Casualty

Leonora was sitting on the cliff top with Tata's head on her lap. She was stroking Tata and talking to herself.

Tata and Leonora had started off with one of those good conversations about how wonderful and beautiful Tata was. Tata always enjoyed hearing about herself and added the odd "Grrrrruff," to the conversation.

But when Leonora changed the subject Tata became bored and dozed off to sleep.

Next to Leonora were the two little crutches. She had thanked them very nicely for their excellent efforts in getting her up the cliff and put them down carefully on the grass. They liked Leonora, it was good to be appreciated. They had chattered away together for a while, and then like Tata, had decided to take a nap.

Mrs Leonard arrived up the path first, and dashed past Leonora saying that she was going to try and bring the Land Rover further up the track. Then Leonora saw the arrival of the strange procession, the three big strapping men swaying gently as they carried Leonard between them.

He had his arms around two of them and the third was supporting his legs. How bizarre thought Leonora. Then she scowled. Why was Leonard being carried when her ankle was far worse than his?

The men put Leonard down on the grass next to Leonora and everyone had a rest. It wasn't easy carrying Leonard, even for three big strapping men.

"Why are you being carried? My ankle is far worse than yours, I should be the one to be carried. And I am much lighter than you," she said.

"You have one good leg Leonora. I don't. So there's an end to it," he replied. Do one.

"Why did you not tell Mrs Leonard I had twisted my ankle, you selfish woman?" he asked.

"She seemed to be under the illusion that I should have struggled heroically up the cliff path with you in my arms, accompanied by two little crutches, while stoically and bravely suffering the searing pain of a twisted ankle and the ongoing agony of the metal plate in my broken leg."

Leonora didn't know what to say. Leonard never spoke like that. He was always abrupt. Perhaps he had been reading trashy novels. Nor did she have an answer to the question.

"Anyway you look very silly," was all she could think of.

"Well, you've had plenty of time to rest, so you and the little crutches and Tata can start making your way back to Tata's Land Rover. Get a move on," he ordered. He was sick of Leonora and annoyed with himself that he had wasted time thinking pleasant thoughts about her. She was selfish, childish and rude.

Leonora did as she was told. Not because she felt like being obedient but because she was sick of Leonard too. The clumsy idiot shouldn't have fallen over when he was meant to be helping her.

She briefly thought about asking for one of the big strapping men to carry her, but reluctantly decided against it. Leonard was so heavy that it was taking three of them all their time to carry him.

The little crutches had woken up from their nap and jumped up eagerly, happy to help Leonora again. They smiled at her, trying to give her moral support, as well as physical support.

Five minutes or so afterwards, Leonard and the three men resumed their strange cumbersome procession and slowly staggered and swayed down the path.

Eventually, the invalids finally arrived back at the Land Rover, and installed themselves inside, with some difficulty.

Mrs Leonard set off to drive to the hospital.

"I don't want to go to hospital," piped up Leonora.

Leonard was losing his temper.

"Fine Leonora. You can wait in the Land Rover while I go into casualty. Then when we get home, you can pack your bags and drive yourself back home because I am fed up with your childish behaviour."

Leonard waited for his words to sink in. Given that Leonora could hardly walk on her right leg she was in no condition to drive anywhere.

"Or, you can go into casualty with me, and check that you haven't broken anything. At the very least you will need some sort of support, and depending on how badly you have sprained your ankle, you may need a plaster cast.

"You can act as irresponsibly as you want when you are on your own, but when you are a guest in my home I am not prepared to let your injury go untreated."

Leonora said nothing. There wasn't really anything she could say, and she gazed morosely out of the window. She had an intense dislike of hospitals and avoided them at all costs. Leonard was well aware of this and she thought he was being very unfair. And very bossy. And pompous too. She hated him.

Casualty was hell for Leonora. Luckily it wasn't particularly busy but she was in agony when her boot was taken off, and then again when they X-rayed her ankle. The general consensus was that her sprain was bad, and she should really have a cast, especially when she told them about all the previous accidents to the same ankle. Leonora groaned.

Apart from anything else, it was one thing having a cast as a teenager and escaping school, but on a middle-aged woman who had nothing to escape, it was just a drag. She would look most inelegant. And what was she going to do about getting home? It was all Leonard's fault.

