Leonard gazed out to sea, admiring the beautiful view. It was very peaceful and tranquil, although a few more people around to help him back up the cliff path wouldn't have gone amiss.
He decided it was the perfect time for a quiet tab. No Tata or the two women to moan about how horrid the smell was and how bad it was for him. He smiled, anticipating the pleasure to come from his cigarette.
Try as he might though, he could not get Leonora out of his mind.
He'd never really thought about why he was attracted to her all those years ago. Not conventionally pretty, she was OK to look at, but nothing special. She was tall and slim, verging on skinny in those days, and he laughed to himself as he realised she was right and that she had put on some weight recently. Not much, and he hadn't really noticed it before. It had obviously appeared some time after she had passed 40. Perhaps he should tell her "You don't look too bad for your age Leonora." Or perhaps not.
Leonard wasn't even sure how old she was. He knew they were a similar age, and that she was a bit older than him, but he had forgotten what the difference was over the years. And she had point blank refused to tell him when he had asked.
She was self-opinionated, arrogant, outspoken and far too sarcastic. But she had a good sense of fun and could usually take a joke. He had always admired her independence, her determination, and her spirit of adventure. She had travelled a lot in her twenties and thirties, was well qualified, and had moved around the country to advance her career. And at some point, while she was building her career and he was working away, they had lost contact.
They had only got in touch again after her parents had died. Leonora had, for some reason, chucked in her well-paid job and downsized to a small flat. She had stopped working entirely, and in Leonard's opinion was just dossing around. He wondered if he was slightly jealous of her having the luxury of doing exactly what she wanted to do.
Not long after she had "retired," her father had died suddenly, and then she had spent a lot of time travelling backwards and forwards to look after her mother, who then promptly died on her too. Leonard had heard snippets of the story from his mother, who had been to the funerals. He'd got Leonora's 'phone number from his mother too but with no real intention of ringing her.
He had been feeling rather bored one day though, Mrs Leonard had gone out with some friends, Tata didn't want to play with him, and it was raining heavily. On a whim he decided to ring Leonora. She had been so surprised she forgot to be stand-offish which was the reception he had expected, and it had been a good conversation.
The truth was Leonard felt quite sorry for her. She was an only child and after her parents died, she had no close family. After that, he rang her quite often, and even suggested meeting up. She poured an absolute torrent of cold water on that one. But Leonard persisted, and even invented a couple of fictitious business meetings in London to try and convince her, and eventually she gave in. Surprisingly the reunion went well and after that they met up regularly.
As they became more relaxed with each other, Leonard managed to stuff it up a couple of times.
On one occasion he had pointed out that she had no close family, and that he was always happy to help if she needed anything.
"Thank you Leonard. I do have two degrees and I do not need someone who left school at 16 with a couple of 'O' levels or CSEs or whatever you have, to point that out. I am not Little Orphan Annie and I don't need any charity from you," she had said.
Leonard had been so surprised that he decided not to correct her about his qualifications. Although Leonora often came out with smart comments, she did not usually deliberately hit below the belt. After that, their relationship had cooled off and she always seemed to be busy when he suggested meeting up. In the end, sick of endlessly being put off by her, he had chanced turning up at her home, hoping to hell that she was going to be in.
It wasn't often he had the chance of getting one over on Leonora, but the expression on her face when she opened the door made him feel the long drive had been well worth the effort.
"Leonard," she had said, with her mouth wide open. "What on earth are you doing here?"
"I came to see you," he said, stating the obvious. "I was passing."
Leonora started to speak. "I'm just........"
"Leonora, let me in. It's been a long drive, and I don't feel like listening to any of your silly childish excuses for not seeing me," he said. So she did.
Things had improved after that, and she had finally agreed to go and stay with Leonard and Mrs Leonard. She had been very reluctant at first, but Tata and Mrs Leonard and Leonora all got on well together, so Leonard's fictitious business trips dropped off, and Leonora travelled down to see them all instead.
But Leonard had realised that he knew nothing about her personal life. She wasn't married, and she never mentioned a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or having none of them, or having lots of them. Just. Nothing.
So one day he asked, in a light-hearted fashion, if there was anyone in her life.
"Leonard, please take your interfering nose out of my personal business, because that is exactly what it is. Personal and private. I don't ask you about all your marriages and your affairs, so I suggest you respect my private life."
He thought that was a bit unfair. He was only on his second marriage, and how did Leonora know about his affairs? Not that he had had any for a while.
But at least she wasn't as huffy as she had been the last time. It had been a top idea getting her to be mates with Tata and Mrs Leonard because however much Leonard annoyed her, she could no longer refuse to see him, because she would then miss out on visiting the other two.
Some days after that comment and when Leonora had gone back home, he had wandered into the kitchen to chat to Mrs Leonard.
"Has Leonora ever spoken about her private life to you?" he asked nonchalantly.
"No," answered Mrs Leonard. "Got nothing to do with me."
"Well, have you ever asked?" he persisted.
"Why would I do that? If she wanted to talk about it she would. We have plenty of other things to talk about."
Then Mrs Leonard looked at Leonard and saw the expression on his face.
"Oh dear, Leonard. You should really know better. Why did you ask her?"
"I bet the two of you talk about me," he said, and ran out of the kitchen so she couldn't get the last word in.
And that was the last conversation about Leonora's personal life. So he was still none the wiser and had left the subject alone since then.
He wondered if he should ask her about the letters. Maybe he should. He frowned and shrugged his shoulders, stubbed out his cigarette and looked up the path.
Mrs Leonard and the two little crutches were already half-way down the path, and behind her were three big strapping men. Well, they looked fairly strapping from what Leonard could see with his limited vision.
He sighed with relief. Clearly Leonora had done something right. He had visions of being carried up the cliff being borne aloft like an eastern potentate and dissolved in a fit of giggles. Mrs Leonard arrived and beamed at him, although she wondered why he was slightly hysterical.
"Poor darling Leonora is in absolute agony. She struggled up the cliff so valiantly. Why didn't you carry her up?" she asked.
Leonard's good mood evaporated. Flippin' Leonora. The selfish woman hadn't even mentioned he had twisted his ankle. What on earth had he ever seen in her?
Friday 29 August 2008
Thursday 28 August 2008
Moving on
Leonora did not want to move. She hoped this was all a bad dream and that she was going to wake up soon.
She wriggled around slightly to make herself less uncomfortable, as much as anyone can on a stony cliff path, and leaned against Leonard's solid chest. For once she was grateful that there was a lot of him and decided he was rather nice to curl up next to. She shut her eyes in an attempt to blank out the whole horrible experience.
Leonard looked down at her puzzled. The last thing he had ever expected was to have Leonora lying peacefully against him. Many years ago he would have done pretty much anything to achieve that, although preferably not on a stony path.
He had had a soft spot for Leonora for quite some time when he was younger, and could never understand why she always laughed at him and treated him like dirt. In the end he had convinced himself it was a front, and that she probably did like him after all but was too shy or embarrassed to let him know.
So he wrote a couple of letters, telling her about his feelings for her. He never got a reply to either of them. Not even a sarcastic one. She had never mentioned the letters at all to him. He wondered what she had done with them. Laughed at them and probably ripped them into tiny pieces and chucked them in the bin, he supposed. It was as though they had never existed and even Leonard had sometimes asked himself if he had really written them, or if they were just in his imagination.
He hadn't thought about the letters for ages, and probably wouldn't have done had circumstances that morning not brought the two of them so physically close together. And being a practical man, he consigned them neatly back to the past where they belonged, and brought himself quickly into the present.
Leonora still had her eyes shut and was whimpering rather like Tata did in her sleep. Leonard noticed a couple of tears on her cheek and wiped them off. Poor girl, she must be in some pain, he thought. He stroked her head, like he would with Tata, and then rested his arm gently round her.
"Come on Leonora, we can't stay here for ever," he said quietly. She ignored him. As usual.
"Leonora," he said, in his normal bossy style. "Wake up girl, we need to move."
"Don't want," she mumbled.
"Don't tell me that you have suddenly become so fond of me that you are enjoying lying here with me," he said, in an attempt to animate her spirits.
"Any fat person would do," she answered, still not attempting to move. "Anyway, I don't understand why you can't move."
"Because I've twisted my ankle too," he said.
At that, Leonora lifted her head up and looked at him.
"What, the one on the broken leg?"
"No, the other one." Leonard sighed.
And Leonora burst out laughing in spite of the pain.
"Oh, that is too funny for words," she said and laughed again.
Leonard did not think it was funny at all. He glared at her.
"Would you like me to take your boot off and have a look at your ankle?" he said, vindictively.
"Noooooooooo," wailed Leonora, no longer laughing.
"Right, so don't laugh at me. Tata and Mrs Leonard obviously haven't been able to find anyone to help, so we need to try and move," said Leonard. Although he had no idea how he was going to move with a still weak broken leg, and now a twisted ankle.
"You need to get up onto your good leg using me as a support, and then lean on the little crutches. They will take you up the path. Just take your time and go carefully." Not that you managed very well before, he thought to himself.
The little crutches murmured their agreement with the plan. They were happy to help Leonora who weighed at least five stone less than Leonard, so figured it would be pretty easy to get her safely to the top.
"Can't I just try and crawl?" said Leonora petulantly, in her typical spoilt brat fashion.
"No. Don't be ridiculous. You will probably find once the little crutches are taking most of your weight that you can put your right leg down enough to limp along," he added.
"What about you?" she asked.
"Don't worry about me. When you get to the top, give Mrs Leonard the little crutches and ask her to come down to help me.
"And if you see anyone else while you are waiting for us, ask them to come down and help. Particularly if they are big strapping men. Fourteen-year-old schoolgirls won't be much help."
"Not even big strapping ones?" she asked.
"Leonora, just get moving."
So she did as she was told, for once, although accompanied by much moaning and screwing up of her face. And as she set off on the slow hobble and limp up the path, Leonard pulled himself around to sit back against the cliff. And tried not to think about Leonora leaning against him, and the two letters from the past.
She wriggled around slightly to make herself less uncomfortable, as much as anyone can on a stony cliff path, and leaned against Leonard's solid chest. For once she was grateful that there was a lot of him and decided he was rather nice to curl up next to. She shut her eyes in an attempt to blank out the whole horrible experience.
Leonard looked down at her puzzled. The last thing he had ever expected was to have Leonora lying peacefully against him. Many years ago he would have done pretty much anything to achieve that, although preferably not on a stony path.
He had had a soft spot for Leonora for quite some time when he was younger, and could never understand why she always laughed at him and treated him like dirt. In the end he had convinced himself it was a front, and that she probably did like him after all but was too shy or embarrassed to let him know.
So he wrote a couple of letters, telling her about his feelings for her. He never got a reply to either of them. Not even a sarcastic one. She had never mentioned the letters at all to him. He wondered what she had done with them. Laughed at them and probably ripped them into tiny pieces and chucked them in the bin, he supposed. It was as though they had never existed and even Leonard had sometimes asked himself if he had really written them, or if they were just in his imagination.
He hadn't thought about the letters for ages, and probably wouldn't have done had circumstances that morning not brought the two of them so physically close together. And being a practical man, he consigned them neatly back to the past where they belonged, and brought himself quickly into the present.
Leonora still had her eyes shut and was whimpering rather like Tata did in her sleep. Leonard noticed a couple of tears on her cheek and wiped them off. Poor girl, she must be in some pain, he thought. He stroked her head, like he would with Tata, and then rested his arm gently round her.
"Come on Leonora, we can't stay here for ever," he said quietly. She ignored him. As usual.
"Leonora," he said, in his normal bossy style. "Wake up girl, we need to move."
"Don't want," she mumbled.
"Don't tell me that you have suddenly become so fond of me that you are enjoying lying here with me," he said, in an attempt to animate her spirits.
"Any fat person would do," she answered, still not attempting to move. "Anyway, I don't understand why you can't move."
"Because I've twisted my ankle too," he said.
At that, Leonora lifted her head up and looked at him.
"What, the one on the broken leg?"
"No, the other one." Leonard sighed.
And Leonora burst out laughing in spite of the pain.
"Oh, that is too funny for words," she said and laughed again.
Leonard did not think it was funny at all. He glared at her.
"Would you like me to take your boot off and have a look at your ankle?" he said, vindictively.
"Noooooooooo," wailed Leonora, no longer laughing.
"Right, so don't laugh at me. Tata and Mrs Leonard obviously haven't been able to find anyone to help, so we need to try and move," said Leonard. Although he had no idea how he was going to move with a still weak broken leg, and now a twisted ankle.
"You need to get up onto your good leg using me as a support, and then lean on the little crutches. They will take you up the path. Just take your time and go carefully." Not that you managed very well before, he thought to himself.
The little crutches murmured their agreement with the plan. They were happy to help Leonora who weighed at least five stone less than Leonard, so figured it would be pretty easy to get her safely to the top.
"Can't I just try and crawl?" said Leonora petulantly, in her typical spoilt brat fashion.
"No. Don't be ridiculous. You will probably find once the little crutches are taking most of your weight that you can put your right leg down enough to limp along," he added.
"What about you?" she asked.
"Don't worry about me. When you get to the top, give Mrs Leonard the little crutches and ask her to come down to help me.
"And if you see anyone else while you are waiting for us, ask them to come down and help. Particularly if they are big strapping men. Fourteen-year-old schoolgirls won't be much help."
"Not even big strapping ones?" she asked.
"Leonora, just get moving."
So she did as she was told, for once, although accompanied by much moaning and screwing up of her face. And as she set off on the slow hobble and limp up the path, Leonard pulled himself around to sit back against the cliff. And tried not to think about Leonora leaning against him, and the two letters from the past.
Wednesday 27 August 2008
The path
Tata gambolled ahead merrily. Leonora went down the path quite quickly but carefully.
There had been lots of rain and there were a lot of displaced stones on the path so she didn't want to fall.
Finally they arrived down at the beach.
Tata immediately started digging a huge hole to show Leonora how to do it.
She dug a very deep hole very quickly and then stood back for Leonora to admire it.
"Ruff," she barked proudly.
"That's super Tata. And you also know that I can't do anything remotely like that don't you?"
"Ruff," agreed Tata, laughing.
Tata ran around in a few crazy circles and then the two of them went for a paddle in the sea. Or at least Leonora paddled and Tata ran boisterously in the waves.
Then they decided to climb back up the cliff.
Leonard and Mrs Leonard were wandering up and down the cliff top but they had lost sight of Tata and Leonora.
As Leonora tried to follow Tata up the cliff, she slipped on a stone.
And went down awkwardly. When she tried to stand up she knew it was a bad fall.
Tata came back and barked at her. "Ruff."
"I'm sorry Tata, I'm not sure if I can get up, but I'll have a go."
Leonora tried to put the weight on her ankle and knew it was bad.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit," she said for want of anything better.
Tata furrowed her brow and realised this was serious.
"Ruff, ruff, ruff ruff," she barked helpfully and charged off up the cliff to tell Leonard and Mrs Leonard.
They were wondering why the two had not come back up the cliff path together. "Ruff," barked Tata sadly.
Leonard frowned. It was his fault. He had suggested that Leonora go digging holes in the sand in the first place.
He staggered off down the cliff path with the two little crutches. The little crutches were very smug because they had been chosen over the poles to do this important task. They were quiet and serious and helped Leonard carefully all the way down until they reached Leonora.
Leonard looked at her. Flippin' woman. Falling over on the cliff path, he thought. What on earth was she playing at?
He tried to help her up. "Lean on me."
She did. And they both fell over.
"Ruff," barked Tata, trying not to laugh, but thinking they both lacked a pair of legs.
The two of them were tumbled up in a heap. Leonora thought she was rather too close for comfort to Leonard and he had been utterly useless. Leonard thought Leonora had no concept of weight-bearing load and was deliberately trying to make him look like an arse.
Entwined, although not through choice, they glared at each other.
"Get up," they both said simultaneously to the other. And then again, to each other, "I can't."
Leonard looked at Tata. "Please go and get some help. Now.
"I really don't want to spend any longer rolling around on the ground with Leonora."
And off she bounded, up the cliff top path. Still trying not to laugh.
There had been lots of rain and there were a lot of displaced stones on the path so she didn't want to fall.
Finally they arrived down at the beach.
Tata immediately started digging a huge hole to show Leonora how to do it.
She dug a very deep hole very quickly and then stood back for Leonora to admire it.
"Ruff," she barked proudly.
"That's super Tata. And you also know that I can't do anything remotely like that don't you?"
"Ruff," agreed Tata, laughing.
Tata ran around in a few crazy circles and then the two of them went for a paddle in the sea. Or at least Leonora paddled and Tata ran boisterously in the waves.
