY shower," she said, still shaking with shock.
"It's my shower. My house, so my shower."
"Yours and Mrs Leonard's actually. Come to think of it - where is Mrs Leonard? What would she think of you jumping into my shower?"
"Shopping," he said, not bothering to answer the last question.
"I thought you would approve of sharing the shower. Fits in with your environmental principles of not wasting water doesn't it?"
He reached over her for the soap.
"Come here, let me wash you down," and he pulled her towards him.
Leonora squeaked. Leonard was just too close to her.
"I don't use your soap. It's full of dead animals. I've got some mango shower gel there," she said.
Idiot, she said to herself. Why didn't I just say fuck off out of my shower?
Leonard obediently put the soap down and picked up the mango shower gel.
He squeezed some onto his hands and carefully started to massage it into Leonora's skin.
Double idiot, she said to herself. At least if he had been using the soap he wouldn't have been rubbing his hands all over me.
Leonora's nipples were embarrassing her. They were not supposed to do that. Well not for Leonard anyway.
His hands travelled down her abdomen. She was still breathing in. Dear me, she thought. I need to get out of this shower....but....but.....
"Turn round," he ordered suddenly. He reached over for more shower gel and then started rubbing it into her shoulders and her back. Leonora finally breathed out.
"Don't you think it smells nice?" said Leonora feebly, trying to inject some normality into a surreal situation. Leonard didn't answer.
Never in her wildest fantasies had she ever imagined her and Leonard standing in a shower together while Leonard's wife was out shopping.
His hands moved slowly and gently down her back. I will get out of this shower in a minute. The next minute. Well soon. Leonora so loved having her back rubbed - and in the shower, with sweet-smelling gel. Mmmm, seventh heaven without a doubt. Even if she was sharing heaven with Leonard.
A car pulled up outside. Neither of them heard it, but Tata got up to go and welcome Mrs Leonard.
Leonard reached the cheeks of her arse and started to rub them firmly. Leonora gulped. It was now or never. If she stayed any longer in the shower.....
She wriggled out of Leonard's grasp, and opened the doors, throwing water everywhere.
"Aw Leonora. What's wrong?" asked Leonard puzzled. He had even used the mango shower gel that she liked. Flippin' woman.
Leonora wrapped herself quickly in a towel, picked up her clothes and shot off to her room.
At the same time, Mrs Leonard walked in the front door with the shopping. She put the bags down, and noticing Leonora leave the bathroom, rushed towards it as she was desperate for a pee.
As she sat on the toilet she realised Leonora had left the shower running. Most unlike Leonora, but she made a note to turn it off when she had washed her hands.
But when she turned the sink tap off, the bathroom was strangely quiet. She turned round to see Leonard patting himself dry with a fluffy towel and admiring his figure.
"Hello Mrs Leonard," he said cheerfully.
"I thought Leonora was in here," she said puzzled.
"She was. You know how long she takes. She uses far too much water so I thought I would come in for my shower and gee her up a bit. Soon made her clear off."
Leonard was proud of that. Not a word of a lie.
"Oh," said Mrs Leonard, feeling very guilty of having even vaguely suspected Leonora and Leonard of getting up to anything in the shower. Although she thought she would ask Leonora about it later to make sure the tales tallied.
She went to pick up the shopping bags and take them into the kitchen. Tata trotted happily behind her.
Leonard noticed Leonora had left her glasses on the sink in her rush to get out of the bathroom. He picked them up and wandered down to her room.
She was lying in bed - as usual - trying to tell herself that she had not just spent five or ten minutes in the shower with a stark bollock naked Leonard.
"You left your glasses," he said, and put them down on the table next to the bed. "Oh, and I told Mrs Leonard that I came into the bathroom for my shower to rush you along because you were taking far too long as usual. You might want to remember that." And he walked out.
Mrs Leonard couldn't find the mushrooms or onions, and then realised she had left one bag in the car. As she went down the hall, she saw Leonard, clad in his towel, walking from Leonora's room back towards the bathroom.
She frowned. What on earth was going on?
While Leonora was standing under the hot water in the shower trying to warm up, he lit the fire.
Leonora was the sort of person who could spend hours in a bath and nearly as long in a shower.
She stood there with her eyes shut letting the water cascade all over her.
Suddenly she heard a noise. She looked at the shower door horrified. It was moving. The shower scene from Psycho shot through her mind. Where the hell was Leonard? The scream stuck in her throat.