Fortunately for Leonard, he fared slightly better and only needed a support stocking. But although he had been gradually increasing the weight-bearing on his broken leg, the medical staff were concerned that he might put too much weight on it now and set back his recovery. So he was consigned to a wheelchair for the next week.

When Tata and Mrs Leonard saw the two of them coming out of casualty they couldn't resist laughing. They looked so pathetic. On top of that they weren't speaking to each other, and both looked extremely sulky.

Not surprisingly, Leonard and Leonora were both thinking the same thing. What was to be done about Leonora? She was trying to work out how she would get home, while Leonard was trying to work out how to tell her she needed to stay with them until she was mobile again, knowing that she would immediately refuse to stay any longer. Not that he wanted her to stay for weeks on end, but he didn't want to see her in difficulty either.

Luckily Mrs Leonard efficiently jumped in to sort the issue before either of them had got round to mentioning it.

"Of course you will stay with us Leonora won't you, until your leg is better?" she said.

"Tata and Leonard and I wouldn't dream of seeing you trying to go home and manage alone when you are in such pain," she added tactfully to appease Leonora.

Leonard tried not to snigger. Tata barked her approval immediately.

"Grrr ruff ruff." Even if Leonora wasn't mobile she could play tugs all the time with Tata, and tell her how wonderful and beautiful she was. She put her head on Leonora's shoulder for emphasis.

"And when I go back to work, you and Leonard can keep each other company, so neither of you will be bored," said Mrs Leonard innocently.

Leonard thought that was rather sneaky and looked at Mrs Leonard suspiciously. Was she laughing at them both? But Mrs Leonard was concentrating on the road ahead and he couldn't see any change in her expression.

Leonora gave in. "Thank you," she said feebly. And wondered how on earth she was going to cope with staying with Leonard for more than a few days.

Leonard's thoughts

Leonard gazed out to sea, admiring the beautiful view. It was very peaceful and tranquil, although a few more people around to help him back up the cliff path wouldn't have gone amiss.

He decided it was the perfect time for a quiet tab. No Tata or the two women to moan about how horrid the smell was and how bad it was for him. He smiled, anticipating the pleasure to come from his cigarette.

Try as he might though, he could not get Leonora out of his mind.

He'd never really thought about why he was attracted to her all those years ago. Not conventionally pretty, she was OK to look at, but nothing special. She was tall and slim, verging on skinny in those days, and he laughed to himself as he realised she was right and that she had put on some weight recently. Not much, and he hadn't really noticed it before. It had obviously appeared some time after she had passed 40. Perhaps he should tell her "You don't look too bad for your age Leonora." Or perhaps not.

Leonard wasn't even sure how old she was. He knew they were a similar age, and that she was a bit older than him, but he had forgotten what the difference was over the years. And she had point blank refused to tell him when he had asked.

She was self-opinionated, arrogant, outspoken and far too sarcastic. But she had a good sense of fun and could usually take a joke. He had always admired her independence, her determination, and her spirit of adventure. She had travelled a lot in her twenties and thirties, was well qualified, and had moved around the country to advance her career. And at some point, while she was building her career and he was working away, they had lost contact.

They had only got in touch again after her parents had died. Leonora had, for some reason, chucked in her well-paid job and downsized to a small flat. She had stopped working entirely, and in Leonard's opinion was just dossing around. He wondered if he was slightly jealous of her having the luxury of doing exactly what she wanted to do.

Not long after she had "retired," her father had died suddenly, and then she had spent a lot of time travelling backwards and forwards to look after her mother, who then promptly died on her too. Leonard had heard snippets of the story from his mother, who had been to the funerals. He'd got Leonora's 'phone number from his mother too but with no real intention of ringing her.

He had been feeling rather bored one day though, Mrs Leonard had gone out with some friends, Tata didn't want to play with him, and it was raining heavily. On a whim he decided to ring Leonora. She had been so surprised she forgot to be stand-offish which was the reception he had expected, and it had been a good conversation.

The truth was Leonard felt quite sorry for her. She was an only child and after her parents died, she had no close family. After that, he rang her quite often, and even suggested meeting up. She poured an absolute torrent of cold water on that one. But Leonard persisted, and even invented a couple of fictitious business meetings in London to try and convince her, and eventually she gave in. Surprisingly the reunion went well and after that they met up regularly.