Then they decided to climb back up the cliff.
Leonard and Mrs Leonard were wandering up and down the cliff top but they had lost sight of Tata and Leonora.
As Leonora tried to follow Tata up the cliff, she slipped on a stone.
And went down awkwardly. When she tried to stand up she knew it was a bad fall.
Tata came back and barked at her. "Ruff."
"I'm sorry Tata, I'm not sure if I can get up, but I'll have a go."
Leonora tried to put the weight on her ankle and knew it was bad.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit," she said for want of anything better.
Tata furrowed her brow and realised this was serious.
"Ruff, ruff, ruff ruff," she barked helpfully and charged off up the cliff to tell Leonard and Mrs Leonard.
They were wondering why the two had not come back up the cliff path together. "Ruff," barked Tata sadly.
Leonard frowned. It was his fault. He had suggested that Leonora go digging holes in the sand in the first place.
He staggered off down the cliff path with the two little crutches. The little crutches were very smug because they had been chosen over the poles to do this important task. They were quiet and serious and helped Leonard carefully all the way down until they reached Leonora.
Leonard looked at her. Flippin' woman. Falling over on the cliff path, he thought. What on earth was she playing at?
He tried to help her up. "Lean on me."
She did. And they both fell over.
"Ruff," barked Tata, trying not to laugh, but thinking they both lacked a pair of legs.
The two of them were tumbled up in a heap. Leonora thought she was rather too close for comfort to Leonard and he had been utterly useless. Leonard thought Leonora had no concept of weight-bearing load and was deliberately trying to make him look like an arse.
Entwined, although not through choice, they glared at each other.
"Get up," they both said simultaneously to the other. And then again, to each other, "I can't."
Leonard looked at Tata. "Please go and get some help. Now.
"I really don't want to spend any longer rolling around on the ground with Leonora."
And off she bounded, up the cliff top path. Still trying not to laugh.
Tuesday 26 August 2008
The cliff top cache
The walk to the first cache was along the cliff tops with spectacular views.
Tata ran ahead excitedly thinking about digging holes in the sand, although still puzzled as to why Leonora would want to do this. She had never done it before when she had visited the Smith household, but perhaps she had learnt recently.
The two little crutches were in good spirits. Leonard was walking much more easily and not putting so much of his weight on them. In fact he had even lost a couple of pounds although it was hardly noticeable. After all, two pounds from 14 stone 10lbs was hardly a dramatic loss. They chattered quietly away as they limped along with Leonard.
Both Leonard and Mrs Leonard were in good humour too. They were relieved that Leonora's temper tantrum seemed to have passed over and all bode well for the day out.
The two walking poles did not say much to each other. They were conscious of their critical role in the geocaching expeditions and were concentrating on the task ahead. After all, if it was not for them, who else would thrash back brambles and nettles, and poke inside places for caches where there may be snakes?
Leonora brought up the rear of the group. She was deeply disturbed that she had thought of a fine idea to avenge herself on Leonard, only to be unable to carry it out.
She was scouring the ground around her looking for fortuitously-placed sharp objects, capable of making a deep incision in Leonard's super new tyres. But there were none.
Leonard turned round and wondered what on earth she was doing.
"Leonora. Why are you looking at the ground? You look as though you are searching for something. Did you lose something here in a previous life?" Laughing, but not in a nasty way.
She looked up embarrassed. "I don't know what I was doing to be honest. Don't even know what I was thinking." Pleading temporary insanity seemed to be the easiest way to answer the question and was hardly likely to surprise Leonard.
"Did you say you were going to show me how to use the GPS?" she asked, deciding to change the subject radically.
The noisy little crutches shut up suddenly. The poles stopped concentrating on caching. Mrs Leonard looked mildly surprised. Leonard's mouth fell open. Tata was too far ahead to hear or no doubt she would have ground to a sudden halt.
"Well?" she asked.
"Of course, if you want," he replied. And they all set off again with Leonora feigning her new fascination for the GPS and the silly geocaching, while thinking about her evil plans for savaging the Land Rover.
It had to be said, it was an excellent walk around the headland and Leonora was particularly interested in the remains of the Iron Age fort and the ancient strip-field system. The cache was easily found and Leonora squealed with delight. Leonard, who really should have known Leonora better, beamed at her.
"You see, it is fun isn't it, once you get the hang of it?" he said, genuinely pleased that she was enjoying herself. Silly Leonard, thought Leonora.
Tata posed as usual for her photo.
Then she ran over to Leonora.
"Ruff," she ordered.
"Oh Tata, the truth is, I am not sure if I am up to digging holes in the sand with my hands.
"You see, I don't have such fine paws as you for digging holes," said Leonora sadly.
Tata gazed at her beautiful paws in admiration and looked at Leonora's useless hands. She had a point. But she had also made a deal. Or rather Leonard had, on her behalf.
"Ruff, ruff," she barked sternly. Worrying that she was not going to get her run on the beach.
"How about if I come down the beach with you and watch you dig the holes, and learn how to do it for in future?"
"Ruff," she barked mollified.
Leonora turned to Leonard. "And how about you come dig some holes too? Seeing as you dropped me in it for this one."
"Can't get down the cliff path with the little crutches. But we'll all watch you. Don't forget to run round in crazy circles as well. I might even get some good photos."
So off Leonora and Tata went down the steep cliff path to the beach. All seemed to be well.
Tata ran ahead excitedly thinking about digging holes in the sand, although still puzzled as to why Leonora would want to do this. She had never done it before when she had visited the Smith household, but perhaps she had learnt recently.
The two little crutches were in good spirits. Leonard was walking much more easily and not putting so much of his weight on them. In fact he had even lost a couple of pounds although it was hardly noticeable. After all, two pounds from 14 stone 10lbs was hardly a dramatic loss. They chattered quietly away as they limped along with Leonard.
Both Leonard and Mrs Leonard were in good humour too. They were relieved that Leonora's temper tantrum seemed to have passed over and all bode well for the day out.
The two walking poles did not say much to each other. They were conscious of their critical role in the geocaching expeditions and were concentrating on the task ahead. After all, if it was not for them, who else would thrash back brambles and nettles, and poke inside places for caches where there may be snakes?
Leonora brought up the rear of the group. She was deeply disturbed that she had thought of a fine idea to avenge herself on Leonard, only to be unable to carry it out.
She was scouring the ground around her looking for fortuitously-placed sharp objects, capable of making a deep incision in Leonard's super new tyres. But there were none.
Leonard turned round and wondered what on earth she was doing.
"Leonora. Why are you looking at the ground? You look as though you are searching for something. Did you lose something here in a previous life?" Laughing, but not in a nasty way.
She looked up embarrassed. "I don't know what I was doing to be honest. Don't even know what I was thinking." Pleading temporary insanity seemed to be the easiest way to answer the question and was hardly likely to surprise Leonard.
"Did you say you were going to show me how to use the GPS?" she asked, deciding to change the subject radically.
The noisy little crutches shut up suddenly. The poles stopped concentrating on caching. Mrs Leonard looked mildly surprised. Leonard's mouth fell open. Tata was too far ahead to hear or no doubt she would have ground to a sudden halt.
"Well?" she asked.
"Of course, if you want," he replied. And they all set off again with Leonora feigning her new fascination for the GPS and the silly geocaching, while thinking about her evil plans for savaging the Land Rover.
It had to be said, it was an excellent walk around the headland and Leonora was particularly interested in the remains of the Iron Age fort and the ancient strip-field system. The cache was easily found and Leonora squealed with delight. Leonard, who really should have known Leonora better, beamed at her.
"You see, it is fun isn't it, once you get the hang of it?" he said, genuinely pleased that she was enjoying herself. Silly Leonard, thought Leonora.
Tata posed as usual for her photo.
Then she ran over to Leonora.
"Ruff," she ordered.
"Oh Tata, the truth is, I am not sure if I am up to digging holes in the sand with my hands.
"You see, I don't have such fine paws as you for digging holes," said Leonora sadly.
Tata gazed at her beautiful paws in admiration and looked at Leonora's useless hands. She had a point. But she had also made a deal. Or rather Leonard had, on her behalf.
"Ruff, ruff," she barked sternly. Worrying that she was not going to get her run on the beach.
"How about if I come down the beach with you and watch you dig the holes, and learn how to do it for in future?"
"Ruff," she barked mollified.
Leonora turned to Leonard. "And how about you come dig some holes too? Seeing as you dropped me in it for this one."
"Can't get down the cliff path with the little crutches. But we'll all watch you. Don't forget to run round in crazy circles as well. I might even get some good photos."
So off Leonora and Tata went down the steep cliff path to the beach. All seemed to be well.
Saturday 23 August 2008
Weekend
Well, it is the weekend again so time for a break from boring old Leonard, wicked Leonora, dutiful Mrs Leonard, the overtalkative crutches, the snooty poles and the gorgeous Tata.
As some of you know we are celebrating our wedding anniversary (although we still have no idea why we ever got married) so will be back on Monday or Tuesday. When hopefully Leonora will have found something she can use to puncture Leonard's tyres.
As some of you know we are celebrating our wedding anniversary (although we still have no idea why we ever got married) so will be back on Monday or Tuesday. When hopefully Leonora will have found something she can use to puncture Leonard's tyres.
Friday 22 August 2008
Leonora plans her revenge
The trouble was Leonora couldn't immediately think of anything suitably nasty for her revenge.
She disappointedly gazed out of the window searching for inspiration.
But the scenery was far too soft and pretty to inspire her with any wickedness.
It had definitely been a mistake to come back. Why had she let Leonard manipulate her? He had planned the whole thing to laugh at her and make her uncomfortable. She hated him.
Leonard, being a good driver, regularly checked his mirror. Although it had to be said he was also interested in catching Leonora's eye. She resolutely avoided his glance, but curiosity got the better of her and she peeked in the mirror once - only to be met with one of Leonard's best winning smiles. She quickly looked away again.
Tata still had her head on Leonora's shoulder. She was whimpering away to herself thinking of the fun they would have digging holes in the sand together and running in the streams and rivers. She didn't know whether Leonora would be any good at either of these activities but she was quite happy to teach her.
Really Leonora couldn't go wrong. She had offers coming out of her ears to learn about geocaching, digging holes in the sand, and running around in freezing cold water. It was a shame she didn't want to do any of those things.
Leonard pulled up at the first parking space. He decided to take the two little crutches who had been chattering away quietly in the back of the Land Rover. They had tried to talk to the walking poles, but the poles were rather snooty and had no intention of socialising with a couple of temporary little crutches. The poles were permanent members of the household and expert cachers. Mrs Leonard took the poles so they could safely look for the hidden treasure.
Leonora sulkily got out and made a big fuss of Tata so that she could avoid speaking to Leonard. No such luck.
"So you've decided not to stay in the Land Rover then Leonora?" he said cheerfully. "I'm so glad you've decided to come with us."
"There's not much point me sitting there on my own with nothing to do is there?" she replied churlishly. If only I had brought a book, she thought. I could have sat there quite sulkily for ages making my point.
"In fact, if I had known you were going caching, I could have brought a book. Or not come at all."
"Aw Leonora, come on, don't keep sulking at me. It's not the end of the world, and you know you'll enjoy the walk."
Why was he always so reasonable and accommodating when she was bad-tempered? It really wasn't fair. She so wanted to argue with him and he wouldn't play.
"Do you want to take the GPS?" he added, rubbing it in.
"No."
"What about the map then? You can pretend we are just doing an ordinary walk," he said laughing.
She hesitated. And as she hesitated, she noticed Leonard's brand new tyres. That was it. She needed to find something suitably sharp to give him a puncture. That would serve him right. Hit him in his pocket where it would really hurt. She smiled to herself. But where on earth was she going to find something in the countryside? Such a good idea but nothing to achieve it with. If only she had a Stanley knife with her.
"Yeah, OK, I'll take the map," she said, with half a smile. Best to pretend she was over her sulking and disarm Leonard. And after all, revenge was a dish best eaten cold.
Leonard breathed a sigh of relief. Thank goodness the silly woman wasn't going to continue acting like the spoilt brat of the year and ruin the day for everyone else.
She disappointedly gazed out of the window searching for inspiration.
But the scenery was far too soft and pretty to inspire her with any wickedness.
It had definitely been a mistake to come back. Why had she let Leonard manipulate her? He had planned the whole thing to laugh at her and make her uncomfortable. She hated him.
Leonard, being a good driver, regularly checked his mirror. Although it had to be said he was also interested in catching Leonora's eye. She resolutely avoided his glance, but curiosity got the better of her and she peeked in the mirror once - only to be met with one of Leonard's best winning smiles. She quickly looked away again.
Tata still had her head on Leonora's shoulder. She was whimpering away to herself thinking of the fun they would have digging holes in the sand together and running in the streams and rivers. She didn't know whether Leonora would be any good at either of these activities but she was quite happy to teach her.
Really Leonora couldn't go wrong. She had offers coming out of her ears to learn about geocaching, digging holes in the sand, and running around in freezing cold water. It was a shame she didn't want to do any of those things.
Leonard pulled up at the first parking space. He decided to take the two little crutches who had been chattering away quietly in the back of the Land Rover. They had tried to talk to the walking poles, but the poles were rather snooty and had no intention of socialising with a couple of temporary little crutches. The poles were permanent members of the household and expert cachers. Mrs Leonard took the poles so they could safely look for the hidden treasure.
Leonora sulkily got out and made a big fuss of Tata so that she could avoid speaking to Leonard. No such luck.
"So you've decided not to stay in the Land Rover then Leonora?" he said cheerfully. "I'm so glad you've decided to come with us."
"There's not much point me sitting there on my own with nothing to do is there?" she replied churlishly. If only I had brought a book, she thought. I could have sat there quite sulkily for ages making my point.
"In fact, if I had known you were going caching, I could have brought a book. Or not come at all."
"Aw Leonora, come on, don't keep sulking at me. It's not the end of the world, and you know you'll enjoy the walk."
Why was he always so reasonable and accommodating when she was bad-tempered? It really wasn't fair. She so wanted to argue with him and he wouldn't play.
"Do you want to take the GPS?" he added, rubbing it in.
"No."
"What about the map then? You can pretend we are just doing an ordinary walk," he said laughing.
She hesitated. And as she hesitated, she noticed Leonard's brand new tyres. That was it. She needed to find something suitably sharp to give him a puncture. That would serve him right. Hit him in his pocket where it would really hurt. She smiled to herself. But where on earth was she going to find something in the countryside? Such a good idea but nothing to achieve it with. If only she had a Stanley knife with her.
"Yeah, OK, I'll take the map," she said, with half a smile. Best to pretend she was over her sulking and disarm Leonard. And after all, revenge was a dish best eaten cold.
Leonard breathed a sigh of relief. Thank goodness the silly woman wasn't going to continue acting like the spoilt brat of the year and ruin the day for everyone else.
Thursday 21 August 2008
The maps
After breakfast, everyone got their walking boots, apart from Tata of course, who didn't have any.
Leonard was undecided whether to take one little crutch or two, or whether to risk just taking walking poles. In the end he thought it would be nice for a couple of little crutches to go for a walk, so he took two out of the cupboard. Then they all piled into Tata's Land Rover, Tata, Mrs Leonard, Leonora, the two little crutches, and a couple of poles as well, as they were useful for beating around the bushes looking for caches. Oh, and Leonard clambered in too, of course.
They left the village behind and soon were in the beautiful countryside. Leonard's finger hovered over the CD player.
"Ruff," warned Tata, fearing the inevitable onslaught on her delicate eardrums of the ghastly Basement Jaxx or Armada Groove.
Leonard wisely decided against it. Leonora also loathed his choice of music, and his strategy for the day was to be helpful, friendly, thoughtful, and considerate because that would really annoy Leonora. She would have to try to be nice back and she would find that incredibly difficult, if not impossible.
"Where are we going for our walk?" asked Leonora excitedly, anticipating a fine walk.
"I thought we would have a couple of walks. I've got a recommendation for a few short walks around the area, and I thought it would give you chance to see a few different places," he said innocently.
"Oh, that sounds a great idea," said Leonora naively, not seeing through the ploy at all.
"That's good, I'm pleased it meets with your approval," he replied. Smiling.
"Can someone pass me a map please?" she asked.
Mrs Leonard passed her the OS map.
"Can you tell me where we are going Leonard so I can look it up on the map?" she asked. Leonora loved maps, and planning routes, so even if she hadn't got to plan this expedition she still wanted to have it clear in her head exactly where they were going.
"You might find these helpful too," said Leonard, passing the print-outs from the geocaching website. "They show the detail of the short walks."
