The lunch review

"Oh, Tata darling, you are even more beautiful than ever," said Leonora as soon as they reached the Land Rover.

Tata preened herself and totally forgot that she had been fed up with Leonora earlier on. Maybe she could persuade her to just at least paddle in a river.

Leonard smiled too. Tata was the love of his life, and for all Leonora's faults, the fact that she adored his wonderful dog was a strong point in her favour.

"I had a shit lunch out yesterday," said Leonora out of nowhere.

"Oh," said Leonard, non-committally, wondering what on earth she was talking about, and then vaguely remembered she had mentioned something about it on the 'phone when he had rung yesterday to check everything was still on.

"Shit food, or service or what?" he added quickly so as not to miss out on the story.

"Shit company," she said. "The food was good. I just had to suffer Paul's company while I was eating it."

Leonard didn't know what to say. Leonora was volunteering information about her personal life. She never did that. And if he asked about it he always got a snotty put-down.

He went through the options quickly:

Say nothing and get accused of being disinterested.
Ask something and be accused of being over-nosy.
Say something vaguely related?

"Hey that reminds me. Remember when you first came down here - I promised to take you out for a vegetarian lunch? We never did get round to it - so I still owe you lunch. Can't guarantee the company will be much good though," he said.

Leonora laughed. "Anyone's company would be better than Paul's."

"Even mine?" asked Leonard.

"Even yours. He was just so awful, I knew it was a bad idea to accept."

Leonard decided to go for it. He took a deep breath.

"Don't give me half a story. What was wrong with him? And why did you accept if you knew it was a bad idea?" Leonard sat back and waited for the blasting.

"Well, he is conceited and supercilious and self-opinionated and selfish and boring," she said.

"And he insisted on sitting in a corner because he thought I was clumsy and he didn't want people to see me, and he was rude to the little crutches."

Leonard tried hard not to laugh. Fortunately Leonora was so busy thinking about horrid Paul that she didn't notice.

"I didn't plan to go either. He was meant to be coming up this week, so I was all ready to get out of it by telling him I was coming to stay with you, but then he moved his dates forward and I couldn't think of how to get out of that fast enough."

"Not like you," said Leonard, the words escaping from his mouth before he had chance to stop them.

"I know," she agreed sadly.

A dog's head suddenly thumped down on Leonora's shoulder, accompanied by a soft whine.

Leonora turned round to Tata. "Oh, sweetheart, it's so kind of you to be sympathetic."

Leonard was astounded. Leonora never spoke to him like that. He turned to look at her, and say something affectionate in return.

But as he opened his mouth, he saw the two of them lost to the rest of the world. Tata's huge eyes were gazing at Leonora, and Leonora was gently stroking Tata's head and giving her tiny scratches on her forehead.

Leonard gloomily turned back to the wheel, he should have known Leonora would never speak so nicely to him.

"Anyway," continued Leonora out of the blue, "I suppose there will be no more free lunches and no more shags out of him."

Why was Leonora telling him all this? The woman was trying to confuse him. It was years since she had been so open with him. Perhaps she was poorly. There had to be a reason for this sudden outburst. And why was she shagging men she didn't like?

"Why did you shag him if you didn't like him?" he asked, thinking this surely would get him the slap-down he had so far escaped.

"Oh, he didn't seem too bad before. Usual story as well, no commitment, not unattractive, just sort of available now and again. But I just went off him," she replied.

"Um," said Leonard. 'Hey Tata and I went caching before we came to the station. It's not far from here, so I thought I would show you the location."

"Don't you want to hear about my personal life?" asked Leonora.

"Yes. Don't you want to talk about geocaching?" asked Leonard.

"No. But we can go and have a look anyway. To be honest, geocaching is probably more interesting than Paul."

Leonard pulled up under the viaduct. And proudly pointed out where he had found the cache.



"You idiot," said Leonora. "You could have fallen with your bad leg."

"I did," he said. And gave her the story about slithering down the bank with Tata jumping over him.

"You are utterly and totally mad," she said. "But not quite as boring as Paul." And she kissed him gently on the cheek.

"Ruff," interrupted Tata. "Ruff ruff ruff."

"Of course Tata. Get out of the way Leonard. We don't need you in the photo. Just stay there in the middle of the road Tata," said Leonora.

Tata stood. And gazed soulfully at the camera.