As they became more relaxed with each other, Leonard managed to stuff it up a couple of times.

On one occasion he had pointed out that she had no close family, and that he was always happy to help if she needed anything.

"Thank you Leonard. I do have two degrees and I do not need someone who left school at 16 with a couple of 'O' levels or CSEs or whatever you have, to point that out. I am not Little Orphan Annie and I don't need any charity from you," she had said.

Leonard had been so surprised that he decided not to correct her about his qualifications. Although Leonora often came out with smart comments, she did not usually deliberately hit below the belt. After that, their relationship had cooled off and she always seemed to be busy when he suggested meeting up. In the end, sick of endlessly being put off by her, he had chanced turning up at her home, hoping to hell that she was going to be in.

It wasn't often he had the chance of getting one over on Leonora, but the expression on her face when she opened the door made him feel the long drive had been well worth the effort.

"Leonard," she had said, with her mouth wide open. "What on earth are you doing here?"

"I came to see you," he said, stating the obvious. "I was passing."

Leonora started to speak. "I'm just........"

"Leonora, let me in. It's been a long drive, and I don't feel like listening to any of your silly childish excuses for not seeing me," he said. So she did.

Things had improved after that, and she had finally agreed to go and stay with Leonard and Mrs Leonard. She had been very reluctant at first, but Tata and Mrs Leonard and Leonora all got on well together, so Leonard's fictitious business trips dropped off, and Leonora travelled down to see them all instead.

But Leonard had realised that he knew nothing about her personal life. She wasn't married, and she never mentioned a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or having none of them, or having lots of them. Just. Nothing.

So one day he asked, in a light-hearted fashion, if there was anyone in her life.

"Leonard, please take your interfering nose out of my personal business, because that is exactly what it is. Personal and private. I don't ask you about all your marriages and your affairs, so I suggest you respect my private life."

He thought that was a bit unfair. He was only on his second marriage, and how did Leonora know about his affairs? Not that he had had any for a while.

But at least she wasn't as huffy as she had been the last time. It had been a top idea getting her to be mates with Tata and Mrs Leonard because however much Leonard annoyed her, she could no longer refuse to see him, because she would then miss out on visiting the other two.

Some days after that comment and when Leonora had gone back home, he had wandered into the kitchen to chat to Mrs Leonard.

"Has Leonora ever spoken about her private life to you?" he asked nonchalantly.

"No," answered Mrs Leonard. "Got nothing to do with me."

"Well, have you ever asked?" he persisted.

"Why would I do that? If she wanted to talk about it she would. We have plenty of other things to talk about."

Then Mrs Leonard looked at Leonard and saw the expression on his face.

"Oh dear, Leonard. You should really know better. Why did you ask her?"

"I bet the two of you talk about me," he said, and ran out of the kitchen so she couldn't get the last word in.

And that was the last conversation about Leonora's personal life. So he was still none the wiser and had left the subject alone since then.

He wondered if he should ask her about the letters. Maybe he should. He frowned and shrugged his shoulders, stubbed out his cigarette and looked up the path.

Mrs Leonard and the two little crutches were already half-way down the path, and behind her were three big strapping men. Well, they looked fairly strapping from what Leonard could see with his limited vision.

He sighed with relief. Clearly Leonora had done something right. He had visions of being carried up the cliff being borne aloft like an eastern potentate and dissolved in a fit of giggles. Mrs Leonard arrived and beamed at him, although she wondered why he was slightly hysterical.

"Poor darling Leonora is in absolute agony. She struggled up the cliff so valiantly. Why didn't you carry her up?" she asked.

Leonard's good mood evaporated. Flippin' Leonora. The selfish woman hadn't even mentioned he had twisted his ankle. What on earth had he ever seen in her?

Moving on

Leonora did not want to move. She hoped this was all a bad dream and that she was going to wake up soon.

She wriggled around slightly to make herself less uncomfortable, as much as anyone can on a stony cliff path, and leaned against Leonard's solid chest. For once she was grateful that there was a lot of him and decided he was rather nice to curl up next to. She shut her eyes in an attempt to blank out the whole horrible experience.

Leonard looked down at her puzzled. The last thing he had ever expected was to have Leonora lying peacefully against him. Many years ago he would have done pretty much anything to achieve that, although preferably not on a stony path.