Leonard stepped into the shower and shut the shower door behind him.
"Leonard," she eventually squeaked. Then she quickly breathed in to restore her stomach muscles to their pre-40-year-old status, and, couldn't help looking down Leonard's body. He was naked. As you normally are in the shower.
Leonard saw her glance and laughed.
"What are you doing here? This is MY shower," she said, still shaking with shock.
"It's my shower. My house, so my shower."
"Yours and Mrs Leonard's actually. Come to think of it - where is Mrs Leonard? What would she think of you jumping into my shower?"
"Shopping," he said, not bothering to answer the last question.
"I thought you would approve of sharing the shower. Fits in with your environmental principles of not wasting water doesn't it?"
He reached over her for the soap.
"Come here, let me wash you down," and he pulled her towards him.
Leonora squeaked. Leonard was just too close to her.
"I don't use your soap. It's full of dead animals. I've got some mango shower gel there," she said.
Idiot, she said to herself. Why didn't I just say fuck off out of my shower?
Leonard obediently put the soap down and picked up the mango shower gel.
He squeezed some onto his hands and carefully started to massage it into Leonora's skin.
Double idiot, she said to herself. At least if he had been using the soap he wouldn't have been rubbing his hands all over me.
Leonora's nipples were embarrassing her. They were not supposed to do that. Well not for Leonard anyway.
His hands travelled down her abdomen. She was still breathing in. Dear me, she thought. I need to get out of this shower....but....but.....
"Turn round," he ordered suddenly. He reached over for more shower gel and then started rubbing it into her shoulders and her back. Leonora finally breathed out.
"Don't you think it smells nice?" said Leonora feebly, trying to inject some normality into a surreal situation. Leonard didn't answer.
Never in her wildest fantasies had she ever imagined her and Leonard standing in a shower together while Leonard's wife was out shopping.
His hands moved slowly and gently down her back. I will get out of this shower in a minute. The next minute. Well soon. Leonora so loved having her back rubbed - and in the shower, with sweet-smelling gel. Mmmm, seventh heaven without a doubt. Even if she was sharing heaven with Leonard.
A car pulled up outside. Neither of them heard it, but Tata got up to go and welcome Mrs Leonard.
Leonard reached the cheeks of her arse and started to rub them firmly. Leonora gulped. It was now or never. If she stayed any longer in the shower.....
She wriggled out of Leonard's grasp, and opened the doors, throwing water everywhere.
"Aw Leonora. What's wrong?" asked Leonard puzzled. He had even used the mango shower gel that she liked. Flippin' woman.
Leonora wrapped herself quickly in a towel, picked up her clothes and shot off to her room.
At the same time, Mrs Leonard walked in the front door with the shopping. She put the bags down, and noticing Leonora leave the bathroom, rushed towards it as she was desperate for a pee.
As she sat on the toilet she realised Leonora had left the shower running. Most unlike Leonora, but she made a note to turn it off when she had washed her hands.
But when she turned the sink tap off, the bathroom was strangely quiet. She turned round to see Leonard patting himself dry with a fluffy towel and admiring his figure.
"Hello Mrs Leonard," he said cheerfully.
"I thought Leonora was in here," she said puzzled.
"She was. You know how long she takes. She uses far too much water so I thought I would come in for my shower and gee her up a bit. Soon made her clear off."
Leonard was proud of that. Not a word of a lie.
"Oh," said Mrs Leonard, feeling very guilty of having even vaguely suspected Leonora and Leonard of getting up to anything in the shower. Although she thought she would ask Leonora about it later to make sure the tales tallied.
She went to pick up the shopping bags and take them into the kitchen. Tata trotted happily behind her.
Leonard noticed Leonora had left her glasses on the sink in her rush to get out of the bathroom. He picked them up and wandered down to her room.
She was lying in bed - as usual - trying to tell herself that she had not just spent five or ten minutes in the shower with a stark bollock naked Leonard.
"You left your glasses," he said, and put them down on the table next to the bed. "Oh, and I told Mrs Leonard that I came into the bathroom for my shower to rush you along because you were taking far too long as usual. You might want to remember that." And he walked out.
Mrs Leonard couldn't find the mushrooms or onions, and then realised she had left one bag in the car. As she went down the hall, she saw Leonard, clad in his towel, walking from Leonora's room back towards the bathroom.
She frowned. What on earth was going on?
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