Second thoughts

Leonora was having second thoughts about going to stay with Leonard. She'd now got very mixed views about it after her Saturday lunch with Paul.

In the past, she had enjoyed Paul's company, laughed at his inane jokes, made superficial but easy conversation, and found him friendly and charming.

She'd never been interested in any more from him - which was just as well - and she never asked about the rest of his life or the other woman/women in it. About all she knew was that he was divorced - or so he said.

But yesterday he had been different. Or rather, she had seen him differently. She hadn't been able to see anything good in him, and even worse, she had found him boring.

Now she was fretting that she would see Leonard through totally critical eyes as well, and not be able to see anything good in him either. Well, she normally did see him through totally critical eyes, but he did make her laugh, and sometimes she thought he could be quite nice.

She limped around, packing the rest of her stuff.

The little crutches on the other hand, were in high spirits. They had chattered away all Saturday night until they tired themselves out and then suddenly fell asleep.

They had woken up early on Sunday morning, and started chitter-chattering yet again, although quietly so as not to wake Leonora up at some unearthly hour.

She had smiled at them when she woke up, listening to their quiet excited voices looking forward to the trip. She was very fond of them, and hadn't the heart to dampen their enthusiasm.

Anyway, if it's totally hellish, I can always play with Tata and shut myself in my room and clear off immediately after the outpatient appointment, she said to herself.

The little crutches heard her though, and realised she was worried.

"Don't worry Leonora," they said.

"We will all have a nice time. We can even go geocaching," said the first little crutch.

The second little crutch quickly kicked the first little crutch. "Leonora doesn't like geocaching. Idiot," said the second little crutch.

"Well, she likes walking, or limping, and she likes Tata, so what's wrong with going geocaching?" said the first little crutch, refusing to be bossed around.

Leonora laughed in spite of herself at the two little crutches arguing about geocaching.

"Hey, you are both right," she said diplomatically. "I don't like geocaching, but I do like the walk and going out with Tata. Anyway, let's get a taxi and clear off."

She thought it was a good idea to change the subject before they began arguing about who was right, as she could see they were just about to start off all over again.

............................

Leonard, meanwhile, was gazing at the geocaching site, willing some first to finds to turn up. Tata was on her sofa, wondering when they were going to go out.

"Tata," said Leonard.

She looked up hopefully.



"Let's do some pictures for Leonora. Smile for her," he said.

Tata curled round and hid from the camera. She was sick of Leonora being here and there. Tata liked reliability and routine. Leonora was unreliable. Plus there didn't seem to be much hope of her running in rivers or digging crazy holes in the sand. She couldn't even be bothered to bark in reply.



Leonard rolled his eyes. Things were not looking good when Tata was not impressed with an impending visit. He hoped things were going to go OK. He was sick of arguing with Leonora and didn't even understand what he did or said wrong. She always took his jokes so seriously.

The day dragged on. Leonard wished it had been his shooting Sunday, and then he would have had something interesting to distract himself with.

Mrs Leonard made a few sandwiches for lunch and said something about having a decent meal in the evening when Leonora arrived.

Decent, thought Leonard. Since when has vegetarian food ever been decent? That was another thing to be gloomy about. He was destined to a meat and fish-free diet while Leonora was around. He sighed gloomily. Then he perked up, perhaps he could sneak in a few fat-boy breakfasts before work. No. Unlikely. Recently he'd been getting up so late that he had only just managed to get to work on time. Fat boy breakfasts during the week were a no-hoper. And at weekends Mrs Leonard would insist on Leonora-style breakfasts.

He looked at Tata for consolation but she was still sulking at the world. Suddenly he noticed a FTF had popped up.

"Tata, come on. Let's go get this cache, and then we'll go and sit at the station and wait for Leonora," he said.

She jumped off the sofa immediately and did a small twirl.

"Just going to get a FTF," he called to Mrs Leonard. "Then we will pick Leonora up from the station."

Tata and Leonard bounded out happily to her Land Rover to get the FTF.

"Of course," said Leonard to Tata once they were on the road, "it would be good to take Leonora to the FTF, but we daren't miss the chance of bagging it."

"Gruff," barked Tata non-committally.

Leonard parked Tata's Land Rover carefully under the viaduct, and began to look for the cache. But it clearly wasn't accessible from the road, so he decided to clamber up the hillside, carefully hobbling over the broken barbed-wire fence.