"Thanks, that's great," she said, thinking to herself that Leonard was really trying very hard to be nice today. She felt quite warm towards him and wondered why she had ever thought he was horrid.
She opened out the first sheet of A4. And couldn't believe her eyes. Then she looked at the rest of them. Every single one was GEOCACHING. Leonard sneaked a look at her face in the driver's mirror and nearly laughed out loud. This was such fun.
"Leonard," she said in a very disbelieving voice.
"I think you have given me the wrong maps. These," and she paused, and swallowed deeply, "are geocaching maps."
"Yeah, that's right," he said nonchalantly, although at this point he was really struggling to keep the giggling out of his voice.
"Leonard. You don't seriously mean to tell me that these short walks we are going on are hunting for those stupid caches of tat treasure?"
"Yes."
"Leonard," she sighed heavily. "You know I dislike geocaching intensely and think it is a pointless waste of time. You told me we were going for a walk. Not geocaching."
"Leonora," he replied kindly, in the helpful explanatory tone of voice normally used with a spoilt five-year-old, "I did tell you we were going for a walk, and we are.
"If you did not want to go geocaching perhaps you should have said so. Or you should have asked if that was my intention. It is hardly my fault if you weren't clear about what you wanted to do or you didn't ask the right questions. Is it?
"And we all know that the main reason you don't like geocaching, is because the only time you have tried to find a cache near your home, you failed miserably. Not just once, or twice, but at least three times to my knowledge."
Leonard was well into his stride with his lecture. Mrs Leonard and Tata were both looking out of the window.
Leonard continued. "Of course, it is unfortunate that you don't wish to spend on even a second-hand GPS because that might help you locate a cache. And as you know, I am always willing to teach you when you come out with us. You might even learn something.
"If you don't wish to join us hunting for the caches, you can just enjoy the walk, or run in the river with Tata, or dig a few holes in the sand with her when we get to the beach." Leonard decided to end there.
Both Mrs Leonard and Tata looked at Leonard quizzically. Neither of them were aware that Leonora liked running in rivers or digging holes in the sand. Tata was rather impressed with the idea though and promptly dropped her head onto Leonora's shoulder with a thud and whimpered softly at her.
Leonora was speechless. It took her some time to absorb Leonard's comments.
Eventually...."Leonard, I really do not know which I detest the most. You or geocaching. But the combination of the two is just unbearable."
"Well Leonora you have two choices. Stay in the car when we go for the walks. Or get out and come with us. Up to you."
Have that Leonora. Round two, or is it round three? to me, he thought.
With a very black face, in the back of Tata's Land Rover, Leonora began to plot her revenge.
Leonard was undecided whether to take one little crutch or two, or whether to risk just taking walking poles. In the end he thought it would be nice for a couple of little crutches to go for a walk, so he took two out of the cupboard. Then they all piled into Tata's Land Rover, Tata, Mrs Leonard, Leonora, the two little crutches, and a couple of poles as well, as they were useful for beating around the bushes looking for caches. Oh, and Leonard clambered in too, of course.
They left the village behind and soon were in the beautiful countryside. Leonard's finger hovered over the CD player.
"Ruff," warned Tata, fearing the inevitable onslaught on her delicate eardrums of the ghastly Basement Jaxx or Armada Groove.
Leonard wisely decided against it. Leonora also loathed his choice of music, and his strategy for the day was to be helpful, friendly, thoughtful, and considerate because that would really annoy Leonora. She would have to try to be nice back and she would find that incredibly difficult, if not impossible.
"Where are we going for our walk?" asked Leonora excitedly, anticipating a fine walk.
"I thought we would have a couple of walks. I've got a recommendation for a few short walks around the area, and I thought it would give you chance to see a few different places," he said innocently.
"Oh, that sounds a great idea," said Leonora naively, not seeing through the ploy at all.
"That's good, I'm pleased it meets with your approval," he replied. Smiling.
"Can someone pass me a map please?" she asked.
Mrs Leonard passed her the OS map.
"Can you tell me where we are going Leonard so I can look it up on the map?" she asked. Leonora loved maps, and planning routes, so even if she hadn't got to plan this expedition she still wanted to have it clear in her head exactly where they were going.
"You might find these helpful too," said Leonard, passing the print-outs from the geocaching website. "They show the detail of the short walks."
"Thanks, that's great," she said, thinking to herself that Leonard was really trying very hard to be nice today. She felt quite warm towards him and wondered why she had ever thought he was horrid.
She opened out the first sheet of A4. And couldn't believe her eyes. Then she looked at the rest of them. Every single one was GEOCACHING. Leonard sneaked a look at her face in the driver's mirror and nearly laughed out loud. This was such fun.
"Leonard," she said in a very disbelieving voice.
"I think you have given me the wrong maps. These," and she paused, and swallowed deeply, "are geocaching maps."
"Yeah, that's right," he said nonchalantly, although at this point he was really struggling to keep the giggling out of his voice.
"Leonard. You don't seriously mean to tell me that these short walks we are going on are hunting for those stupid caches of tat treasure?"
"Yes."
"Leonard," she sighed heavily. "You know I dislike geocaching intensely and think it is a pointless waste of time. You told me we were going for a walk. Not geocaching."
"Leonora," he replied kindly, in the helpful explanatory tone of voice normally used with a spoilt five-year-old, "I did tell you we were going for a walk, and we are.
"If you did not want to go geocaching perhaps you should have said so. Or you should have asked if that was my intention. It is hardly my fault if you weren't clear about what you wanted to do or you didn't ask the right questions. Is it?
"And we all know that the main reason you don't like geocaching, is because the only time you have tried to find a cache near your home, you failed miserably. Not just once, or twice, but at least three times to my knowledge."
Leonard was well into his stride with his lecture. Mrs Leonard and Tata were both looking out of the window.
Leonard continued. "Of course, it is unfortunate that you don't wish to spend on even a second-hand GPS because that might help you locate a cache. And as you know, I am always willing to teach you when you come out with us. You might even learn something.
"If you don't wish to join us hunting for the caches, you can just enjoy the walk, or run in the river with Tata, or dig a few holes in the sand with her when we get to the beach." Leonard decided to end there.
Both Mrs Leonard and Tata looked at Leonard quizzically. Neither of them were aware that Leonora liked running in rivers or digging holes in the sand. Tata was rather impressed with the idea though and promptly dropped her head onto Leonora's shoulder with a thud and whimpered softly at her.
Leonora was speechless. It took her some time to absorb Leonard's comments.
Eventually...."Leonard, I really do not know which I detest the most. You or geocaching. But the combination of the two is just unbearable."
"Well Leonora you have two choices. Stay in the car when we go for the walks. Or get out and come with us. Up to you."
Have that Leonora. Round two, or is it round three? to me, he thought.
With a very black face, in the back of Tata's Land Rover, Leonora began to plot her revenge.
Wednesday 20 August 2008
Leonora's return
Leonard and Tata decided to wander outside and form a reception committee for the return of Leonora.
To be more accurate, Tata wandered elegantly outside, and Leonard, with the help of a little crutch, limped outside, dragging a chair with him.
He made sure to take a packet of cigarettes so that he could be smoking when Leonora arrived. That would be guaranteed to put her in a bad mood.
Tata, on the other hand, was not very pleased with that.
"Ruff," she barked in annoyance.
"Aw, Tata, come on. We're outside, and you can hardly smell the smoke. It just drifts off into the air," said Leonard.
Tata gave him a look of disgust and went to investigate some nice smells in the garden - a long way from Leonard and his horrible cigarettes. She was pleased that Mrs Leonard did not allow smoking inside the house. Tata did not consider passive smoking to be good for either her health or her appearance.
Leonard sighed and wondered whether Leonora would arrive before he had finished his cigarette, or whether he would need to start a second. It was a difficult one and he reckoned it was pretty borderline.
Meanwhile, Leonora had finally done a three-point turn in about ten manoeuvres. Even she sometimes thought it would be nice to have a vehicle with power steering, as she hauled round the two and a half tons of ancient Land Rover with its amazing turning circle of 47ft.
She was wondering if she had made the wrong decision. She figured she had. She should have stuck to her guns and just kept on heading home. The trouble with Leonard was that he was so persistent, he always ended up wearing her down and getting his own way. But she couldn't wriggle out of it now or she would look even more stupid than she already did.
Leonora consoled herself on the return journey with the thought of a nice long walk and the promise of the fine vegetarian lunch out. She hoped Leonard would still be suitably contrite and well-behaved enough not to mention that boring geocaching rubbish. That would be the last thing she could cope with. Hunting around for hidden treasure that turned out to be tacky little objects in silly jars or tins. Leonora seriously thought Leonard had started to lose it when he first told her about his new hobby. Even worse, he had insisted she go along to convince her how exciting it was. She had not been remotely convinced.
She breathed deeply and pulled onto the drive. Leonard limped a few steps towards her and gesticulated to where she should park. Leonora was not impressed with being dictated to by a parking attendant. She was quite capable of working out where to park by herself. And why was he smoking anyway when he knew she was coming back? She scowled without even realising it. Leonard noticed the scowl and thought - first point to me.
He limped - in a very pronounced manner, much to the discomfort of the little crutch - over to the Series. As Leonora reached her long legs down to the ground from the driver's seat, he stood there patiently waiting for the kissy-kissy routine. And waving his cigarette in Leonora's face.
"Leonard. Why are you waving that cigarette in my face?"
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't even realise I was still smoking it," he said apologetically, still waiting for his kissy-kissy. "Morning. Pleased you are back though."
Leonora groped inside the Land Rover, took out her bag and stormed past him. The expected kissy-kissy didn't happen. Leonard rolled his eyes, stubbed out the cigarette - fortunately he had only needed one to achieve the desired effect - and limped after her. Second point to me.
Tata ran across the garden to greet Leonora.
"Aruff ruff ruff," she barked happily.
"I'm so sorry that I left, Tata, without going for a walk with you, but I'm back now, so we can all go out together."
"Ruff," barked Tata, twirled around, and glued herself to Leonora's side as the two went inside.
"What do you think?" said Leonard, who was so pleased that he was even talking to the little crutch.
The little crutch thought Leonard was being particularly nasty to Leonora but didn't like to say so.
"Oh, it's good she's back," it said, non-committally.
"My thoughts exactly," said Leonard, smirking again.
Mrs Leonard came to greet Leonora.
"Hello Leonora. It's good that you could come back after all, we were so looking forward to spending a few days with you," she said.
"I'm sorry for putting you out, I just forgot that I had made other arrangements for today," said Leonora, lying merrily.
"Don't worry about it. I've done some fruit salad for breakfast, but I thought I'd wait for you to return before I prepared the rest. Put your stuff back in the bedroom and come and chat to me in the kitchen and tell me what else you want to eat," replied Mrs Leonard.
Tata and Leonora went off to her bedroom. Mrs Leonard disappeared into the kitchen as usual.
Leonard limped into the house and immediately went over to the computer to print off some geocaching maps and directions and download the waypoints to his GPS. He even decided to print off a bit of info about some vegetarian restaurants to pretend to keep up to his promise. Fortunately there weren't very many and they weren't remotely near to the planned caches.
To be more accurate, Tata wandered elegantly outside, and Leonard, with the help of a little crutch, limped outside, dragging a chair with him.
He made sure to take a packet of cigarettes so that he could be smoking when Leonora arrived. That would be guaranteed to put her in a bad mood.
Tata, on the other hand, was not very pleased with that.
"Ruff," she barked in annoyance.
"Aw, Tata, come on. We're outside, and you can hardly smell the smoke. It just drifts off into the air," said Leonard.
Tata gave him a look of disgust and went to investigate some nice smells in the garden - a long way from Leonard and his horrible cigarettes. She was pleased that Mrs Leonard did not allow smoking inside the house. Tata did not consider passive smoking to be good for either her health or her appearance.
Leonard sighed and wondered whether Leonora would arrive before he had finished his cigarette, or whether he would need to start a second. It was a difficult one and he reckoned it was pretty borderline.
Meanwhile, Leonora had finally done a three-point turn in about ten manoeuvres. Even she sometimes thought it would be nice to have a vehicle with power steering, as she hauled round the two and a half tons of ancient Land Rover with its amazing turning circle of 47ft.
She was wondering if she had made the wrong decision. She figured she had. She should have stuck to her guns and just kept on heading home. The trouble with Leonard was that he was so persistent, he always ended up wearing her down and getting his own way. But she couldn't wriggle out of it now or she would look even more stupid than she already did.
Leonora consoled herself on the return journey with the thought of a nice long walk and the promise of the fine vegetarian lunch out. She hoped Leonard would still be suitably contrite and well-behaved enough not to mention that boring geocaching rubbish. That would be the last thing she could cope with. Hunting around for hidden treasure that turned out to be tacky little objects in silly jars or tins. Leonora seriously thought Leonard had started to lose it when he first told her about his new hobby. Even worse, he had insisted she go along to convince her how exciting it was. She had not been remotely convinced.
She breathed deeply and pulled onto the drive. Leonard limped a few steps towards her and gesticulated to where she should park. Leonora was not impressed with being dictated to by a parking attendant. She was quite capable of working out where to park by herself. And why was he smoking anyway when he knew she was coming back? She scowled without even realising it. Leonard noticed the scowl and thought - first point to me.
He limped - in a very pronounced manner, much to the discomfort of the little crutch - over to the Series. As Leonora reached her long legs down to the ground from the driver's seat, he stood there patiently waiting for the kissy-kissy routine. And waving his cigarette in Leonora's face.
"Leonard. Why are you waving that cigarette in my face?"
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't even realise I was still smoking it," he said apologetically, still waiting for his kissy-kissy. "Morning. Pleased you are back though."
Leonora groped inside the Land Rover, took out her bag and stormed past him. The expected kissy-kissy didn't happen. Leonard rolled his eyes, stubbed out the cigarette - fortunately he had only needed one to achieve the desired effect - and limped after her. Second point to me.
Tata ran across the garden to greet Leonora.
"Aruff ruff ruff," she barked happily.
"I'm so sorry that I left, Tata, without going for a walk with you, but I'm back now, so we can all go out together."
"Ruff," barked Tata, twirled around, and glued herself to Leonora's side as the two went inside.
"What do you think?" said Leonard, who was so pleased that he was even talking to the little crutch.
The little crutch thought Leonard was being particularly nasty to Leonora but didn't like to say so.
"Oh, it's good she's back," it said, non-committally.
"My thoughts exactly," said Leonard, smirking again.
Mrs Leonard came to greet Leonora.
"Hello Leonora. It's good that you could come back after all, we were so looking forward to spending a few days with you," she said.
"I'm sorry for putting you out, I just forgot that I had made other arrangements for today," said Leonora, lying merrily.
"Don't worry about it. I've done some fruit salad for breakfast, but I thought I'd wait for you to return before I prepared the rest. Put your stuff back in the bedroom and come and chat to me in the kitchen and tell me what else you want to eat," replied Mrs Leonard.
Tata and Leonora went off to her bedroom. Mrs Leonard disappeared into the kitchen as usual.
Leonard limped into the house and immediately went over to the computer to print off some geocaching maps and directions and download the waypoints to his GPS. He even decided to print off a bit of info about some vegetarian restaurants to pretend to keep up to his promise. Fortunately there weren't very many and they weren't remotely near to the planned caches.
Tuesday 19 August 2008
The 'phone call
But fate was on Leonard's side. Well, sort of.
Leonora had just slowed down, and was about to pull in to double-check that she had brought everything with her. As usual she was convinced she had left something behind.
So she heard the 'phone ring. She grabbed it quickly, thinking it must be a dire emergency so early in the morning, and flicked it open. And managed to cut it off. Now Leonora was very good at sending text messages but she was worse than useless at actually speaking on calls. Mainly because she usually forgot whether or not she was meant to press a button before she spoke.
She looked at the detail of the last call received. Leonard. She frowned. Why on earth was Leonard ringing her? Had she left something behind after all? She looked at the 'phone puzzled and decided to sit there for a few minutes in case he rang again. He didn't. Typical of Leonard, she thought, and was reaching towards the ignition when the 'phone rang again.
But it was a message. From Leonard of course. "Ring me."
Leonora was annoyed. Bossy git. She keyed in "Why?" and sent the reply feeling pleased with herself.
Then the 'phone rang again. Leonora was getting more and more irritated. Even when she had left to go home, Leonard was still getting up her nose.
In fact she was so annoyed she managed to work out how to answer the 'phone.
"Yes," she snapped.
"Morning Leonora, it's Leonard here."
"What do you want?" she said very ungraciously.
"Why have you left? I thought you were staying for a few days," he said in his most conciliatory tone.