He had had a soft spot for Leonora for quite some time when he was younger, and could never understand why she always laughed at him and treated him like dirt. In the end he had convinced himself it was a front, and that she probably did like him after all but was too shy or embarrassed to let him know.

So he wrote a couple of letters, telling her about his feelings for her. He never got a reply to either of them. Not even a sarcastic one. She had never mentioned the letters at all to him. He wondered what she had done with them. Laughed at them and probably ripped them into tiny pieces and chucked them in the bin, he supposed. It was as though they had never existed and even Leonard had sometimes asked himself if he had really written them, or if they were just in his imagination.

He hadn't thought about the letters for ages, and probably wouldn't have done had circumstances that morning not brought the two of them so physically close together. And being a practical man, he consigned them neatly back to the past where they belonged, and brought himself quickly into the present.

Leonora still had her eyes shut and was whimpering rather like Tata did in her sleep. Leonard noticed a couple of tears on her cheek and wiped them off. Poor girl, she must be in some pain, he thought. He stroked her head, like he would with Tata, and then rested his arm gently round her.

"Come on Leonora, we can't stay here for ever," he said quietly. She ignored him. As usual.

"Leonora," he said, in his normal bossy style. "Wake up girl, we need to move."

"Don't want," she mumbled.

"Don't tell me that you have suddenly become so fond of me that you are enjoying lying here with me," he said, in an attempt to animate her spirits.

"Any fat person would do," she answered, still not attempting to move. "Anyway, I don't understand why you can't move."

"Because I've twisted my ankle too," he said.

At that, Leonora lifted her head up and looked at him.

"What, the one on the broken leg?"

"No, the other one." Leonard sighed.

And Leonora burst out laughing in spite of the pain.

"Oh, that is too funny for words," she said and laughed again.

Leonard did not think it was funny at all. He glared at her.

"Would you like me to take your boot off and have a look at your ankle?" he said, vindictively.

"Noooooooooo," wailed Leonora, no longer laughing.

"Right, so don't laugh at me. Tata and Mrs Leonard obviously haven't been able to find anyone to help, so we need to try and move," said Leonard. Although he had no idea how he was going to move with a still weak broken leg, and now a twisted ankle.

"You need to get up onto your good leg using me as a support, and then lean on the little crutches. They will take you up the path. Just take your time and go carefully." Not that you managed very well before, he thought to himself.

The little crutches murmured their agreement with the plan. They were happy to help Leonora who weighed at least five stone less than Leonard, so figured it would be pretty easy to get her safely to the top.

"Can't I just try and crawl?" said Leonora petulantly, in her typical spoilt brat fashion.

"No. Don't be ridiculous. You will probably find once the little crutches are taking most of your weight that you can put your right leg down enough to limp along," he added.

"What about you?" she asked.

"Don't worry about me. When you get to the top, give Mrs Leonard the little crutches and ask her to come down to help me.

"And if you see anyone else while you are waiting for us, ask them to come down and help. Particularly if they are big strapping men. Fourteen-year-old schoolgirls won't be much help."

"Not even big strapping ones?" she asked.

"Leonora, just get moving."

So she did as she was told, for once, although accompanied by much moaning and screwing up of her face. And as she set off on the slow hobble and limp up the path, Leonard pulled himself around to sit back against the cliff. And tried not to think about Leonora leaning against him, and the two letters from the past.

The path

Tata gambolled ahead merrily. Leonora went down the path quite quickly but carefully.

There had been lots of rain and there were a lot of displaced stones on the path so she didn't want to fall.

Finally they arrived down at the beach.

Tata immediately started digging a huge hole to show Leonora how to do it.

She dug a very deep hole very quickly and then stood back for Leonora to admire it.

"Ruff," she barked proudly.

"That's super Tata. And you also know that I can't do anything remotely like that don't you?"

"Ruff," agreed Tata, laughing.

Tata ran around in a few crazy circles and then the two of them went for a paddle in the sea. Or at least Leonora paddled and Tata ran boisterously in the waves.

Then they decided to climb back up the cliff.

Leonard and Mrs Leonard were wandering up and down the cliff top but they had lost sight of Tata and Leonora.