He found the cache, and was delirious to discover he was the first to find it. He carefully wrote in the log book, and left a travel bug. Then he set off down the steep banking. But half way down he lost his footing. And started to slither.

Tata brightened up. What a superb game. She bounded over him from side to side while he continued to slide uncontrollably down the banking. He couldn't help laughing at her, which only served to make his slide even faster and more erratic. He arrived at the bottom of the bank with a thud. Tata stood there wondering if they were going to climb up and do it all over again.

"I don't think we will bother repeating that Tata," said Leonard, standing up with some difficulty and a few sore places, and brushing himself off.

"Maybe just as well we didn't bring Leonora," he added.

"Ruff ruff ruff," barked Tata.

"No, Leonora definitely wouldn't have liked sliding down the banking with you leaping over her and me."

"Ruuuuufff," she barked sadly. Leonora was beginning to be a pain, she thought. What could she do to liven her up during her stay?

They sat in the car park at the railway station listening to Basement Jaxx. Tata had been so entertained by the new game under the viaduct that she was willing to suffer Leonard's obnoxious taste in music. For a short while anyway.

The train pulled in. Leonora and the little crutches hobbled off slowly. As usual Leonora had a tiny travel bag. Leonard walked up to meet her. They looked at each other, waiting for the other one to speak.

"Hello Leonora," said Leonard, wondering what he had done wrong now, before he had even opened his mouth.

"Hi Leonard," she replied, wondering what he was criticising her for this time.

They made their way over to the Land Rover in silence.

Lunch date

Leonora was trapped in the restaurant with Paul.

Things had not gone according to plan.

She had booked a train ticket to go to Leonard's for Sunday evening. This was good she thought. She didn't have to suffer him all day Sunday or get annoyed if he was out doing his unspeakable shooting.

And she could rub it in that he had to go to work on Monday morning and she didn't. So far so good. They had exchanged the usual terse emails that consisted of little more than train times and 'yes' and 'ok'.

Then Paul had rung back.

"Hi Leonora," he said.

"Hello Paul, " she said in her best happy voice, about to tell him that she couldn't make it.

"Listen, I'm really sorry. I can't remember if I mentioned that I had sprained my ankle, but I need to go back to the hospital where I did it next week.

"I didn't sprain it in the hospital obviously," she babbled, "but I was away from home at the time, and the records haven't been transferred.

"So, I'm really sorry, I won't be able to see you because I'm leaving on Sunday." Phew. Good one.

"That's no problem Leonora. One of the reasons I've rung is to tell you that my dates have been moved forward. So how does Saturday sound?" he said.

Leonora was stunned. Her beautiful, beautiful, evasive plans were collapsing around her ears.

"Saturday?" she asked.

"Yes, Saturday," said Paul pleasantly.

"Well, I think with me leaving on Sunday, I'd rather not go out Saturday night. Maybe lunch?" she said, hoping he was too busy.

"Lunch will be fine. Say I pick you up half eleven then?" he said.

"OK, Saturday at half eleven. Thanks Paul. See you then. Bye."

Leonora put the 'phone down slowly. The little crutches put on their best sympathetic faces.

"Never mind," said the little crutches. "You will get a nice free lunch, and then we can all come back home, and on Sunday we will be off on our holidays."

Leonora thought the little crutches were always so cheerful and optimistic. She wasn't entirely sure that she would class a stay with Leonard as a holiday, but still, it was a change of scenery and she didn't have to cook, and Tata was always pleased to see her.

She smiled absent-mindedly at the little crutches and started pondering what to wear.

At least lunchtime meant there would be no awful questions about who was sleeping where. Leonora did not feel like shagging Paul this weekend. In fact she did not feel like shagging anyone with such an inelegant lump of plaster on her leg.

So she needed to look smart and chic and faintly attractive, but no more. Leonora had realised that as one got older, clothes because less and less interesting and merely functional. Of course it didn't help that some of the more stunning numbers from her youth that had served her perfectly well for 20 years or so either a) didn't fit any more or b) didn't suit her any more.

"Do you think I can wriggle out of this lunch date?" she asked the little crutches. They had shaken their heads sorrowfully.

So here she was, eating green salad and attempting to be witty and interesting with Paul while he droned on about his boring job. .... blah blah......super performance.......excellent bonus.......more boring blah.......