"Oh, I'd forgotten that I already had a commitment for today, sorry about that. I left a note explaining though," she said in an off-hand but not too irritable sort-of fashion.
"I've read it. But you made a commitment to us too, and Mrs Leonard and I were so looking forward to spending a few days with you and going out for walks with Tata.
"Tata was very disappointed. As soon as you had left, she came in immediately to tell me how sad she was. She thought you were going to take her out for an early morning drive and a walk," he added, pleased with himself at his line of argument.
Leonora felt herself weakening. She knew she was being manipulated and that Leonard knew her feeble excuse was totally fictitious.
"I'll have to turn round and come back, and I'm quite a way down the road now," she said, not even convincing herself this was a good answer.
"You can't even have reached the end of town yet."
Leonora glanced at the sign in the distance marking the end of town and sighed.
"Why don't you text whoever it is and tell them you have been unavoidably delayed?" he suggested.
"I really am sorry about being out yesterday when you arrived. I'll make it up to you by taking you out for lunch at a vegetarian restaurant - whichever one you choose," he said in his best genuine and sincere voice.
"Please come back Leonora. We can all have breakfast together and then go out for a fine walk."
Leonard waited. He thought he had put up a good argument, reasoned and thoughtful. He considered mentioning the little crutches huge desire to spend more time with Leonora but thought that would definitely be overkill.
Leonora realised she was being precious and childish - Leonard always brought out the worst in her - and decided to behave like an adult. For a few minutes at least.
"OK," she said. And ended the call before she changed her mind.
Then she looked for somewhere suitable to turn the Series round to head back towards Leonard's.
Meanwhile, Leonard and Tata looked at each other and smirked.
"Ruff ruff," she barked.
"Thanks Tata, I thought it was rather well done too.
"So what do you reckon? Definitely has to be geocaching this morning if I have to suffer a vegetarian lunch, and pay for it too.
"Followed by, let's see, a long conversation about my new gun, a few of my new essential gadgets, and possibly a visit to a military display or at the very least a military museum."
Leonard smiled at Tata again, looking forward to the day's sport.
Tata flopped down to conserve her energy for the day's walk. She might get to run through rivers and dig holes in the sand. It could be a good day. She hadn't decided if she wanted to be driven in Leonora's tatty-looking vehicle though. On reflection, it didn't really suit her image.
Leonora had just slowed down, and was about to pull in to double-check that she had brought everything with her. As usual she was convinced she had left something behind.
So she heard the 'phone ring. She grabbed it quickly, thinking it must be a dire emergency so early in the morning, and flicked it open. And managed to cut it off. Now Leonora was very good at sending text messages but she was worse than useless at actually speaking on calls. Mainly because she usually forgot whether or not she was meant to press a button before she spoke.
She looked at the detail of the last call received. Leonard. She frowned. Why on earth was Leonard ringing her? Had she left something behind after all? She looked at the 'phone puzzled and decided to sit there for a few minutes in case he rang again. He didn't. Typical of Leonard, she thought, and was reaching towards the ignition when the 'phone rang again.
But it was a message. From Leonard of course. "Ring me."
Leonora was annoyed. Bossy git. She keyed in "Why?" and sent the reply feeling pleased with herself.
Then the 'phone rang again. Leonora was getting more and more irritated. Even when she had left to go home, Leonard was still getting up her nose.
In fact she was so annoyed she managed to work out how to answer the 'phone.
"Yes," she snapped.
"Morning Leonora, it's Leonard here."
"What do you want?" she said very ungraciously.
"Why have you left? I thought you were staying for a few days," he said in his most conciliatory tone.
"Oh, I'd forgotten that I already had a commitment for today, sorry about that. I left a note explaining though," she said in an off-hand but not too irritable sort-of fashion.
"I've read it. But you made a commitment to us too, and Mrs Leonard and I were so looking forward to spending a few days with you and going out for walks with Tata.
"Tata was very disappointed. As soon as you had left, she came in immediately to tell me how sad she was. She thought you were going to take her out for an early morning drive and a walk," he added, pleased with himself at his line of argument.
Leonora felt herself weakening. She knew she was being manipulated and that Leonard knew her feeble excuse was totally fictitious.
"I'll have to turn round and come back, and I'm quite a way down the road now," she said, not even convincing herself this was a good answer.
"You can't even have reached the end of town yet."
Leonora glanced at the sign in the distance marking the end of town and sighed.
"Why don't you text whoever it is and tell them you have been unavoidably delayed?" he suggested.
"I really am sorry about being out yesterday when you arrived. I'll make it up to you by taking you out for lunch at a vegetarian restaurant - whichever one you choose," he said in his best genuine and sincere voice.
"Please come back Leonora. We can all have breakfast together and then go out for a fine walk."
Leonard waited. He thought he had put up a good argument, reasoned and thoughtful. He considered mentioning the little crutches huge desire to spend more time with Leonora but thought that would definitely be overkill.
Leonora realised she was being precious and childish - Leonard always brought out the worst in her - and decided to behave like an adult. For a few minutes at least.
"OK," she said. And ended the call before she changed her mind.
Then she looked for somewhere suitable to turn the Series round to head back towards Leonard's.
Meanwhile, Leonard and Tata looked at each other and smirked.
"Ruff ruff," she barked.
"Thanks Tata, I thought it was rather well done too.
"So what do you reckon? Definitely has to be geocaching this morning if I have to suffer a vegetarian lunch, and pay for it too.
"Followed by, let's see, a long conversation about my new gun, a few of my new essential gadgets, and possibly a visit to a military display or at the very least a military museum."
Leonard smiled at Tata again, looking forward to the day's sport.
Tata flopped down to conserve her energy for the day's walk. She might get to run through rivers and dig holes in the sand. It could be a good day. She hadn't decided if she wanted to be driven in Leonora's tatty-looking vehicle though. On reflection, it didn't really suit her image.
Monday 18 August 2008
The next morning
Leonora woke up very early. The first light of the day was just starting to stream through the window.
She stretched and smiled. She had enjoyed the evening. Mrs Leonard had dished up the usual excellent food, a vegetable stir fry with a spicy rice and a fine salad.
There had been a slight disagreement between Leonora and Leonard. He had suggested adding at least some strips of beef to the stir fry, although didn't think anyone would take him seriously.
He received an icy dismissal from both women. Tata didn't care. Then he suggested some large prawns. He was particularly fond of large prawns in stir fry. After all, prawns were not meat.
Leonora put on her very best pained voice.
"Leonard, you are being difficult.
"How many times have I told you that vegetarians do not eat meat, fowl or fish?
"Anyone who does not eat meat or fowl, but eats fish is not a vegetarian, they are a pescatorian, or a food reformist, or whatever."
Leonard groaned.
"Anyway," she added. "Don't you think those large prawns with their crispy shells are rather like eating cockroaches?"
Leonard had once made the mistake of telling Leonora that he had eaten fried locusts. And that he did not like cockroaches. So she then - most unreasonably - took every opportunity to suggest he would really like fried cockroaches.
As usual, after her suggestion, Leonard felt slightly sick and went off the fried prawns.
Dinner passed without any further event, although Leonard and Leonora were rather disappointed to discover they both shared a love of fresh coriander leaves, which Mrs Leonard had thoughtfully sprinkled in both the salad and the stir fry.
Leonora went to bed shortly afterwards and Mrs Leonard and Tata soon followed, leaving Leonard to mess around on his boring internet sites and look for silly old films on television.
But when Leonora woke up she had a huge lightbulb moment.
Why was she staying for a few days? She did not get on with Leonard, they had nothing in common, and never had done.
She got out of bed, dressed quickly, left a note for Mrs Leonard thanking her for her brill hospitality but saying she had forgotten about an unavoidable arrangement she had made for that day. Then she pulled the bed covers up badly. Leonora could never make beds.
As she crept out quietly, Tata woke up and jumped up to greet her. Leonora stroked her softly and then walked out of the door.
Tata immediately ran into Leonard. She was hugely disappointed that a) Leonora was not taking her for a walk, and b) that she hadn't had a chance to go out in Leonora's Series.
She put her head on the bed to wake him up. He beamed at her.
"Arrr ruff ruff," she barked sadly.
"How do you mean Leonora's gone?" he said sleepily. "Where has she gone? She hasn't even got up yet."
And then he heard the noisy sound of the Series engine eventually starting up. He shot out of bed and nearly fell over, to see the Series disappearing out of the drive.
He looked at Tata.
"Ruff, ruff."
"OK, you told me so," he admitted.
He went into the guest bedroom to see if she had just gone for an early morning drive. No, there was nothing left. She had packed up and gone. He read the note sulkily. No mention of him. Wretched woman.
"Ruff ruff, " barked Tata brightly.
Leonard gazed at Tata in horror. Ring Leonora and ask her to come back? Not in his wildest dreams.
"Ruff," Tata added.
Well, yes, it would be good to tease her about geocaching. And his new gun. And possibly a few other things.
Tata was right. Leonora was not that bad. He decided to ring her. And tell her to stop being so silly.
Pring pring...pring pring.
Of course Leonora could hear nothing above the sound of the noisy Series engine.
She stretched and smiled. She had enjoyed the evening. Mrs Leonard had dished up the usual excellent food, a vegetable stir fry with a spicy rice and a fine salad.
There had been a slight disagreement between Leonora and Leonard. He had suggested adding at least some strips of beef to the stir fry, although didn't think anyone would take him seriously.
He received an icy dismissal from both women. Tata didn't care. Then he suggested some large prawns. He was particularly fond of large prawns in stir fry. After all, prawns were not meat.
Leonora put on her very best pained voice.
"Leonard, you are being difficult.
"How many times have I told you that vegetarians do not eat meat, fowl or fish?
"Anyone who does not eat meat or fowl, but eats fish is not a vegetarian, they are a pescatorian, or a food reformist, or whatever."
Leonard groaned.
"Anyway," she added. "Don't you think those large prawns with their crispy shells are rather like eating cockroaches?"
Leonard had once made the mistake of telling Leonora that he had eaten fried locusts. And that he did not like cockroaches. So she then - most unreasonably - took every opportunity to suggest he would really like fried cockroaches.
As usual, after her suggestion, Leonard felt slightly sick and went off the fried prawns.
Dinner passed without any further event, although Leonard and Leonora were rather disappointed to discover they both shared a love of fresh coriander leaves, which Mrs Leonard had thoughtfully sprinkled in both the salad and the stir fry.
Leonora went to bed shortly afterwards and Mrs Leonard and Tata soon followed, leaving Leonard to mess around on his boring internet sites and look for silly old films on television.
But when Leonora woke up she had a huge lightbulb moment.
Why was she staying for a few days? She did not get on with Leonard, they had nothing in common, and never had done.
She got out of bed, dressed quickly, left a note for Mrs Leonard thanking her for her brill hospitality but saying she had forgotten about an unavoidable arrangement she had made for that day. Then she pulled the bed covers up badly. Leonora could never make beds.
As she crept out quietly, Tata woke up and jumped up to greet her. Leonora stroked her softly and then walked out of the door.
Tata immediately ran into Leonard. She was hugely disappointed that a) Leonora was not taking her for a walk, and b) that she hadn't had a chance to go out in Leonora's Series.
She put her head on the bed to wake him up. He beamed at her.
"Arrr ruff ruff," she barked sadly.
"How do you mean Leonora's gone?" he said sleepily. "Where has she gone? She hasn't even got up yet."
And then he heard the noisy sound of the Series engine eventually starting up. He shot out of bed and nearly fell over, to see the Series disappearing out of the drive.
He looked at Tata.
"Ruff, ruff."
"OK, you told me so," he admitted.
He went into the guest bedroom to see if she had just gone for an early morning drive. No, there was nothing left. She had packed up and gone. He read the note sulkily. No mention of him. Wretched woman.
"Ruff ruff, " barked Tata brightly.
Leonard gazed at Tata in horror. Ring Leonora and ask her to come back? Not in his wildest dreams.
"Ruff," Tata added.
Well, yes, it would be good to tease her about geocaching. And his new gun. And possibly a few other things.
Tata was right. Leonora was not that bad. He decided to ring her. And tell her to stop being so silly.
Pring pring...pring pring.
Of course Leonora could hear nothing above the sound of the noisy Series engine.
Saturday 16 August 2008
Friday 15 August 2008
Leonora
Leonora walked over to him to do the kissy-kissy routine.
Leonard did not like the kissy-kissy routine, well not with Leonora anyway, and wondered if she did it on purpose to annoy him. As with everything else.
He waited, wondering whether the first dig would be about his weight or his smoking.
"Oh, Leonard, darling," she gushed. "You look even fatter than ever. I suppose you are still smoking too."
Get right in Leonora, he thought. Two digs at once, very good, girl. That gave him an idea.
"We can't all be as skinny as you. Girl," he said pointedly, knowing how much she hated the use of the word girl instead of woman. Although Leonard had no understanding of her wretched feminist ideas, he had heard enough lectures on the subject to know what were the wrong things to say.
Predictable as ever, she rose to the bait.
"Leonard," she said, in a long-suffering, patronising tone, "I thought I had told you more than once that a woman of forty-something is most definitely not a girl. And that you are merely infantilising women by using such unacceptable words."
Leonard smirked, and Leonora realised she had bitten. He was determined to get back at the fat/smoking snipes.
"Anyway, if you will excuse me, I need to go and clean my gun after my successful day's shooting," he said.
Leonard was proud of himself. That was a good one. Right on target, so to speak.
A horrid hush descended on the room. Tata and the little crutch waited expectantly. Mrs Leonard cleared off into the kitchen to check on the food.
Leonard realised it hadn't been quite such a smart comment after all. And waited for the outburst.
Leonora bent down and flicked something off her boot.
And eventually said: "Really, Leonard. You just never change." Then she walked off to join Mrs Leonard in the kitchen. Tata promptly followed her.
Leonard stood there with his mouth open and then decided the best thing to do was definitely go and clean his gun.
Meanwhile the two women and Tata were nattering away happily in the kitchen again about Women's Things and Life In General. Leonard spent a long time cleaning and polishing his gun, spent five minutes wondering why on earth Leonora was so argumentative and the rest of the time dreaming about his very expensive new AirRanger gun that he had ordered. He briefly considered whether or not to mention it when he went back inside, but thought it could wait for later.
Feeling somewhat chilled, and actually pleased that he had not had a confrontation with Leonora, he wandered back into the house after an hour or so.
He was met with black looks from Leonora. Oh no. Now what? he thought.
"So. You knew I was arriving and you decided to go out shooting," she said in a very annoyed tone of voice.
He should have realised she would not have let it go so easily. Clearly all the time he had spent chilling out and cleaning his gun, she had been brooding over his absence and getting more and more annoyed.
Leonard decided to be logical.
"Actually I had no idea when you were arriving apart from "soon". You can't seriously expect me to sit around for days on end waiting for you to arrive - sometime when you choose."
He was pleased with that. A good argument he thought. He also noticed the usual suspects were listening. The little crutch seemed to be far too alert and Tata, although curled up at Leonora's feet, had also perked up.
"Perhaps you could have rung to check before you went out," she said, frostily.
"You are usually out," he countered.
"I have a mobile," she came back.
"Aw Leonora, you know what I am like for numbers and stuff."
Big mistake.
"Yes. Well-enough organised when you want to be. The man with a million gadgets can't manage to key in my mobile number to any of his 'phones?"
At which point Leonard seriously wished he had reversed back out of the drive and gone back to the woods. He looked at the little crutch and Tata and they were both waiting for his next move. He sighed.
"You're staying for dinner then?" he said brightly.
"Actually Leonard, I'm staying for a few days. Mrs Leonard said it would be really nice if I spent a bit of time with you while you are on leave. So I accepted her generous offer. After all, we don't see much of each other," she said, equally brightly.
Round One to Leonora. Even Leonard had to admit that was a bullseye. He made a mental note to plan as many geocaching trips as possible over the next few days. Leonora hated geocaching.
Leonard did not like the kissy-kissy routine, well not with Leonora anyway, and wondered if she did it on purpose to annoy him. As with everything else.
He waited, wondering whether the first dig would be about his weight or his smoking.
"Oh, Leonard, darling," she gushed. "You look even fatter than ever. I suppose you are still smoking too."
Get right in Leonora, he thought. Two digs at once, very good, girl. That gave him an idea.
"We can't all be as skinny as you. Girl," he said pointedly, knowing how much she hated the use of the word girl instead of woman. Although Leonard had no understanding of her wretched feminist ideas, he had heard enough lectures on the subject to know what were the wrong things to say.
Predictable as ever, she rose to the bait.