As Leonora tried to follow Tata up the cliff, she slipped on a stone.

And went down awkwardly. When she tried to stand up she knew it was a bad fall.

Tata came back and barked at her. "Ruff."

"I'm sorry Tata, I'm not sure if I can get up, but I'll have a go."

Leonora tried to put the weight on her ankle and knew it was bad.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit," she said for want of anything better.

Tata furrowed her brow and realised this was serious.

"Ruff, ruff, ruff ruff," she barked helpfully and charged off up the cliff to tell Leonard and Mrs Leonard.

They were wondering why the two had not come back up the cliff path together. "Ruff," barked Tata sadly.

Leonard frowned. It was his fault. He had suggested that Leonora go digging holes in the sand in the first place.

He staggered off down the cliff path with the two little crutches. The little crutches were very smug because they had been chosen over the poles to do this important task. They were quiet and serious and helped Leonard carefully all the way down until they reached Leonora.

Leonard looked at her. Flippin' woman. Falling over on the cliff path, he thought. What on earth was she playing at?

He tried to help her up. "Lean on me."

She did. And they both fell over.

"Ruff," barked Tata, trying not to laugh, but thinking they both lacked a pair of legs.

The two of them were tumbled up in a heap. Leonora thought she was rather too close for comfort to Leonard and he had been utterly useless. Leonard thought Leonora had no concept of weight-bearing load and was deliberately trying to make him look like an arse.

Entwined, although not through choice, they glared at each other.

"Get up," they both said simultaneously to the other. And then again, to each other, "I can't."

Leonard looked at Tata. "Please go and get some help. Now.

"I really don't want to spend any longer rolling around on the ground with Leonora."

And off she bounded, up the cliff top path. Still trying not to laugh.

The cliff top cache

The walk to the first cache was along the cliff tops with spectacular views.

Tata ran ahead excitedly thinking about digging holes in the sand, although still puzzled as to why Leonora would want to do this. She had never done it before when she had visited the Smith household, but perhaps she had learnt recently.

The two little crutches were in good spirits. Leonard was walking much more easily and not putting so much of his weight on them. In fact he had even lost a couple of pounds although it was hardly noticeable. After all, two pounds from 14 stone 10lbs was hardly a dramatic loss. They chattered quietly away as they limped along with Leonard.

Both Leonard and Mrs Leonard were in good humour too. They were relieved that Leonora's temper tantrum seemed to have passed over and all bode well for the day out.

The two walking poles did not say much to each other. They were conscious of their critical role in the geocaching expeditions and were concentrating on the task ahead. After all, if it was not for them, who else would thrash back brambles and nettles, and poke inside places for caches where there may be snakes?

Leonora brought up the rear of the group. She was deeply disturbed that she had thought of a fine idea to avenge herself on Leonard, only to be unable to carry it out.

She was scouring the ground around her looking for fortuitously-placed sharp objects, capable of making a deep incision in Leonard's super new tyres. But there were none.

Leonard turned round and wondered what on earth she was doing.

"Leonora. Why are you looking at the ground? You look as though you are searching for something. Did you lose something here in a previous life?" Laughing, but not in a nasty way.

She looked up embarrassed. "I don't know what I was doing to be honest. Don't even know what I was thinking." Pleading temporary insanity seemed to be the easiest way to answer the question and was hardly likely to surprise Leonard.

"Did you say you were going to show me how to use the GPS?" she asked, deciding to change the subject radically.

The noisy little crutches shut up suddenly. The poles stopped concentrating on caching. Mrs Leonard looked mildly surprised. Leonard's mouth fell open. Tata was too far ahead to hear or no doubt she would have ground to a sudden halt.

"Well?" she asked.

"Of course, if you want," he replied. And they all set off again with Leonora feigning her new fascination for the GPS and the silly geocaching, while thinking about her evil plans for savaging the Land Rover.

It had to be said, it was an excellent walk around the headland and Leonora was particularly interested in the remains of the Iron Age fort and the ancient strip-field system. The cache was easily found and Leonora squealed with delight. Leonard, who really should have known Leonora better, beamed at her.

"You see, it is fun isn't it, once you get the hang of it?" he said, genuinely pleased that she was enjoying herself. Silly Leonard, thought Leonora.

Tata posed as usual for her photo.



Then she ran over to Leonora.