He did not seem very pleased that she insisted on taking the two little crutches to lunch, and despite the fact that she had mentioned the sprained ankle he had looked rather disappointed to see her hobbling out of the door when he arrived to pick her up.

Typical man. Always wanting women to look immaculate to boost their own self-esteem. She had been even less pleased when he had insisted on a corner table, "after all, we don't want to cause any inconvenience to other diners." Leonora was not impressed with being shoved away in a corner.

Paul was going through the motions of being an entertaining host. He had realised a shag was out of the question. Leonora was usually good company and a good laugh, but even he wasn't that keen on spending £40 or £50 on a meal for nothing.

She really should have had the decency to explain how clumsy and inelegant she looked. Or tactfully turned him down so that he wasn't embarrassed taking out some limping middle-aged woman. (And wasting £40 or £50). Just as well that he was highly unlikely to bump into anyone he knew.

He mentally crossed Leonora off his list of occasional contacts, and decided just to let things drop off.

Leonora was horrified to find out that she was mentally comparing Paul and Leonard, and Leonard was easily winning. Despite the fact that he was just as boring with his stupid geocaching at least she could tell him to shut up. Whereas she was sitting in a restaurant like a simpering idiot reinforcing Paul's overly large ego by telling him how good he was. Stupid dick, she thought.

"Coffee Leonora?" asked Paul, with his charming smile.

"No, not really bothered thanks," she replied.

Thank fuck for that he thought. And immediately asked for the bill. The little crutches caught Leonora's eye, and nearly fell over trying not to giggle.

"Did you just knock those stupid crutches Leonora?" snapped Paul.

The little crutches pouted. They did not like being called stupid.

Leonora pouted too. "No. And they aren't stupid. I wouldn't have been able to manage without them. Stop being so insensitive."

Paul didn't reply. He flipped out his credit card to pay the bill, making sure not to leave a tip, the meal had cost enough anyway.

"Do you want to do anything else, or do you need to start getting ready for your trip tomorrow?" he asked.

Leonora nearly laughed. Very tactful Paul. Why don't you just tell me to piss off?

"Thanks, but you're right, I do need to start getting organised. Save me rushing round like an idiot at the last minute tomorrow. Thanks for the lunch though, it was super," she said.

Last one you are getting out of me, thought Paul. "No problem Leonora, always lovely to see you." Preferably when you are a bit more mobile and up for a shag.

He dropped her off and she pecked him on the cheek. Then he roared off down the street in his firm's company sports car and Leonora and the little crutches burst out laughing.

They all staggered into the house together and sat on the sofa, still laughing.

"He was horrid," said the first little crutch.

"He called us stupid," said the second one.

"No more free lunches for you, Leonora," said the first one.

"It was your fault. You cramped my style," she replied.

The little crutches went silent. They didn't find that funny. They were used to helping people and being used, and then tossed aside and passed on when their usefulness was outworn.

But they liked Leonora and were dreading the day when she no longer wanted them in her house.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said. "It was meant to be a joke, and I realise it wasn't funny. Let's get ready for tomorrow."

Pring pring. Oh no. Not Paul again.

But it wasn't.

"Hi Leonora. Still on for tomorrow?" said Leonard.

"Yes of course," she replied. "Why not?"

"No reason, just wanted to check. Been ringing for hours, but you weren't there so I was getting worried. Sent you a couple of emails too."

"I've been out. I do have a life you know. I don't have to report to you every time I leave the house," she replied.

"Go anywhere nice?" he asked ignoring the snipes.

"Lunch. With an arse," she said, replying without even thinking.

"Any particular arse?" he asked.

"None of your business," she answered, as she realised she was getting sucked into talking about her personal life with Leonard. "I'll see you tomorrow, ok?"

Leonard laughed. "Good to hear you sound like your usual self. Look forward to seeing you."

He put the phone down and nearly fell over a large dog. Tata was sitting there with her favourite toy waiting to play tugs and have wrestling matches.

"Ruff ruff?"

"Yeah, she'll be here tomorrow."

"Ruff ruff ruff?" asked Tata excitedly.

"No, I don't really think she is up to running in rivers yet or digging holes in the sand, you can always ask her though," said Leonard laughing at Tata.

"Ruff," she barked sternly.

"Of course she will play tugs with you though. Not much point her coming otherwise is there? Listen, why don't we both go and pick her up tomorrow, and then on the way back home we can go and find a cache? What do you think Tata?"