"Leonard," she said, in a long-suffering, patronising tone, "I thought I had told you more than once that a woman of forty-something is most definitely not a girl. And that you are merely infantilising women by using such unacceptable words."
Leonard smirked, and Leonora realised she had bitten. He was determined to get back at the fat/smoking snipes.
"Anyway, if you will excuse me, I need to go and clean my gun after my successful day's shooting," he said.
Leonard was proud of himself. That was a good one. Right on target, so to speak.
A horrid hush descended on the room. Tata and the little crutch waited expectantly. Mrs Leonard cleared off into the kitchen to check on the food.
Leonard realised it hadn't been quite such a smart comment after all. And waited for the outburst.
Leonora bent down and flicked something off her boot.
And eventually said: "Really, Leonard. You just never change." Then she walked off to join Mrs Leonard in the kitchen. Tata promptly followed her.
Leonard stood there with his mouth open and then decided the best thing to do was definitely go and clean his gun.
Meanwhile the two women and Tata were nattering away happily in the kitchen again about Women's Things and Life In General. Leonard spent a long time cleaning and polishing his gun, spent five minutes wondering why on earth Leonora was so argumentative and the rest of the time dreaming about his very expensive new AirRanger gun that he had ordered. He briefly considered whether or not to mention it when he went back inside, but thought it could wait for later.
Feeling somewhat chilled, and actually pleased that he had not had a confrontation with Leonora, he wandered back into the house after an hour or so.
He was met with black looks from Leonora. Oh no. Now what? he thought.
"So. You knew I was arriving and you decided to go out shooting," she said in a very annoyed tone of voice.
He should have realised she would not have let it go so easily. Clearly all the time he had spent chilling out and cleaning his gun, she had been brooding over his absence and getting more and more annoyed.
Leonard decided to be logical.
"Actually I had no idea when you were arriving apart from "soon". You can't seriously expect me to sit around for days on end waiting for you to arrive - sometime when you choose."
He was pleased with that. A good argument he thought. He also noticed the usual suspects were listening. The little crutch seemed to be far too alert and Tata, although curled up at Leonora's feet, had also perked up.
"Perhaps you could have rung to check before you went out," she said, frostily.
"You are usually out," he countered.
"I have a mobile," she came back.
"Aw Leonora, you know what I am like for numbers and stuff."
Big mistake.
"Yes. Well-enough organised when you want to be. The man with a million gadgets can't manage to key in my mobile number to any of his 'phones?"
At which point Leonard seriously wished he had reversed back out of the drive and gone back to the woods. He looked at the little crutch and Tata and they were both waiting for his next move. He sighed.
"You're staying for dinner then?" he said brightly.
"Actually Leonard, I'm staying for a few days. Mrs Leonard said it would be really nice if I spent a bit of time with you while you are on leave. So I accepted her generous offer. After all, we don't see much of each other," she said, equally brightly.
Round One to Leonora. Even Leonard had to admit that was a bullseye. He made a mental note to plan as many geocaching trips as possible over the next few days. Leonora hated geocaching.
Thursday 14 August 2008
A day out
Leonard woke up bright and early but with a strange feeling that something was wrong.
He looked around the bedroom puzzled and his eyes fell on the little crutch, sleeping peacefully against the wall. Of course. Leonard scowled as he remembered the previous night.
But there was something else that wasn't right too. He scowled even more when he remembered that Leonora was due to arrive "soon". Whenever soon was.
Well, he wasn't going to sit around waiting for her to arrive when it suited her. He was going out for the day and that was that.
He swung himself out of bed with difficulty, and woke up the little crutch abruptly as revenge for last's night sniggering.
As he was making such a noise staggering around the bedroom, Mrs Leonard stirred, and then asked him if he had any plans for the day.
"Yes," he said triumphantly. "I'm going out shooting with the club."
"What if Leonora turns up?" she asked.
"Don't care," he answered childishly. "As you and Tata seem so fond of her I am sure you will all have a fine time together."
And he hobbled off out of the bedroom.
After breakfast he went out to the garage and put all his gear in Tata's Land Rover. Then he went inside again to say goodbye to his girls.
Tata was not pleased. She pouted and sulked at him and wanted to know why he was going out in her Land Rover while she was staying at home.
"Mrs Leonard will take you down the beach, and you can have a crazy time digging holes and running around in circles," he said nicely.
Tata looked suspiciously at him and felt she was being fobbed off.
"Grrrrr," she snarled and stalked off to her sofa.
Leonard gave Mrs Leonard a peck on the cheek, wished her a nice day doing the housework and the cooking, and off he went.
He took a perverse pleasure in thinking that Leonora would be annoyed if she knew that he was out shooting. She hated anything to do with guns and shooting and it didn't matter how many times he explained to her that he wasn't interested in killing anything, just target shooting, she still refused to change her stance. Unreasonable woman.
It was so peaceful in the woods, there was no noise other than that of birds and buzzing insects and the occasional discharge of the air weapons. Leonard was buzzed by several dragonflies the size of small birds and the colours of them were amazing, striped tiger-like, green, and blue ones. He was surprised that they were in the woods as he thought they spent their short lives above or near water. Not that he knew much about dragonflies.
After a fine day out, Leonard was in a very good mood when he pulled onto the drive. Until he saw the tatty Series Land Rover. His heart sank. He seriously thought about reversing back out and creeping back off to the woods to spend the night there, rather than face Leonora.
But it was too late, Tata was already up at the window, having heard the sound of her Land Rover, so everyone would know he had returned.
Leonard frowned at Leonora's Series. Why the woman insisted on driving such an antiquated Land Rover when she could perfectly well afford a newer civilised model was beyond him. She never washed it, she had no serious adaptations on it, and she couldn't even park it discretely. All the street could see it. How embarrassing.
He dragged himself out of Tata's Land Rover and limped into the house waiting for Tata's loving welcome. Where was she? Nowhere. Leonard stood there disappointedly and then made his way into the front room.
And there, standing in the middle of the room, tall and slim as ever - even though she claimed to be putting on weight - was Leonora.
A glass of wine in one hand, chatting happily with Mrs Leonard, and with Tata lying adoringly at her feet.
Leonora turned towards him.
"Hello Leonard." Laughing. As always. At him.
British Dragonfly Society
He looked around the bedroom puzzled and his eyes fell on the little crutch, sleeping peacefully against the wall. Of course. Leonard scowled as he remembered the previous night.
But there was something else that wasn't right too. He scowled even more when he remembered that Leonora was due to arrive "soon". Whenever soon was.
Well, he wasn't going to sit around waiting for her to arrive when it suited her. He was going out for the day and that was that.
He swung himself out of bed with difficulty, and woke up the little crutch abruptly as revenge for last's night sniggering.
As he was making such a noise staggering around the bedroom, Mrs Leonard stirred, and then asked him if he had any plans for the day.
"Yes," he said triumphantly. "I'm going out shooting with the club."
"What if Leonora turns up?" she asked.
"Don't care," he answered childishly. "As you and Tata seem so fond of her I am sure you will all have a fine time together."
And he hobbled off out of the bedroom.
After breakfast he went out to the garage and put all his gear in Tata's Land Rover. Then he went inside again to say goodbye to his girls.
Tata was not pleased. She pouted and sulked at him and wanted to know why he was going out in her Land Rover while she was staying at home.
"Mrs Leonard will take you down the beach, and you can have a crazy time digging holes and running around in circles," he said nicely.
Tata looked suspiciously at him and felt she was being fobbed off.
"Grrrrr," she snarled and stalked off to her sofa.
Leonard gave Mrs Leonard a peck on the cheek, wished her a nice day doing the housework and the cooking, and off he went.
He took a perverse pleasure in thinking that Leonora would be annoyed if she knew that he was out shooting. She hated anything to do with guns and shooting and it didn't matter how many times he explained to her that he wasn't interested in killing anything, just target shooting, she still refused to change her stance. Unreasonable woman.
It was so peaceful in the woods, there was no noise other than that of birds and buzzing insects and the occasional discharge of the air weapons. Leonard was buzzed by several dragonflies the size of small birds and the colours of them were amazing, striped tiger-like, green, and blue ones. He was surprised that they were in the woods as he thought they spent their short lives above or near water. Not that he knew much about dragonflies.
After a fine day out, Leonard was in a very good mood when he pulled onto the drive. Until he saw the tatty Series Land Rover. His heart sank. He seriously thought about reversing back out and creeping back off to the woods to spend the night there, rather than face Leonora.
But it was too late, Tata was already up at the window, having heard the sound of her Land Rover, so everyone would know he had returned.
Leonard frowned at Leonora's Series. Why the woman insisted on driving such an antiquated Land Rover when she could perfectly well afford a newer civilised model was beyond him. She never washed it, she had no serious adaptations on it, and she couldn't even park it discretely. All the street could see it. How embarrassing.
He dragged himself out of Tata's Land Rover and limped into the house waiting for Tata's loving welcome. Where was she? Nowhere. Leonard stood there disappointedly and then made his way into the front room.
And there, standing in the middle of the room, tall and slim as ever - even though she claimed to be putting on weight - was Leonora.
A glass of wine in one hand, chatting happily with Mrs Leonard, and with Tata lying adoringly at her feet.
Leonora turned towards him.
"Hello Leonard." Laughing. As always. At him.
British Dragonfly Society
Wednesday 13 August 2008
And so to bed
Leonard had eaten well.
Mrs Leonard had prepared pan-fried steaks of salmon, done with soy sauce and garlic. She had baked the potatoes in the oven, so the skins were just slightly crispy, and not that odd consistency produced by putting them in the microwave. And she dished up a fine salad with garlic mayo. She had even added coriander leaves to the salad. Leonard was particularly partial to coriander leaves, and he thought they went especially well with the pan-fried salmon.
The internet was boring. Leonard couldn't be arsed to watch any more tv. He decided to go to bed. His girls - Tata and Mrs Leonard - had gone long ago. The little crutch he had taken out that day was still sleeping soundly against the wall, so he decided to leave it there and hopped off to collect another one from the store.
He called into Tata's bedroom to say a soft goodnight to her. She was twitching and uttering the odd whimper and yelp in her sleep.
Probably dreaming of killing Westies, thought Leonard. Maybe drowning them in a stream. Or at the very least she was chasing cats or rabbits.
He gazed at her fondly from the doorway for a few more minutes. His life had changed so much since she had joined their household. Apart from anything else he had a good excuse to go geocaching as often as possible on the pretext that Tata needed lots of walks. And he could post her pictures all over the geocaching website.
He hobbled off to his bedroom, propped the little crutch against the wall, and climbed into bed.
Mrs Leonard was asleep and breathing quietly. He touched her gently and gave her shoulder a tiny kiss. She sighed happily.
Leonard took this as a sign of encouragement.
It was not easy having sex with a broken leg, but as with everything, Leonard took his marital obligations very seriously. Expectations had to be met, duties fulfilled, and Leonard was not one to let a broken leg get in the way.
Well, actually it did get in the way, but he started manoeuvring himself into a suitable and not too uncomfortable position.
The night was very still and quiet, apart from the noises made by Leonard clumsily clambering around the bed.
Suddenly he stopped.
What on earth was that strange noise?
Mrs Leonard did not usually make such strange sounds. While Leonard did not think he would take Gold Medal in the Sexual Olympics, he didn't think his performance was so poor as to merit a snigger.
That was it. A snigger.
Damn those little crutches! The one he had propped against the wall before climbing into bed was sniggering at him.
Leonard could just imagine the little pest gleefully telling all the other little crutches about his performance that night.
He sighed. And stopped. He really did not feel like performing in front of an audience. Especially one that would gossip nastily about it the next day.
He wondered if he should ask Mrs Leonard to get out of bed and throw the horrid crutch out of the bedroom. No, that was not a good idea.
Alternatively he could limp out of the room, chuck it on the floor, and hop back in. No, he just could not be bothered.
Leonard turned over disappointedly. And hoped he did not dream about the impending visit of the vicious Leonora.
Mrs Leonard had prepared pan-fried steaks of salmon, done with soy sauce and garlic. She had baked the potatoes in the oven, so the skins were just slightly crispy, and not that odd consistency produced by putting them in the microwave. And she dished up a fine salad with garlic mayo. She had even added coriander leaves to the salad. Leonard was particularly partial to coriander leaves, and he thought they went especially well with the pan-fried salmon.
The internet was boring. Leonard couldn't be arsed to watch any more tv. He decided to go to bed. His girls - Tata and Mrs Leonard - had gone long ago. The little crutch he had taken out that day was still sleeping soundly against the wall, so he decided to leave it there and hopped off to collect another one from the store.
He called into Tata's bedroom to say a soft goodnight to her. She was twitching and uttering the odd whimper and yelp in her sleep.
Probably dreaming of killing Westies, thought Leonard. Maybe drowning them in a stream. Or at the very least she was chasing cats or rabbits.
He gazed at her fondly from the doorway for a few more minutes. His life had changed so much since she had joined their household. Apart from anything else he had a good excuse to go geocaching as often as possible on the pretext that Tata needed lots of walks. And he could post her pictures all over the geocaching website.
He hobbled off to his bedroom, propped the little crutch against the wall, and climbed into bed.
Mrs Leonard was asleep and breathing quietly. He touched her gently and gave her shoulder a tiny kiss. She sighed happily.
Leonard took this as a sign of encouragement.
It was not easy having sex with a broken leg, but as with everything, Leonard took his marital obligations very seriously. Expectations had to be met, duties fulfilled, and Leonard was not one to let a broken leg get in the way.
Well, actually it did get in the way, but he started manoeuvring himself into a suitable and not too uncomfortable position.
The night was very still and quiet, apart from the noises made by Leonard clumsily clambering around the bed.
Suddenly he stopped.
What on earth was that strange noise?
Mrs Leonard did not usually make such strange sounds. While Leonard did not think he would take Gold Medal in the Sexual Olympics, he didn't think his performance was so poor as to merit a snigger.
That was it. A snigger.
Damn those little crutches! The one he had propped against the wall before climbing into bed was sniggering at him.
Leonard could just imagine the little pest gleefully telling all the other little crutches about his performance that night.
He sighed. And stopped. He really did not feel like performing in front of an audience. Especially one that would gossip nastily about it the next day.
He wondered if he should ask Mrs Leonard to get out of bed and throw the horrid crutch out of the bedroom. No, that was not a good idea.
Alternatively he could limp out of the room, chuck it on the floor, and hop back in. No, he just could not be bothered.
Leonard turned over disappointedly. And hoped he did not dream about the impending visit of the vicious Leonora.
Tuesday 12 August 2008
Caching
When Tata and Leonard had set off, the sun was out but there were some dark clouds lurking around. It was nice and warm though. Leonard thought his I-touch weather forecast was pretty accurate.
But as they drove off excitedly to the location of the first cache, the clouds loomed ever nearer. First there had been the disastrous magazine episode, and now it looked as if it was going to rain. Leonard shrugged. Even geocaching in the rain was better than no geocaching. And there was the lure of those FTFs.
The little crutch in the passenger seat next to him sighed. It was no fun taking all of Leonard's weight in wet weather and trying to make sure he stayed upright when all was muddy and slippery underfoot.
If it did rain, the little crutch hoped it was such a torrential downpour that it put even Leonard off.
But no. By the time they arrived at the first cache site there was a steady drizzle.
Tata got out of her Land Rover, and struck what she thought was a rather attractive pose.
"Ruff," she ordered Leonard.
"No Tata, I'm not taking your photo now. We'll take it when we find the cache, and when we get home I will upload it onto the internet."
Leonard never argued with her. She wondered what on earth was wrong, and sat quietly while he locked up her Land Rover. But she was suitably mollified by the thought that she would be published once again all over the internet. Like Leonard, Tata was exceedingly vain.
They all set off, the sad little crutch, the surprised and quiet dog, and the optimistic Leonard. In fact Leonard was not just optimistic, he was delirious with excitement at the possibility that he would bag at least one FTF, and possibly more.
The cache was easily found. Spot-on co-ordinates, and the prize of FTF. Leonard smiley happily at Tata and the little crutch. He was so pleased that he even put the little crutch in the photo. Not that Tata was happy about that and looked somewhat sulkily at the camera.
Off they went to the next cache. The path had turned into a river, but Tata loved running in the water.
Leonard was sure that was how she damaged her toes earlier in the year but he didn't dare prevent her from doing it as she always told him how much she enjoyed it. In a very autocratic manner.
A couple more caches, including another FTF, and they decided to head home, after a very successful outing - barring the magazine fiasco of course, but Leonard had now forgotten about that.