"Ruff," she ordered.

"Oh Tata, the truth is, I am not sure if I am up to digging holes in the sand with my hands.

"You see, I don't have such fine paws as you for digging holes," said Leonora sadly.

Tata gazed at her beautiful paws in admiration and looked at Leonora's useless hands. She had a point. But she had also made a deal. Or rather Leonard had, on her behalf.

"Ruff, ruff," she barked sternly. Worrying that she was not going to get her run on the beach.

"How about if I come down the beach with you and watch you dig the holes, and learn how to do it for in future?"

"Ruff," she barked mollified.

Leonora turned to Leonard. "And how about you come dig some holes too? Seeing as you dropped me in it for this one."

"Can't get down the cliff path with the little crutches. But we'll all watch you. Don't forget to run round in crazy circles as well. I might even get some good photos."

So off Leonora and Tata went down the steep cliff path to the beach. All seemed to be well.

Weekend

Well, it is the weekend again so time for a break from boring old Leonard, wicked Leonora, dutiful Mrs Leonard, the overtalkative crutches, the snooty poles and the gorgeous Tata.

As some of you know we are celebrating our wedding anniversary (although we still have no idea why we ever got married) so will be back on Monday or Tuesday. When hopefully Leonora will have found something she can use to puncture Leonard's tyres.

Leonora plans her revenge

The trouble was Leonora couldn't immediately think of anything suitably nasty for her revenge.

She disappointedly gazed out of the window searching for inspiration.

But the scenery was far too soft and pretty to inspire her with any wickedness.

It had definitely been a mistake to come back. Why had she let Leonard manipulate her? He had planned the whole thing to laugh at her and make her uncomfortable. She hated him.

Leonard, being a good driver, regularly checked his mirror. Although it had to be said he was also interested in catching Leonora's eye. She resolutely avoided his glance, but curiosity got the better of her and she peeked in the mirror once - only to be met with one of Leonard's best winning smiles. She quickly looked away again.

Tata still had her head on Leonora's shoulder. She was whimpering away to herself thinking of the fun they would have digging holes in the sand together and running in the streams and rivers. She didn't know whether Leonora would be any good at either of these activities but she was quite happy to teach her.

Really Leonora couldn't go wrong. She had offers coming out of her ears to learn about geocaching, digging holes in the sand, and running around in freezing cold water. It was a shame she didn't want to do any of those things.

Leonard pulled up at the first parking space. He decided to take the two little crutches who had been chattering away quietly in the back of the Land Rover. They had tried to talk to the walking poles, but the poles were rather snooty and had no intention of socialising with a couple of temporary little crutches. The poles were permanent members of the household and expert cachers. Mrs Leonard took the poles so they could safely look for the hidden treasure.

Leonora sulkily got out and made a big fuss of Tata so that she could avoid speaking to Leonard. No such luck.

"So you've decided not to stay in the Land Rover then Leonora?" he said cheerfully. "I'm so glad you've decided to come with us."

"There's not much point me sitting there on my own with nothing to do is there?" she replied churlishly. If only I had brought a book, she thought. I could have sat there quite sulkily for ages making my point.

"In fact, if I had known you were going caching, I could have brought a book. Or not come at all."

"Aw Leonora, come on, don't keep sulking at me. It's not the end of the world, and you know you'll enjoy the walk."

Why was he always so reasonable and accommodating when she was bad-tempered? It really wasn't fair. She so wanted to argue with him and he wouldn't play.

"Do you want to take the GPS?" he added, rubbing it in.

"No."

"What about the map then? You can pretend we are just doing an ordinary walk," he said laughing.

She hesitated. And as she hesitated, she noticed Leonard's brand new tyres. That was it. She needed to find something suitably sharp to give him a puncture. That would serve him right. Hit him in his pocket where it would really hurt. She smiled to herself. But where on earth was she going to find something in the countryside? Such a good idea but nothing to achieve it with. If only she had a Stanley knife with her.

"Yeah, OK, I'll take the map," she said, with half a smile. Best to pretend she was over her sulking and disarm Leonard. And after all, revenge was a dish best eaten cold.

Leonard breathed a sigh of relief. Thank goodness the silly woman wasn't going to continue acting like the spoilt brat of the year and ruin the day for everyone else.