Tata pulled a silly face, and reminded Leonard they were meant to be playing tugs.

'Phone calls

Leonora was feeling super-organised. She had got over her silly blip of buying nothing at the supermarket and was starting to plan her European trip. Planning was always good for the soul.

Pring pring. Pring pring. Leonora glared at the 'phone. She picked it up anyway. "Hello," she snapped.

"Hi Leonora, how's things?"

Leonora nearly dropped the 'phone. She had been so busy concentrating on horrid Leonard that she forgot other people occasionally rang her.

"Hello Paul," she answered. "Er, mixed really, how are you?" She tried to recover her composure. Paul was a casual fling now and again who was okayish in an unmeaningful sort of way.

"I'm round your way next week, I thought it would be good to meet up and go out for dinner, if you would like," he said.

"Oh yes, that would be nice," she replied. Thinking, selfish git, you asked how I am and never noticed when I said 'mixed really.' Typical man. Actually I don't give a toss about going out to dinner with you. Why have I just said yes?

"Hey that's great, I'm not sure of the days yet, but I'll ring you as soon as I know and we can confirm later. Be great to see you again," he said.

Blah blah boring blah, she thought. "Yeah super," she replied. "Speak to you then. Thanks for the call. Look forward to seeing you."

She put the 'phone down and scowled. The little crutches looked apprehensively at her.

Leonora laughed, and the little crutches sighed with relief.

"I don't want to see Paul," she explained. "Why the hell did I say yes?"

"Never mind Leonora," said one little crutch. "You have all week to get out of it," said the other one.

She beamed at them both. "Darlings, what would I do without you?"

The little crutches preened themselves, impressed with their valuable advice.

Pring pring. Pring pring. Leonora did NOT want to speak to Paul again. For one thing she hadn't worked out her excuse. Shit.

"Hi, listen....."

"Hello Leonora."

It wasn't Paul. Why was life so difficult? Why did Paul ring and she thought he was going to be Leonard?

And why was Leonard ringing when she was expecting Paul back again?

"Hello Leonard," she replied.

The little crutches gave her a sympathetic smile.

"I've got a card here for you to attend outpatients at our local hospital next week, so I thought you might like to make your travel arrangements," he said.

Leonora furrowed her brow. Heavily.

"Leonard, I thought I had told you I had transferred all the records to my local hospital so I don't need to traipse down to your place yet again.

"Give me the number of the outpatient department and I can ring them and tell them I don't need to go," she said.

"I've rung them," he said. "They have no record of any transfer and everything is still at our hospital. Just stop arguing Leonora, and turn up before Thursday.

"Let me know what day you are coming and what time, and I'll try and get to the station to pick you up. Bye." And Leonard hung up.

Leonora gazed at the 'phone in shock. Leonard had just hung up on her! Not only had he bossed her around and told her what to do, he had cut her dead. She hadn't even had chance to argue.

"Leonora," piped up one of the little crutches hesitantly.

"Yes dear," she turned and smiled kindly at it. "What is it?"

"If we go down to see Leonard, you can avoid Paul," said the little crutch, not really sure who Leonora liked least.

"True," said Leonora thoughtfully.

"And you don't have to worry about being rude to Leonard or speaking to him or anything," said the other little crutch.

"Whereas you would probably have to be polite and sociable with this Paul chap," added the first one.

"I haven't seen Paul for a while though," said Leonora, hesitating between the two appalling choices.

"Of course," said the second little crutch, "you could tell Leonard you are seeing Paul, and Paul that you are seeing Leonard."

Leonora burst out laughing, delighted with the little crutch's cunning idea.

"Indeed I could do that, it is an excellent idea," she said.

The little crutches jumped up and down gleefully and nearly fell over.

"Hey, watch it," said Leonora. "You will be in casualty next. Oh, and that's the only problem. I can easily avoid the two men, but I do need to go to hospital."

The little crutches stopped jumping up and down. Leonora and the little crutches looked at each other.

"Leonora," the little crutches both said together.

"Yes, I know," she said. "And at least you can get to tell the other little crutches about your adventures with me.

"When shall we go then? The weekend, beginning of the week?"

"Well," said the first little crutch, "I think you need to be there by Wednesday at the latest. And ideally a day or two sooner."

"And if you want to avoid Paul," said the second little crutch, "travelling on Sunday or Monday means you can just totally get out of seeing him."