When they got home, Leonard's first job was to hose Tata down as she was covered in mud. She just stood there patiently, lifting each leg as he hosed around her, regardless of how cold the water was. Then he towelled her off and they walked towards the door.
The little crutch coughed. The little crutch was muddy too. It had not been able to run up and down streams and river beds, and no-one seemed to think it wanted showering off and rubbing down. Leonard was in such good humour that he hastily cleaned up the little crutch and dried it off. The three of them went inside to bore Mrs Leonard with the detail of the finds. The magazine, as usual, was forgotten about and left in Tata's Land Rover.
Mrs Leonard met them with a broad smile.
"Leonora rang," she said.
Leonard's good humour rapidly started to dissipate.
Leonora was Leonard's really obnoxious, pretentious cousin. Who thought that she was far better than Leonard and insisted on pointing out what was wrong with his views, and his life. He was never actually quite sure whether she really had totally opposite opinions to him or whether she just cultivated them as a ploy to annoy him.
He groaned.
"She's coming to visit," added Mrs Leonard.
Tata whooped around excitedly as she adored visitors and particularly Leonora. The tired little crutch perked up a bit at the sound of interesting news.
Leonard sat down. Heavily. As he would, being overweight.
"When?" he managed to ask, although not wanting to hear the answer.
"Oh, soon," said Mrs Leonard non-commitally. "She didn't say when as she had to put the 'phone down suddenly."
Mrs Leonard drifted off to the kitchen before she was interrogated any further.
Leonard sat disconsolately in the chair wondering how on earth he could escape Leonora flippin' Smythe when he was on leave for three weeks and couldn't even go into work. Tata followed Mrs Leonard into the kitchen to catch up on the gossip, and the little crutch snoozed against the wall after a hard day out caching.
But as they drove off excitedly to the location of the first cache, the clouds loomed ever nearer. First there had been the disastrous magazine episode, and now it looked as if it was going to rain. Leonard shrugged. Even geocaching in the rain was better than no geocaching. And there was the lure of those FTFs.
The little crutch in the passenger seat next to him sighed. It was no fun taking all of Leonard's weight in wet weather and trying to make sure he stayed upright when all was muddy and slippery underfoot.
If it did rain, the little crutch hoped it was such a torrential downpour that it put even Leonard off.
But no. By the time they arrived at the first cache site there was a steady drizzle.
Tata got out of her Land Rover, and struck what she thought was a rather attractive pose.
"Ruff," she ordered Leonard.
"No Tata, I'm not taking your photo now. We'll take it when we find the cache, and when we get home I will upload it onto the internet."
Leonard never argued with her. She wondered what on earth was wrong, and sat quietly while he locked up her Land Rover. But she was suitably mollified by the thought that she would be published once again all over the internet. Like Leonard, Tata was exceedingly vain.
They all set off, the sad little crutch, the surprised and quiet dog, and the optimistic Leonard. In fact Leonard was not just optimistic, he was delirious with excitement at the possibility that he would bag at least one FTF, and possibly more.
The cache was easily found. Spot-on co-ordinates, and the prize of FTF. Leonard smiley happily at Tata and the little crutch. He was so pleased that he even put the little crutch in the photo. Not that Tata was happy about that and looked somewhat sulkily at the camera.
Off they went to the next cache. The path had turned into a river, but Tata loved running in the water.
Leonard was sure that was how she damaged her toes earlier in the year but he didn't dare prevent her from doing it as she always told him how much she enjoyed it. In a very autocratic manner.
A couple more caches, including another FTF, and they decided to head home, after a very successful outing - barring the magazine fiasco of course, but Leonard had now forgotten about that.
When they got home, Leonard's first job was to hose Tata down as she was covered in mud. She just stood there patiently, lifting each leg as he hosed around her, regardless of how cold the water was. Then he towelled her off and they walked towards the door.
The little crutch coughed. The little crutch was muddy too. It had not been able to run up and down streams and river beds, and no-one seemed to think it wanted showering off and rubbing down. Leonard was in such good humour that he hastily cleaned up the little crutch and dried it off. The three of them went inside to bore Mrs Leonard with the detail of the finds. The magazine, as usual, was forgotten about and left in Tata's Land Rover.
Mrs Leonard met them with a broad smile.
"Leonora rang," she said.
Leonard's good humour rapidly started to dissipate.
Leonora was Leonard's really obnoxious, pretentious cousin. Who thought that she was far better than Leonard and insisted on pointing out what was wrong with his views, and his life. He was never actually quite sure whether she really had totally opposite opinions to him or whether she just cultivated them as a ploy to annoy him.
He groaned.
"She's coming to visit," added Mrs Leonard.
Tata whooped around excitedly as she adored visitors and particularly Leonora. The tired little crutch perked up a bit at the sound of interesting news.
Leonard sat down. Heavily. As he would, being overweight.
"When?" he managed to ask, although not wanting to hear the answer.
"Oh, soon," said Mrs Leonard non-commitally. "She didn't say when as she had to put the 'phone down suddenly."
Mrs Leonard drifted off to the kitchen before she was interrogated any further.
Leonard sat disconsolately in the chair wondering how on earth he could escape Leonora flippin' Smythe when he was on leave for three weeks and couldn't even go into work. Tata followed Mrs Leonard into the kitchen to catch up on the gossip, and the little crutch snoozed against the wall after a hard day out caching.
Monday 11 August 2008
Back in the store cupboard
The little crutches had recovered their spirits.
They told themselves it was not terribly messy in the cupboard and Leonard had no good reason to be cross with them.
When he came back they could sprawl all over the cupboard and he would not notice the slight mess.
Or they could all stand up neatly in a line, and he would be so impressed at their orderly behaviour that he would not notice the really very small amount of disruption in the cupboard.
So with that happily sorted they started laughing and chattering again.
"I wonder if the other little crutch is having a nice time geocaching?"
"He took me out the other day looking for those silly caches. A grown man of nearly 50 goes grubbing around in the undergrowth looking for little tins containing rubbish."
"He took me out at work for a long walk the other day and then moaned about having sore hands. People wondered why he had been walking on his hands."
"It doesn't matter what he does he is always moaning."
"And have you seen how much he eats? No wonder we have a hard life, expected to bear all that weight."
"He's on holiday now. Our life is going to be a nightmare. Can you imagine him trying to put up a tent and expecting us to make sure he doesn't fall over?"
And there was much more of the same.
Then they heard a car draw up.
They stopped chattering and neatly got into line.
The front door opened, and the little crutches breathed a sigh of relief.
It was not Leonard at all. It was Mrs Leonard who had been out shopping.
Mrs Leonard went straight through to Her Kitchen with the bags of shopping, and she unloaded Her Food. As she spent so much time in there, she considered both the kitchen and all the contents therein to be Hers. She began to prepare dinner so that there would be something ready for Leonard when he came in from his hard afternoon out geocaching.
The little crutches liked Mrs Leonard. They felt some solidarity with her and considered she had a hard life running around looking after Leonard and catering for his every whim. And she went to work too.
Oddly enough Mrs Leonard didn't talk to them, but they didn't mind that. At least she didn't get bad-tempered or moan all the time. They sort of lived parallel lives in the same house without really meeting up.
Mrs Leonard did talk to Tata though. They had long conversations in Mrs Leonard's Kitchen. And although Tata was nominally Top Dog in the house, she always did what Mrs Leonard suggested, so the two had a good working relationship. Neither of them ever did what Leonard said.
Delicious smells started to drift out from the kitchen, and the little crutches decided it was time for a nap after their busy day.
They told themselves it was not terribly messy in the cupboard and Leonard had no good reason to be cross with them.
When he came back they could sprawl all over the cupboard and he would not notice the slight mess.
Or they could all stand up neatly in a line, and he would be so impressed at their orderly behaviour that he would not notice the really very small amount of disruption in the cupboard.
So with that happily sorted they started laughing and chattering again.
"I wonder if the other little crutch is having a nice time geocaching?"
"He took me out the other day looking for those silly caches. A grown man of nearly 50 goes grubbing around in the undergrowth looking for little tins containing rubbish."
"He took me out at work for a long walk the other day and then moaned about having sore hands. People wondered why he had been walking on his hands."
"It doesn't matter what he does he is always moaning."
"And have you seen how much he eats? No wonder we have a hard life, expected to bear all that weight."
"He's on holiday now. Our life is going to be a nightmare. Can you imagine him trying to put up a tent and expecting us to make sure he doesn't fall over?"
And there was much more of the same.
Then they heard a car draw up.
They stopped chattering and neatly got into line.
The front door opened, and the little crutches breathed a sigh of relief.
It was not Leonard at all. It was Mrs Leonard who had been out shopping.
Mrs Leonard went straight through to Her Kitchen with the bags of shopping, and she unloaded Her Food. As she spent so much time in there, she considered both the kitchen and all the contents therein to be Hers. She began to prepare dinner so that there would be something ready for Leonard when he came in from his hard afternoon out geocaching.
The little crutches liked Mrs Leonard. They felt some solidarity with her and considered she had a hard life running around looking after Leonard and catering for his every whim. And she went to work too.
Oddly enough Mrs Leonard didn't talk to them, but they didn't mind that. At least she didn't get bad-tempered or moan all the time. They sort of lived parallel lives in the same house without really meeting up.
Mrs Leonard did talk to Tata though. They had long conversations in Mrs Leonard's Kitchen. And although Tata was nominally Top Dog in the house, she always did what Mrs Leonard suggested, so the two had a good working relationship. Neither of them ever did what Leonard said.
Delicious smells started to drift out from the kitchen, and the little crutches decided it was time for a nap after their busy day.
Saturday 9 August 2008
The magazine
Meanwhile, Tata and Leonard had set off on their expedition.
Leonard opened the back door for Tata and she leaped in with one graceful bound. Leonard stood there admiring her beauty and athleticism.
"Ruff," she barked at him, interrupting his reverie and wondering when on earth he was going to get in the Land Rover and start the engine.
"Sorry, Tata," said Leonard, and promptly opened the driver's door, threw the little crutch on the passenger seat, and climbed in very inelegantly. The exact opposite of Tata in fact.
Tata sniffed the air at the open window, and then settled down to be driven into town. Leonard reached for the CD player, trying to decide between Basement Jaxx and Armada Groove.
A stern "Ruff" came from the back. Tata hated Basement Jaxx and Armada Groove, and did not intend to listen to either of them.
"Aw Tata, come on, you know how much I like them when I'm driving."
"Grruff," she said in the tone of voice that was not to be argued with.
Leonard sadly did as he was told, and started to tantalise himself wondering which magazine he should buy.
Long ago he had done the sums about whether it was better to pay for a subscription to his favourite magazines, and get one or two free over the year, or to go to the effort of visiting the shop and reading each magazine to decide whether it was really good value and worth buying.
So he had never gone down the subscription road, and spent a few hours browsing the magazines every month. He thought he was rather subtle about this and at least he didn't go through them writing down 'phone numbers for interesting adverts. He had done in the past of course, before the days of 24hour broadband connections, but he was sure no-one had noticed him doing it.
He pulled into a parking space in the shade, got out and locked up.
"Bye Tata, I won't be long."
Tata didn't even bother lifting up her head. She knew exactly how long he would be so she curled up for a long snooze.
Leonard walked into the shop. He looked for Air Rifle Monthly. Nothing. Sadly he looked to see if Air Gunner or Airgun World or Air Gun World were in, although Air Rifle Monthly was his magazine of choice. No. Not a single air gun magazine in the shop.
Then he looked for Essential Gadgets Just For Men. Another blank. Well, he would just have to settle for Boys Toys which he wasn't too keen on, but it would do. He rubbed his eyes. No, that wasn't there either.
As a last resort he decided to buy The Geocacher's Anorak. That was always in stock because he lived in a popular area for geocaches. But not today.
It had to be a conspiracy. He had forgotten to buy a magazine twice earlier today, and now that he had deliberately come to buy one after Tata's sensible suggestion, there wasn't a single wanted magazine in the shop.
But Leonard was not one to be defeated so easily. He had come to buy a magazine and buy a magazine he would. He defiantly picked up the nearest one. Fusion Flowers. Er no, Leonard thought not, and hastily dropped it.
He resorted to his last stand-by and went to pick up a Land Rover magazine. Half the time he didn't like these. He wasn't interested in Freelanders. Series vehicles were old and uncomfortable. Although he had once vaguely aspired to a Range Rover, he had ended up buying a Discovery. Then he had changed for a Defender. He liked the rugged appearance of the Defender, good looking, tough and practical. Exactly like Leonard.
He took the magazine to the counter without even looking inside it, paid, and walked back outside to Tata and the Land Rover.
Leonard opened the back door for Tata and she leaped in with one graceful bound. Leonard stood there admiring her beauty and athleticism.
"Ruff," she barked at him, interrupting his reverie and wondering when on earth he was going to get in the Land Rover and start the engine.
"Sorry, Tata," said Leonard, and promptly opened the driver's door, threw the little crutch on the passenger seat, and climbed in very inelegantly. The exact opposite of Tata in fact.
Tata sniffed the air at the open window, and then settled down to be driven into town. Leonard reached for the CD player, trying to decide between Basement Jaxx and Armada Groove.
A stern "Ruff" came from the back. Tata hated Basement Jaxx and Armada Groove, and did not intend to listen to either of them.
"Aw Tata, come on, you know how much I like them when I'm driving."
"Grruff," she said in the tone of voice that was not to be argued with.
Leonard sadly did as he was told, and started to tantalise himself wondering which magazine he should buy.
Long ago he had done the sums about whether it was better to pay for a subscription to his favourite magazines, and get one or two free over the year, or to go to the effort of visiting the shop and reading each magazine to decide whether it was really good value and worth buying.
So he had never gone down the subscription road, and spent a few hours browsing the magazines every month. He thought he was rather subtle about this and at least he didn't go through them writing down 'phone numbers for interesting adverts. He had done in the past of course, before the days of 24hour broadband connections, but he was sure no-one had noticed him doing it.
He pulled into a parking space in the shade, got out and locked up.
"Bye Tata, I won't be long."
Tata didn't even bother lifting up her head. She knew exactly how long he would be so she curled up for a long snooze.
Leonard walked into the shop. He looked for Air Rifle Monthly. Nothing. Sadly he looked to see if Air Gunner or Airgun World or Air Gun World were in, although Air Rifle Monthly was his magazine of choice. No. Not a single air gun magazine in the shop.
Then he looked for Essential Gadgets Just For Men. Another blank. Well, he would just have to settle for Boys Toys which he wasn't too keen on, but it would do. He rubbed his eyes. No, that wasn't there either.
As a last resort he decided to buy The Geocacher's Anorak. That was always in stock because he lived in a popular area for geocaches. But not today.
It had to be a conspiracy. He had forgotten to buy a magazine twice earlier today, and now that he had deliberately come to buy one after Tata's sensible suggestion, there wasn't a single wanted magazine in the shop.
But Leonard was not one to be defeated so easily. He had come to buy a magazine and buy a magazine he would. He defiantly picked up the nearest one. Fusion Flowers. Er no, Leonard thought not, and hastily dropped it.
He resorted to his last stand-by and went to pick up a Land Rover magazine. Half the time he didn't like these. He wasn't interested in Freelanders. Series vehicles were old and uncomfortable. Although he had once vaguely aspired to a Range Rover, he had ended up buying a Discovery. Then he had changed for a Defender. He liked the rugged appearance of the Defender, good looking, tough and practical. Exactly like Leonard.
He took the magazine to the counter without even looking inside it, paid, and walked back outside to Tata and the Land Rover.
Friday 8 August 2008
The little crutches go on the rampage
Of course, the little crutches weren't good at all.
Tata and Leonard were out for a very long time. And although the little crutches didn't start off intending to be naughty, they began to get bored.
They started knocking things over in the cupboard (they shared it with lots of other things, such as boots and wellingtons). They bounded around, they laughed and joked and generally became quite giddy.
Then they started knocking things off shelves. Hahahahaha. Oh, this was such fun. Anything standing upright on the floor was toppled over.
The normally tidy store cupboard was looking like a devastation zone. The little crutches were laughing themselves silly.
Leonard was of course, a Tidy Person, and liked everything to be neatly fell into its place.
Suddenly the little crutches realised what a mess they had made of the cupboard. And they couldn't put anything back either. They couldn't lift things back onto the shelves and they couldn't right the things they had pushed over.
Even worse, they had knocked a plant pot off the windowsill. The plant was on the floor, soil was all around, and the pot was in pieces.
The little crutches looked at each other in horror.
Leonard had set out in such a good mood, but what on earth was he going to say when he returned?
On the rampage
Tata and Leonard were out for a very long time. And although the little crutches didn't start off intending to be naughty, they began to get bored.
They started knocking things over in the cupboard (they shared it with lots of other things, such as boots and wellingtons). They bounded around, they laughed and joked and generally became quite giddy.
Then they started knocking things off shelves. Hahahahaha. Oh, this was such fun. Anything standing upright on the floor was toppled over.
The normally tidy store cupboard was looking like a devastation zone. The little crutches were laughing themselves silly.
Leonard was of course, a Tidy Person, and liked everything to be neatly fell into its place.
Suddenly the little crutches realised what a mess they had made of the cupboard. And they couldn't put anything back either. They couldn't lift things back onto the shelves and they couldn't right the things they had pushed over.
Even worse, they had knocked a plant pot off the windowsill. The plant was on the floor, soil was all around, and the pot was in pieces.
The little crutches looked at each other in horror.
Leonard had set out in such a good mood, but what on earth was he going to say when he returned?
On the rampage
Tata's plan
Fortunately Leonard didn't seem to have incurred any damage as a result of Tata's boisterous welcome.
He dragged his large weary body over to the sofa, preparing to feel sorry for himself.
Tata was having none of it.
"Ruff," she barked imperiously.
"Oh not just yet, sweetheart. I had such a miserable trip in and out of town.
"The little crutches chattered noisily all the way in, I forgot to buy a magazine, and no-one in the tea shop asked me about my leg.
"I was so fed-up I only ate half a packet of Golden Crunch."
Tata was so surprised she sat down with a sudden thump.
Leonard always ate a whole packet of biscuits at once. Sometimes two. But never half a packet in one session. It was all or none. Leonard was an all or nothing kind of guy really.
She looked at him thoughtfully. And came up with an irresistible plan.
"Grrr ruff ruff, ruff, ruff ruff ruff," she barked and then put her head on Leonard's overlarge stomach, and gazed at him imploringly with her soulful eyes.
It was a winning combination. Leonard reluctantly gave up his idea of lying on the sofa, and pondering when would be the optimum moment to make a cup of tea and finish the biscuits.
He knew Tata was right. She always was. Take Tata's Landy into town, pick up a magazine (or two), and go off to bag a few caches. He got the magazine, she got a nice ride in her Landy, then she could get her walk while he got his numbers up with the caches. He might even get in a few FTFs.*
Leonard smiled at Tata, and stroked her head. How lucky he was to live with such a clever dog. Suddenly his spirits lifted in anticipation of the afternoon's fun and excitement.
Tata moved carefully out of the way so that Leonard did not fall over her when he got off the sofa. She pad pad padded behind him as he went to the crutch store.
Leonard was feeling so much better that he was even nice to the little crutches.
"Tata and I are going out in her Landy, so I won't be taking all of you. That's OK isn't it? Because you did have a nice long walk earlier."
The little crutches were so stunned at Leonard's change of mood that they just nodded their heads without saying anything.
To avoid any accusations of favouritism, he picked the nearest crutch, a rather smart reddish-brown one, which happened to be one of the ones he had bought for 20€ in Switzerland after the ski-ing accident.
Then he smiled at them all. "See you later. Be good." And he closed the cupboard door.
Leonard picked up his car keys, and he and Tata walked out of the front door to set off on their expedition.
*First To Find for anyone not familiar with the bizarre terminology of geocaching
He dragged his large weary body over to the sofa, preparing to feel sorry for himself.
Tata was having none of it.
"Ruff," she barked imperiously.
"Oh not just yet, sweetheart. I had such a miserable trip in and out of town.
"The little crutches chattered noisily all the way in, I forgot to buy a magazine, and no-one in the tea shop asked me about my leg.
"I was so fed-up I only ate half a packet of Golden Crunch."
Tata was so surprised she sat down with a sudden thump.
Leonard always ate a whole packet of biscuits at once. Sometimes two. But never half a packet in one session. It was all or none. Leonard was an all or nothing kind of guy really.
She looked at him thoughtfully. And came up with an irresistible plan.
"Grrr ruff ruff, ruff, ruff ruff ruff," she barked and then put her head on Leonard's overlarge stomach, and gazed at him imploringly with her soulful eyes.
It was a winning combination. Leonard reluctantly gave up his idea of lying on the sofa, and pondering when would be the optimum moment to make a cup of tea and finish the biscuits.
He knew Tata was right. She always was. Take Tata's Landy into town, pick up a magazine (or two), and go off to bag a few caches. He got the magazine, she got a nice ride in her Landy, then she could get her walk while he got his numbers up with the caches. He might even get in a few FTFs.*
Leonard smiled at Tata, and stroked her head. How lucky he was to live with such a clever dog. Suddenly his spirits lifted in anticipation of the afternoon's fun and excitement.
Tata moved carefully out of the way so that Leonard did not fall over her when he got off the sofa. She pad pad padded behind him as he went to the crutch store.
Leonard was feeling so much better that he was even nice to the little crutches.
"Tata and I are going out in her Landy, so I won't be taking all of you. That's OK isn't it? Because you did have a nice long walk earlier."
The little crutches were so stunned at Leonard's change of mood that they just nodded their heads without saying anything.
To avoid any accusations of favouritism, he picked the nearest crutch, a rather smart reddish-brown one, which happened to be one of the ones he had bought for 20€ in Switzerland after the ski-ing accident.
Then he smiled at them all. "See you later. Be good." And he closed the cupboard door.
Leonard picked up his car keys, and he and Tata walked out of the front door to set off on their expedition.
*First To Find for anyone not familiar with the bizarre terminology of geocaching
Thursday 7 August 2008
The tea shop
Leonard was not in a good mood. Although he considered himself to be a man of near-perfect temperament, even he realised he was not entirely happy. The trip to town had not gone well.
In the end he had decided to take all the little crutches into town with him, mainly because of the sympathy vote that he was expecting from the old dears.
He had stashed three of them on his back like Samurai swords and used the other two in a more conventional fashion. But they had not stopped chattering all the way into town. Even the two that were supporting his heavy weight were laughing and giggling.
When they arrived in town, he took the three off his back, lined up all five little crutches in a row, and gave them a stern talking to. They were NOT to utter one word in the tea shop. The little crutches immediately fell silent. There were times when Leonard was not to be argued with. Most times in fact.
Leonard limped into the tea shop using one crutch and carried the other four in his other hand. He thought he would look rather stupid with three crutches stashed on his back. Also there was a strong chance that he would knock things over or poke someone in the eye. Leonard was naturally clumsy at the best of times, let alone with a broken leg and five crutches.
The tea shop was buzzing with lots of tittle-tattle from people who had nothing better to do with their time than sit around and gossip in tea shops.
Leonard negotiated his way to an empty table with some difficulty, and propped up the quiet and well-behaved little crutches against the wall. One of them promptly fell over. The others tried hard to suppress their giggles and Leonard glared at all of them. He picked up the offending crutch and turned to the menu.
He glanced round casually, wondering who would be the first to ask him how he was. Nobody seemed to be looking at him. In fact they seemed to be avoiding looking in his direction, although one or two were looking at the five little crutches with a perplexed look on their faces. Leonard looked at the crutches again. He could see no reason why anyone would be looking at them. They were behaving themselves and not talking.
He shrugged his shoulders and perused the menu. He always took at least five or ten minutes to read the menu very carefully, reading every single item individually at least twice. The waiter came up to take his order.
"Yes sir?"
"A cup of the cheapest possible tea with milk and two sugars, please" said Leonard.
"Oh, and a packet of Golden Crunch," he added hastily.
The waiter didn't bother to write anything down. It was a mystery to the tea shop staff why Leonard even bothered to look at the menu as he always ordered the same thing. It was also a mystery as to how he could demolish a whole packet of biscuits in one sitting with only one cup of tea. Packets of Golden Crunch were not on the menu, but the shop ordered them by the caseload specifically for Leonard's visits.
Leonard opened his mouth about to answer the expected question on the state of his leg. But the waiter turned away without asking anything.
What on earth is wrong? wondered Leonard.
I have gone to all the trouble and effort of bringing five noisy little crutches into town to gain extra sympathy, yet no-one is asking me about my leg.
Just as well I have my magazine.
Then he realised he did not have his magazine at all. He had been so annoyed with the little crutches and was so busy lecturing them that he had forgotten to go and buy a magazine first.
He wondered if the tea shop had the latest issues of Air Rifle Monthly or Essential Gadgets Just For Men. Or even the Geocacher's Anorak. Could he be bothered to stagger over to have a look? He decided against it. His chances of disentangling one of the crutches without all the others falling over were pretty low.
He waited miserably for his tea and the packet of Golden Crunch. When they arrived, he got half-way down the packet of biscuits and then decided he had eaten enough. He called the waiter.
"Can you put the rest of these biscuits in a doggy bag?"
The waiter blinked. More than once. Leonard never left a single biscuit, let alone half a packet.
Leonard sighed.
"Can you put the rest of these biscuits in a doggy bag or not?" he said, with some exasperation, wondering what was so difficult about that.
Not that he was going to feed them to Tata as they would not be good for her, but he would eat them later.
"Sorry sir, yes of course," and the waiter whisked up the uneaten Golden Crunch. There was a long discussion in the kitchen. Should they just put the biscuits in a plastic bag, or would Leonard be expecting them in a silver foil tray like proper take-away food?
In the end they decided to err on the side of caution. The staff carefully took all the remaining biscuits out of the pack and layered them neatly in a silver tray. Then they put the tray in not one, but two plastic bags. Even Leonard could not complain about that.
The waiter took out the doggy bag. He put it on Leonard's table hesitantly.
"Thank you," said Leonard, looking inside and wondering why on earth they had put a half eaten pack of biscuits in a silver tray and not one, but two plastic bags. He paid the bill and left, to start the long trudge back home. The little crutches were all quiet as he stashed three on his back like Samurai swords, and hobbled off with the other two for support.
He arrived home tired and dispirited. When he got in, he realised he had still forgotten to go and buy a magazine. In despair, he threw the little crutches into the cupboard and went to throw himself on the sofa.
Whereupon Tata bounded into him, knocked him over and reminded him that he had promised to take her out.
In the end he had decided to take all the little crutches into town with him, mainly because of the sympathy vote that he was expecting from the old dears.
He had stashed three of them on his back like Samurai swords and used the other two in a more conventional fashion. But they had not stopped chattering all the way into town. Even the two that were supporting his heavy weight were laughing and giggling.
When they arrived in town, he took the three off his back, lined up all five little crutches in a row, and gave them a stern talking to. They were NOT to utter one word in the tea shop. The little crutches immediately fell silent. There were times when Leonard was not to be argued with. Most times in fact.
Leonard limped into the tea shop using one crutch and carried the other four in his other hand. He thought he would look rather stupid with three crutches stashed on his back. Also there was a strong chance that he would knock things over or poke someone in the eye. Leonard was naturally clumsy at the best of times, let alone with a broken leg and five crutches.
The tea shop was buzzing with lots of tittle-tattle from people who had nothing better to do with their time than sit around and gossip in tea shops.
Leonard negotiated his way to an empty table with some difficulty, and propped up the quiet and well-behaved little crutches against the wall. One of them promptly fell over. The others tried hard to suppress their giggles and Leonard glared at all of them. He picked up the offending crutch and turned to the menu.
He glanced round casually, wondering who would be the first to ask him how he was. Nobody seemed to be looking at him. In fact they seemed to be avoiding looking in his direction, although one or two were looking at the five little crutches with a perplexed look on their faces. Leonard looked at the crutches again. He could see no reason why anyone would be looking at them. They were behaving themselves and not talking.
He shrugged his shoulders and perused the menu. He always took at least five or ten minutes to read the menu very carefully, reading every single item individually at least twice. The waiter came up to take his order.
"Yes sir?"
"A cup of the cheapest possible tea with milk and two sugars, please" said Leonard.
"Oh, and a packet of Golden Crunch," he added hastily.
The waiter didn't bother to write anything down. It was a mystery to the tea shop staff why Leonard even bothered to look at the menu as he always ordered the same thing. It was also a mystery as to how he could demolish a whole packet of biscuits in one sitting with only one cup of tea. Packets of Golden Crunch were not on the menu, but the shop ordered them by the caseload specifically for Leonard's visits.
Leonard opened his mouth about to answer the expected question on the state of his leg. But the waiter turned away without asking anything.
What on earth is wrong? wondered Leonard.
I have gone to all the trouble and effort of bringing five noisy little crutches into town to gain extra sympathy, yet no-one is asking me about my leg.
Just as well I have my magazine.
Then he realised he did not have his magazine at all. He had been so annoyed with the little crutches and was so busy lecturing them that he had forgotten to go and buy a magazine first.
He wondered if the tea shop had the latest issues of Air Rifle Monthly or Essential Gadgets Just For Men. Or even the Geocacher's Anorak. Could he be bothered to stagger over to have a look? He decided against it. His chances of disentangling one of the crutches without all the others falling over were pretty low.
He waited miserably for his tea and the packet of Golden Crunch. When they arrived, he got half-way down the packet of biscuits and then decided he had eaten enough. He called the waiter.
"Can you put the rest of these biscuits in a doggy bag?"
The waiter blinked. More than once. Leonard never left a single biscuit, let alone half a packet.
Leonard sighed.
"Can you put the rest of these biscuits in a doggy bag or not?" he said, with some exasperation, wondering what was so difficult about that.
Not that he was going to feed them to Tata as they would not be good for her, but he would eat them later.
"Sorry sir, yes of course," and the waiter whisked up the uneaten Golden Crunch. There was a long discussion in the kitchen. Should they just put the biscuits in a plastic bag, or would Leonard be expecting them in a silver foil tray like proper take-away food?
In the end they decided to err on the side of caution. The staff carefully took all the remaining biscuits out of the pack and layered them neatly in a silver tray. Then they put the tray in not one, but two plastic bags. Even Leonard could not complain about that.
The waiter took out the doggy bag. He put it on Leonard's table hesitantly.
"Thank you," said Leonard, looking inside and wondering why on earth they had put a half eaten pack of biscuits in a silver tray and not one, but two plastic bags. He paid the bill and left, to start the long trudge back home. The little crutches were all quiet as he stashed three on his back like Samurai swords, and hobbled off with the other two for support.
He arrived home tired and dispirited. When he got in, he realised he had still forgotten to go and buy a magazine. In despair, he threw the little crutches into the cupboard and went to throw himself on the sofa.
Whereupon Tata bounded into him, knocked him over and reminded him that he had promised to take her out.
Wednesday 6 August 2008
The little crutches
Leonard gazed forlornly at the screen. The geocaching forum was dull. There was just nothing happening on there. No really good arguments for ages. Everyone was being very civilised to each other. Leonard was a moderator on there, and he took his duties very seriously.
But what was the point in being a moderator if there was no-one to moderate? It wasn't that he enjoyed being bossy and telling people off, but he did think he was rather good at it. Leonard considered he had exactly the right style. Some of his colleagues on the mod team just ended up trading insults and being as bad as the perpetrators. Others tried to inject a bit of a humour into the arguments to lighten the atmosphere.
Leonard always tried to remain polite, not get involved in the issues, distance himself slightly, but make it very clear that rudeness and bad behaviour would not be tolerated, or the culprits would receive a very stern rebuke. He felt a warm glow of smugness as he remembered some of his more pointed put-downs. And felt disappointed that he hadn't had the opportunity to indulge in any for some time.
He logged out of the forum, closed the lap-top, and decided to limp into town. He would buy a magazine and go and sit in the tea shop for a few hours. With any luck, there would be the usual group of old dears in there who were guaranteed to dish out bucketfuls of sympathy for his broken leg.
Justifiably too, thought Leonard to himself. He could imagine the old dears thinking what a shame that such a handsome man in his early forties had such a devastating injury, but that he was struggling with it so bravely and stoically.
His leg had not been without complications. It was not healing as quickly as expected which was why he was still on crutches more than four months after the accident.
Not that Leonard was one to look for sympathy but he did appreciate being asked how his leg was doing. And he always remembered not to bore people too much with the fascinating details of his progress, although he would usually mention something interesting like the callus forming on the rear of his tibia.
He picked up a crutch ready to hobble to the door. Tata immediately got up too and started barking excitedly.
"Ruff ruff ruff!!"
"No, I'm sorry Tata, I'm going alone. I'm going to the tea shop to sit with the old dears and read my new magazine."
Tata glared at him and sulked off.
"I'll take you out when I get back," offered Leonard.
But it was too late. Tata ignored him and climbed onto the sofa.
Leonard wondered how many crutches to take with him. He had gone for a walk the other day with only one and he had been in agony afterwards. Stoical agony of course, but agony nonetheless. And, he reasoned, the more crutches he took, the more sympathy he would get.