"I'll see what tickets are available then. Suppose I had better email Leonard. Certainly don't want to speak to him again. Not that I got chance to say much. Bossy git."

The little crutches sniggered. Leonora tapped away at her email.

...........................

Leonard noticed a new mail had come up.

"Hi Leonard.

"It was such a pain dealing with the wretched NHS on the 'phone last time and it was obviously a total waste of time, so I might as well come down to your place.

"Thanks for the offer as ever. I'm looking into tickets and I'll let you know when I have booked them.

"Bye,

"Leonora."

Leonard read the email. He typed a brief reply.

"OK Leonora, that's great. Just let me know when. Look forward to seeing you."

He pressed send. And smirked.

Just another day

Back home, Leonora and the little crutches settled into their quiet and uneventful routine. Leonora was feeling quite a bit better and was wondering when she should start hobbling to the shops rather than using the internet.

"Would you like to go to the supermarket?" she said to the little crutches one day.

They beamed happily and chirruped together, "Oh, yes please Leonora."

Leonora wasn't quite sure how she was going to manage two little crutches and a basket or a trolley but she thought she would worry about that later. It was time for an excursion.

.............................

She'd heard briefly from Leonard, in his usual fashion. Leonard seemed to think a few terse emails were appropriate communication. Leonora invariably puzzled over the cryptic one-liners and nearly always misunderstood them.

But she had no energy for arguing with him, or trying to get him to be more communicative so she decided to reply to him in similar fashion.

Leonard was puzzled to receive her abrupt replies. Clearly something was wrong. Leonora always wrote loads.

It was pretty obvious that when he wrote 'Morning' or 'How are you?" that she was expected to reply with the usual sort of ramble about what she was up to, or planning, or sometimes something totally unrelated. That was one of the good things about emailing Leonora, she could usually be relied upon to write something silly that would distract him for at least a few minutes at work.

So when she replied "Morning" and "OK" he realised that he must have upset her. He had sighed, and written asking if she was all right.

He received another one-word response. "Meaning?"

What a nuisance she was. He asked her if there was a problem.

Apparently Leonora did not understand that. He wondered if she was being deliberately obtuse.

Leonard made a supreme effort and wrote two sentences. He pointed out that she was being unusually abrupt and asked if he had said something wrong.

He was proud of himself. That was very conciliatory of him. He could just as easily have written "Leonora, stop doing the spoiled brat routine, and just write normally." But he hadn't.

It made no difference though. All she did was accuse him of being abrupt, and said there was nothing wrong and she had nothing to write about.

Leonora had considered Leonard's emails to be a cheek. Only Leonard, who never wrote more than a few sentences, and used one word when ten would be more explanatory, would criticise her for being abrupt.

Their email exchange didn't improve over the next week or so, with each accusing the other of being bad-tempered and irritable.

Leonard considered ringing her, but that didn't seem too good an idea either.

So they had reached a stalemate, with an infrequent email exchange still continuing, but which said very little either way.

........................

Leonora was brooding about this as she set off for the supermarket. The little crutches were unusally quiet, sensing that she was thinking about something. They also wondered how she was going to manage a basket or a trolley but as neither of them wanted to be left behind they had not mentioned this.

In the end Leonora hooked a basket round her arm in a most uncomfortable position. It was clear she wouldn't be able to put much in it, or it would fall out as she couldn't carry the basket level. She wandered up and down the aisles. But her head was full of Leonard. She gazed at the items and had no idea what to buy. Nothing took her fancy.

When she got to the check-out she stood patiently in-line. And then looked in her basket. It was totally empty. She looked at the little crutches and smiled. They smiled back although wondering if Leonora always came to the supermarket and wandered around without buying anything.

She put the basket down with some difficulty and limped out with the little crutches to go home and place an order over the internet.

When she got home, she sorted the shopping order first, and then decided to get on with transferring her medical records from the hospital near Leonard's where she had originally gone, to the nearest one to her. This took some time, and she was pretty fed up with the whole bureaucratic system, but she was determined not to visit Leonard's again.

She had been there too long, too often and it had run its course. Then she decided it was time she planned a trip. Lara's trip to south east Asia had inspired her, although she didn't feel like hiking off to China just yet. As soon as she was reasonably mobile, a few weeks or months in Europe would be very nice. And she could spend the next couple of months planning it.