He went to the crutch store.
"I'm going into town," he announced to all the crutches.
"Who wants to come?"
All the little crutches jumped up and down excitedly.
"I haven't decided how many of you to take yet," he told them. Bossily.
The little crutches stopped jumping up and down. They were very still and they looked at Leonard with their big eyes wide open.
The thing was, the little crutches liked to go out. But grumpy Leonard was always moaning about something and he was very heavy as well.
Still if he took all of them, that meant they could take it in turns supporting his fourteen and a half stone. Or was it fifteen? It certainly felt like fifteen.
And while two of the little crutches were supporting his huge weight, the other three little crutches could just be swinging around gaily in the air.
Leonard glared at the little crutches. And wondered whether it was a greater punishment for some of the little crutches to stay behind, locked in the cupboard, or whether it would be worse for them to take their turn in supporting his weight and suffer his moaning.
The little crutches waited patiently for his decision.
But what was the point in being a moderator if there was no-one to moderate? It wasn't that he enjoyed being bossy and telling people off, but he did think he was rather good at it. Leonard considered he had exactly the right style. Some of his colleagues on the mod team just ended up trading insults and being as bad as the perpetrators. Others tried to inject a bit of a humour into the arguments to lighten the atmosphere.
Leonard always tried to remain polite, not get involved in the issues, distance himself slightly, but make it very clear that rudeness and bad behaviour would not be tolerated, or the culprits would receive a very stern rebuke. He felt a warm glow of smugness as he remembered some of his more pointed put-downs. And felt disappointed that he hadn't had the opportunity to indulge in any for some time.
He logged out of the forum, closed the lap-top, and decided to limp into town. He would buy a magazine and go and sit in the tea shop for a few hours. With any luck, there would be the usual group of old dears in there who were guaranteed to dish out bucketfuls of sympathy for his broken leg.
Justifiably too, thought Leonard to himself. He could imagine the old dears thinking what a shame that such a handsome man in his early forties had such a devastating injury, but that he was struggling with it so bravely and stoically.
His leg had not been without complications. It was not healing as quickly as expected which was why he was still on crutches more than four months after the accident.
Not that Leonard was one to look for sympathy but he did appreciate being asked how his leg was doing. And he always remembered not to bore people too much with the fascinating details of his progress, although he would usually mention something interesting like the callus forming on the rear of his tibia.
He picked up a crutch ready to hobble to the door. Tata immediately got up too and started barking excitedly.
"Ruff ruff ruff!!"
"No, I'm sorry Tata, I'm going alone. I'm going to the tea shop to sit with the old dears and read my new magazine."
Tata glared at him and sulked off.
"I'll take you out when I get back," offered Leonard.
But it was too late. Tata ignored him and climbed onto the sofa.
Leonard wondered how many crutches to take with him. He had gone for a walk the other day with only one and he had been in agony afterwards. Stoical agony of course, but agony nonetheless. And, he reasoned, the more crutches he took, the more sympathy he would get.
He went to the crutch store.
"I'm going into town," he announced to all the crutches.
"Who wants to come?"
All the little crutches jumped up and down excitedly.
"I haven't decided how many of you to take yet," he told them. Bossily.
The little crutches stopped jumping up and down. They were very still and they looked at Leonard with their big eyes wide open.
The thing was, the little crutches liked to go out. But grumpy Leonard was always moaning about something and he was very heavy as well.
Still if he took all of them, that meant they could take it in turns supporting his fourteen and a half stone. Or was it fifteen? It certainly felt like fifteen.
And while two of the little crutches were supporting his huge weight, the other three little crutches could just be swinging around gaily in the air.
Leonard glared at the little crutches. And wondered whether it was a greater punishment for some of the little crutches to stay behind, locked in the cupboard, or whether it would be worse for them to take their turn in supporting his weight and suffer his moaning.
The little crutches waited patiently for his decision.
Tuesday 5 August 2008
The aliens
It was Friday afternoon some weeks after The Conspiracy. Leonard was bored. As usual. He had taken the afternoon off as he deserved it. Well, he thought he did. Most people thought he took too much time off.
He was idling around looking out of the window and watching the cows.
Then he decided he would reply to an email from a snotty woman who seemed to have made it her mission in life to deluge him with emails and ask him Nosy Personal Questions. Leonard was worried by this as he didn't have anything interesting to say and was wondering whether to make stuff up.
He sent his email and hoped she wouldn't reply too quickly. He was more interested in the cows so he hobbled back to the window to look for them.
They had gone! They had disappeared in a matter of seconds. It was probably minutes but Leonard didn't realise how slow he was at typing.
Leonard rubbed his eyes and looked around for a spaceship as it was clear that the cows had been abducted by aliens.
There was no other way they could have got out of the field.
"Tata," said Leonard. "Did you see a spaceship or any aliens abduct those cows while I was on the computer?"
"Ruff ruff," said Tata, wondering if Leonard had been smoking his strawberry and apple tobacco again through the hubble bubble pipe.
He was idling around looking out of the window and watching the cows.
Then he decided he would reply to an email from a snotty woman who seemed to have made it her mission in life to deluge him with emails and ask him Nosy Personal Questions. Leonard was worried by this as he didn't have anything interesting to say and was wondering whether to make stuff up.
He sent his email and hoped she wouldn't reply too quickly. He was more interested in the cows so he hobbled back to the window to look for them.
They had gone! They had disappeared in a matter of seconds. It was probably minutes but Leonard didn't realise how slow he was at typing.
Leonard rubbed his eyes and looked around for a spaceship as it was clear that the cows had been abducted by aliens.
There was no other way they could have got out of the field.
"Tata," said Leonard. "Did you see a spaceship or any aliens abduct those cows while I was on the computer?"
"Ruff ruff," said Tata, wondering if Leonard had been smoking his strawberry and apple tobacco again through the hubble bubble pipe.
The conspiracy
Friday afternoon in the Smith household.
Rod arrives.
Tata The Talking Dog bounds up to greet him enthusiastically.
"Ruff ruff."
"Hi Tata, I'm fine thanks. How are you?"
"Ruff."
"That's good. Is dad around?"
"Grrr ruff ruff."
"Oh right. I thought he would be in. Do you think he will be long?"
"Ruff."
"The thing is Tata, he's railroaded me into promising I'll do the overdrive for him today...."
"Ruuuuuuufffff." Tata yawns at hearing about the overdrive yet again.
".......but, because I've finished the course early this week some of my mates have suggested we all go down the beach this afternoon.
"Now I really really want to go. It is such a nice day and we thought we could have a barbecue and maybe spend the night down there.
"But if I start doing the overdrive I'll just never get away and by the time it's finished I won't feel like doing anything."
"Ruff," barks Tata in agreement.
"So, as he's not around, do you think you could possibly tell him that something has cropped up unexpectedly and I'm really sorry but I can't make it today.
"I mean it's not a lie is it?"
"Grrrr ruff ruff."
"Oh you're a great dog Tata."
"Ruff ruff?"
"You're right though. He will be expecting me tomorrow instead won't he? And of course if it's a nice day tomorrow we might want to spend more time down the beach. Hmmmm. What do you think tomorrow's excuse should be?"
"Grrrr rufff."
"Got to help a mate with a sudden problem? Yeah, that'll do. You're usually pretty convincing, he believes everything you say. And then Sunday I just have to spend some time with the girlfriend."
"Ruff ruff."
"Yeah, yeah. I know I'll have to do it sometime but I just don't like being pressurised. After all, it's not as though he's going to drive it anywhere this weekend. The way he's performing with that leg he'll be lucky to drive before Christmas."
"Ruff," agrees Tata.
"OK then Tata. That's sorted and I can have a cool weekend off. Say Hi to mum for me too. See ya later."
"Ruff." Tata waves a paw at Rod as he drives off and rolls over to dream of digging holes in the sand and running riot on the beach.
Rod arrives.
Tata The Talking Dog bounds up to greet him enthusiastically.
"Ruff ruff."
"Hi Tata, I'm fine thanks. How are you?"
"Ruff."
"That's good. Is dad around?"
"Grrr ruff ruff."
"Oh right. I thought he would be in. Do you think he will be long?"
"Ruff."
"The thing is Tata, he's railroaded me into promising I'll do the overdrive for him today...."
"Ruuuuuuufffff." Tata yawns at hearing about the overdrive yet again.
".......but, because I've finished the course early this week some of my mates have suggested we all go down the beach this afternoon.
"Now I really really want to go. It is such a nice day and we thought we could have a barbecue and maybe spend the night down there.
"But if I start doing the overdrive I'll just never get away and by the time it's finished I won't feel like doing anything."
"Ruff," barks Tata in agreement.
"So, as he's not around, do you think you could possibly tell him that something has cropped up unexpectedly and I'm really sorry but I can't make it today.
"I mean it's not a lie is it?"
"Grrrr ruff ruff."
"Oh you're a great dog Tata."
"Ruff ruff?"
"You're right though. He will be expecting me tomorrow instead won't he? And of course if it's a nice day tomorrow we might want to spend more time down the beach. Hmmmm. What do you think tomorrow's excuse should be?"
"Grrrr rufff."
"Got to help a mate with a sudden problem? Yeah, that'll do. You're usually pretty convincing, he believes everything you say. And then Sunday I just have to spend some time with the girlfriend."
"Ruff ruff."
"Yeah, yeah. I know I'll have to do it sometime but I just don't like being pressurised. After all, it's not as though he's going to drive it anywhere this weekend. The way he's performing with that leg he'll be lucky to drive before Christmas."
"Ruff," agrees Tata.
"OK then Tata. That's sorted and I can have a cool weekend off. Say Hi to mum for me too. See ya later."
"Ruff." Tata waves a paw at Rod as he drives off and rolls over to dream of digging holes in the sand and running riot on the beach.
Invitation to a party
Leonard is frustrated that his broken leg is taking so long to heal.
Some work needs doing on Tata's Land Rover, but Leonard's son, Rod, seems to keep avoiding coming to help.
Leonard finally manipulates Rod into working on the Landy. He is supervising Rod. Tata is lying down and supervising everyone.
Leonard hobbles off for some reason. To answer the must-have essential phone in the garage, or to go outside for an ageing tab. (Leonard likes to have a phone within arm's reach in every room. He is also useless at trying to quit smoking even though he is vain and knows it makes him look old and wrinkly).
Rod and Tata have a chat, as happens in the Smith household.
"Oh by the way Tata, in case I forget, tell dad I'm having a housewarming party."
"Grrr, ruff ruff," barks Tata.
"Yeah, that's right. It's mainly my mates but dad's down with us so let him know he's invited."
"Grrr, ruff ruff."
"Thanks Tata, you're a pal."
...........................
Much later. Rod has had his customary free shower, scranned a load of food, and cleared off.
Leonard and Tata are sofa surfing. That's if an average/smaller than average man and a largeish dog can fit on the sofa together. (Leonard is slightly obsessed with size as he appears to be large where he shouldn't be and small where he would like to be large).
"Oh Tata what a wonderful dog you are," says Leonard as usual to Tata.
"Grrr ruff ruff ruff," barks Tata in agreement. "Ruff ruff?"
"What's that?"
"Grrr ruff ruff?" in slight exasperation.
"No he didn't. What party?"
"Ruff ruff ruff."
"Oh right. That sounds good, I might go and look cool there for a few hours. I'm usually pretty down with the kids."
"Ruff." Tata rolls eyes.
Mission accomplished, Tata bounds off the sofa to go and find Mrs Leonard and have a chat about Women's Things.
Another normal evening in the Smith house.
Some work needs doing on Tata's Land Rover, but Leonard's son, Rod, seems to keep avoiding coming to help.
Leonard finally manipulates Rod into working on the Landy. He is supervising Rod. Tata is lying down and supervising everyone.
Leonard hobbles off for some reason. To answer the must-have essential phone in the garage, or to go outside for an ageing tab. (Leonard likes to have a phone within arm's reach in every room. He is also useless at trying to quit smoking even though he is vain and knows it makes him look old and wrinkly).
Rod and Tata have a chat, as happens in the Smith household.
"Oh by the way Tata, in case I forget, tell dad I'm having a housewarming party."
"Grrr, ruff ruff," barks Tata.
"Yeah, that's right. It's mainly my mates but dad's down with us so let him know he's invited."
"Grrr, ruff ruff."
"Thanks Tata, you're a pal."
...........................
Much later. Rod has had his customary free shower, scranned a load of food, and cleared off.
Leonard and Tata are sofa surfing. That's if an average/smaller than average man and a largeish dog can fit on the sofa together. (Leonard is slightly obsessed with size as he appears to be large where he shouldn't be and small where he would like to be large).
"Oh Tata what a wonderful dog you are," says Leonard as usual to Tata.
"Grrr ruff ruff ruff," barks Tata in agreement. "Ruff ruff?"
"What's that?"
"Grrr ruff ruff?" in slight exasperation.
"No he didn't. What party?"
"Ruff ruff ruff."
"Oh right. That sounds good, I might go and look cool there for a few hours. I'm usually pretty down with the kids."
"Ruff." Tata rolls eyes.
Mission accomplished, Tata bounds off the sofa to go and find Mrs Leonard and have a chat about Women's Things.
Another normal evening in the Smith house.
Meet Tata
Tata is a pedigree Rhodesian Ridgeback. She is five years old. She joined the Smith family as a puppy and promptly became top dog. This leaves Leonard in third place behind Tata, and Mrs Leonard.
Leonard had some silly ideas initially about not letting Tata on the furniture but she looked at him with her cute puppy face and he realised how cruel and hateful he was being. So Tata promptly claimed the sofas. And a bed.
Tata has a Land Rover. She allows Leonard to drive it, although she thinks he drives too fast sometimes and he listens to disgusting music by Basement Jaxx and Armada Groove.
Mrs Leonard takes Tata to the beach and Tata has a fine time running around in ever-increasing circles and digging huge holes with her large paws.
Tata weighs 43.5kgs. She is strong and knows that when she wants to attack a Westie (a nasty one bit her when she was young so now she wants to kill them all) it is important to pull Leonard or Mrs Leonard along with her, as they don't seem to share her killer instinct.
In the evenings she goes to her toy box and carefully selects one. Then she goes to Leonard who is idling on the sofa as usual, puts the toy down, and gazes at him with her large irresistible eyes. Then Leonard has to play tug, which soon becomes a wrestling match and he ends up feeling rather queasy because he always eats too much dinner.
Leonard had some silly ideas initially about not letting Tata on the furniture but she looked at him with her cute puppy face and he realised how cruel and hateful he was being. So Tata promptly claimed the sofas. And a bed.
Tata has a Land Rover. She allows Leonard to drive it, although she thinks he drives too fast sometimes and he listens to disgusting music by Basement Jaxx and Armada Groove.
Mrs Leonard takes Tata to the beach and Tata has a fine time running around in ever-increasing circles and digging huge holes with her large paws.
Tata weighs 43.5kgs. She is strong and knows that when she wants to attack a Westie (a nasty one bit her when she was young so now she wants to kill them all) it is important to pull Leonard or Mrs Leonard along with her, as they don't seem to share her killer instinct.
In the evenings she goes to her toy box and carefully selects one. Then she goes to Leonard who is idling on the sofa as usual, puts the toy down, and gazes at him with her large irresistible eyes. Then Leonard has to play tug, which soon becomes a wrestling match and he ends up feeling rather queasy because he always eats too much dinner.
Monday 4 August 2008
INTRO
This blog tells the story of Leonard Smith and his family.
Leonard is an ordinary sort of guy who goes to work, smokes, drinks endless cups of tea - usually accompanied by packets of Golden Crunch biscuits, eats a lot, and generally leads an unexciting life. He is a bit of an anorak because he likes geocaching.
Why does Leonard have a story to tell? Well, he doesn't really, but he does have a very beautiful Talking Dog who conspires against him with Leonard's five children. Oddly enough he also has five crutches that he needs to use because of his broken leg that is taking an eternity to heal.
Read on. Or not. Suit yourself. I am just entertaining myself at Leonard's expense.
Leonard is an ordinary sort of guy who goes to work, smokes, drinks endless cups of tea - usually accompanied by packets of Golden Crunch biscuits, eats a lot, and generally leads an unexciting life. He is a bit of an anorak because he likes geocaching.
Why does Leonard have a story to tell? Well, he doesn't really, but he does have a very beautiful Talking Dog who conspires against him with Leonard's five children. Oddly enough he also has five crutches that he needs to use because of his broken leg that is taking an eternity to heal.
Read on. Or not. Suit yourself. I am just entertaining myself at Leonard's expense.
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