Then Leonora wrote a nice email to Leonard. Well, she thought it was nice anyway, or nice-ish.

She told him that she had organised the transfer of her records so she wouldn't need to come down for any follow-up appointments, thanked him and Mrs Leonard and Tata (yet again) for their very generous hospitality, and then said that as soon as she was reasonably mobile she would be clearing off for a while.

........................

Leonard received her email when he got in from work that day. He felt pretty ropey anyway, but Leonora's dismissive email just about finished him off. He had a cup of tea but felt sick. He had eaten nothing since lunch time, and he knew he should have eaten a pack of jaffa cakes or a large bar of chocolate during the afternoon to sustain himself.

Tata had taken up all his sofa so he was forced to sit in the chair which he rarely used. She was glaring at him, and had no intention of moving from her sofa. She had not forgotten being pushed off the sofa the other evening and was determined to get her revenge.

He put down the lap top, and thought about what he needed to do next. Then his eyes shut.

Missed connections

The evening went ok, although Leonard had to bite his tongue a few times.

Lara was busy talking about giving up her job before she left for her trip and Leonard was decidedly unimpressed. The firm she worked for had agreed to hold it open for her when she returned, but she was thinking about moving elsewhere and thought it was immoral to accept the offer of returning to her job after six months if she only stayed in it a few weeks or a couple of months.

Needless to state, Leonora agreed with Lara. She thought it was great that the firm was happy to hold the job for her, and if Lara intended to stay there for some time that was fine. But as Lara's intention was to leave the area as soon as she returned - subject to finding a new job, Leonora could understand her moral dilemma.

Flippin' women thought Leonard. Lara will come back skint from her trip, needing somewhere to crash and someone to feed her until she finds a new job, and guess who will end up funding her? He desperately wanted to open his mouth and play the bossy father routine, but just couldn't be bothered with the grief. He felt very virtuous sitting there with his mouth shut. And hoped Lara had the sense to hang onto the job.

After Rod and Jane had achieved their main objectives of free showers and food, they left fairly early, on the grounds that they had work in the morning. Nothing else worth scrounging, thought Leonard grumpily.

As usual Leonora cleared off to bed early, and after a while Lara and Mrs Leonard followed her. Useless women. None of them have any stamina. Leaving me to stay up on my own and no-one willing to entertain me.

He sulked around grouchily on a few forums, watched the late night news, and threw Tata off the sofa when she put her head on the keyboard.

Bump! she fell on the floor and glared at Leonard.

"Not my fault. Got to send a few emails and annoy the woman who asks me Nosy Personal Questions. Nothing else happening around here anyway," he sulked.

Front paws went out and head went moodily on top of them. Shan't forget that in a hurry, thought Tata, in a very bad mood. Just you wait Leonard. Ow, and my ribs hurt too.

.............................

Leonard had no idea what happened the next day. Leonora and Lara were in good spirits when he returned home for lunch, although neither of them seemed interested in speaking to him.

Dinner that evening was a quieter affair with just the four of them, and Leonora cleared off to bed early again.

Leonard was beginning to wonder if she was avoiding him, or maybe she was just more interested in chatting to Lara. Perhaps when Lara left things would return to normal. He smiled, wondering what he should tease Leonora about over the next few days.

................................

At breakfast the next day, Lara said: "Hey dad, any chance of a lift at lunchtime? Oh, and Leonora needs to get a lift to the station too."

Leonard nearly choked on his huge bowl of cereal.

"What?" he said.

"Well, I'm going back today and Leonora is going home too," she explained, somewhat surprised that Leonard had not understood this fairly simple piece of travel information.

Leonora had her face in fruit salad.

"Leonora?" he said, puzzled. "You aren't going back so soon are you?"

Leonora lifted her moody green eyes out of the fruit salad. "Yes. I came to see Lara, and so it seems sensible to leave when she does. A lift would be great if it is convenient, but if not I'll get a taxi."

And she studied her fruit salad again with great attention.

The trouble was that Leonard had to shoot off to work. He had no time to argue with anyone. "I'll see you both at lunchtime then," he said miserably.

When he came home to collect them, they were both ready with their bags packed. They had obviously sorted everything between them as it seemed he had to take Leonora to the station and then drop off Lara.

The two women hugged each other on the station platform, and then Leonora turned to Leonard. She gave him a little wave, and said "Bye."

Leonard was gobsmacked. He thought he deserved a bit more than that. They had started off so well too, and yet after that first short burst of rapport, he had hardly spoken to her.

He stood looking vacantly at her but Lara grabbed hold of him and said: "Come on dad, Leonora knows how to catch a train by now, let's get a move on."

Leonard looked back once more, but Leonora wasn't even looking their way. He walked sadly back to the car park with Lara.

A family evening

Leonora and Lara were ensconced in Leonora's room on the bed, with Tata lying between them, and the bottle of wine on the floor. They both (not Tata) had their noses stuck in the atlas and were happily anticipating the excitement of Lara's trip. First stop Beijing.

Mrs Leonard was in the kitchen as usual, happily preparing food for lots of people.

Leonard was sulking moodily in front of the computer feeling unloved and unwanted. Perhaps Rod would turn up soon and they could indulge in some Men's Talk.

Almost immediately after he thought that, the front door opened, and Rod walked in. Leonard brightened up.

"Hi dad," said Rod, and headed straight off for his customary free shower. Leonard hadn't even had chance to open his mouth.

Rod's girlfriend Jane followed in behind him. "Hi Leonard," she said. "How are you?" And she too disappeared without waiting for an answer, off to join Rod in the shower.

Right that's it. I'm going to bag a few caches.

He limped into the kitchen and said grouchily: "No-one seems to need me, I'm going out caching."

"Yes, Leonard," replied Mrs Leonard, chop chop chopping away at some vegetables.

Yes what? Yes no-one needs me, or yes it's ok to go out?

"And I hope we are having some meat or fish or something. Just because Leonora is vegetarian doesn't mean five other people have to eat vegetarian food to fit in with her."

"Yes Leonard," repeated Mrs Leonard ambiguously.

Leonard scowled. He couldn't see any meat or fish and Mrs Leonard was being decidedly unhelpful. Still, something smelled nice somewhere, so best not to start an argument. He limped out and went towards Leonora's room.

In fact he stormed in so quickly that Tata didn't have time to jump off the bed. She lay down as low as she could behind the two women and wondered if Leonard might not notice her. Not that it was very easy for a 43kg dog to hide on a bed.

"Come along Tata, we're going out. You can catch up with these two later," he ordered.

Leonora and Lara looked up briefly and went back to the atlas and their conversation.

Typical, he thought. Not even interested in where I'm going. He turned round and left the room, with Tata dutifully trotting along behind him.

Out on the road his spirits lifted a little. He was sick of fitting in around everyone and nobody being interested in him. It was time for a little Armada Groove or Basement Jaxx he thought, and pressed the CD player.

Tata groaned softly in the back of her Land Rover and tried to cover her ears with her paws. She really wished one day Leonard would discover some decent music.

There were no First To Finds, but the two of them had a couple of good walks anyway, and Leonard was in a much brighter mood when he got back.




Mrs Leonard was still in the kitchen, and everyone else was sitting together in the sitting room, chatting away about Lara's trip. Leonard was secretly jealous about her trip, and dearly wished he could chuck his job and go gadding around Asia.

He decided to join in the conversation, after all he was usually down with the kids, although Leonora did tend to cramp his style sometimes by pointing out how old and boring he was, which was a cheek when she was older than him, even if she neither dressed, acted, or looked as though she was.

"I really really wanted to do Burma," said Leonora. "Myanmar," she added to show she wasn't totally out of touch. "But it sounded so complicated, you could only get a visa for seven days, and the trip from Rangoon to Mandalay was really tight to fit in with that. So we gave it a miss. Seems a bit easier now."

Flippin' know-all Leonora, he thought.

"I really enjoyed Cambodia," said Leonard, showing off, knowing Leonora hadn't been there.

"Yes, but you went with work Leonard," said Leonora. "We're talking about independent travel. It's hardly the same thing.

"Lara's plans for travelling around with her friend are far more ambitious and adventurous than you getting some cushy number subsidised by work," she said dismissively.

"Although I know you have done a bit of camping and stuff in Europe on your own.

"And you have been to America, which I haven't, but there again you haven't been to Australia and New Zealand and I have."

Leonard glared at her. Everyone expectantly waited for his response. He considered pointing out that she hadn't been to the Middle East at all, but just couldn't be bothered with the argument.

"More wine Leonora?" and without waiting for the answer he limped off into the kitchen, wondering why on earth he had wanted the woman to come back.